Is your marriage falling apart? Is your career going down the tube? Are you depressed? If so, you may be suffering the effects of ”Toxic Parents”
(Bantam). In her book, therapist Susan Forward tells how you can overcome a hurtful legacy and reclaim your life.
Q-What are ”toxic parents”?
A-They`re parents who have caused harm to their children through inadequate parenting, emotional or physical neglect, alcoholism or physical, verbal or sexual abuse.
Q-What effect do toxic parents have on their children?
A-They damage their children`s self-esteem, making them feel they`re not entitled to success and happiness. It becomes difficult for them to trust anyone or feel safe in a relationship. The legacy of toxic parents is something that continues to control most adult lives.
Q-What can the grownup children do about it?
A-They can take back the power from their parents and start to set their own boundaries and limits. This will give them an immediate increase in self- esteem.
Q-Can you do this on your own, or do you have to confront your parents?
A-A gentle confrontation with your parents about what they did, how it made you feel as a child, how it has affected your life and what you want from them now will shift the balance of power, and you`ll stop feeling like a helpless, frightened child.
Q-How do most parents react to this ”gentle confrontation”?
A-Very few parents are going to give a positive response: ”You`re right. I`m sorry. Thanks for pointing that out to me. I`ll never do it again.” Most parents will probably harden their defenses. They`ll feel hurt and wonder why you`re bringing all this up now. The more toxic they are, the worse they`ll behave. But whatever their response, you`ll survive. Most of us forget that we don`t need our parents for our physical or mental well-being anymore.
Q-Is it really worth it to stir all this up?
A-Until you, as the victim of whatever abuse or neglect or pain that they caused you, find the power to talk about these things-not in an angry, revengeful way but in a calm, powerful way-you can never have a relationship based on reality. Until you put the blame where it belongs, on your parents, you can`t free up the child in you to heal and become a spontaneous, loving person. My message is that you`re never responsible for anything you did as a child, but that you are 100 percent responsible for fixing it now. And when you do, it`s like magic. You`ll feel as if a 10-ton weight has been lifted from your shoulders. And, maybe, most important of all, you`ll stop the cycle from repeating itself with your own children.
