What did she want written on her tombstone?
The woman thought a minute: ”I want them to say I was nice.”
Sonya Friedman`s voice shudders at the very telling of that story. For one thing, she has told it so many times before. For another, her entire career has been littered with those nicey-nice women with not-so-nice lives as wishy-washy doormats, wimps and punching bags.
”Don`t live your life in a walking sleep,” says Friedman, who is constantly awake to her feelings and priorities as host of the ”Sonya Live” talk show for CNN in New York.
For 20 years, the Birmingham, Mich., psychologist has coached women to get up off the mat. She has repeated herself on the radio, on television and in three books with edible metaphors: Smart cookies don`t crumble. Men are just the fruitcake on the buffet table of life. A hero is more than just a slab of liverwurst on rye.
Her message boils down to one plain vanilla scoop: Respect yourself, and get a life.
But you know what? Friedman has run out of advice. Oh, sure, she has her column and her afternoon TV program, which gives her all that gratifying positive personal affirmation and a national audience. And from early February she contributed to the war effort by hosting a live call-in, war-angst version of ”Sonya Live” on CNN. But as far as helping that great mass of pathetic, generally unhappy women, well, she`s about at the end of the line.
Friedman is giving proselytizing one more try in her new book, ”On A Clear Day You Can See Yourself: Turning the Life You Have into the Life You Want” (Little, Brown, $18.95).
”This is the last of my self-help books,” she says in an interview from her New York apartment.
”This book is a culmination of my other books. It states very clearly what is involved in being a female adult. With 50 percent of women going to live a great portion of their lives without men, it`s time for women to grow up.
”We may have come a long way, baby, but we still have the baby attached.”
Friedman, 53, has taken her growing-up knocks along the way to her current, somewhat paradoxical life. She is a New York-based television host who commutes to Detroit on weekends. She has been married 33 years to Stephen Friedman, a physician, but her major professional theme is to convince women that men are unnecessary to a happy life. If you happen to hook up with a good one, she says, think of him as just a bonus prize you get for being a self-reliant woman.
”Sometimes we use men to medicate ourselves, not unlike the way people drink or take sedatives to avoid facing reality,” she writes.
Friedman has been counseling women for nearly two decades, much of it via radio, TV and newspapers and her other books, ”Smart Cookies Don`t Crumble,” ”Men Are Just Desserts” and ”A Hero is More Than Just a Sandwich.”
To have a clear view of your life, she says, you need to look forward and backward.
On a chain around her neck, Friedman wears her totem of five gold charms: an insignia ”S,” a pair of dice, praying hands, a New York subway token and a sign, ”Trust Me.” They represent the important themes of her life:
herself, luck, God, her roots and integrity.
Friedman believes that every person, that is, every woman, should have a totem. A totem is a theme song of life. A totem is a constant. Most of all, a totem forces a woman to examine what she wants out of life, Friedman says.
Hers is a necklace with charms. But it could be a little box, or a primitive drawstring pouch, she says. In it, put tiny reminders of important events in your life. She recommends always putting something to represent yourself, then other things representing lessons you`ve learned, miracles you`ve witnessed, turning points in your life.
A totem`s power is psychological: It comes from the peace of knowing there`s a thread that runs through your collection; that you have a history, a path, a purpose; that you are someone special.
Some people put something to represent their children, but she doesn`t because, she says, ”My mommy days are over.” She and her children are now friends, she says.
Her daughter, Sharon, 30, is a psychologist, and Scott, 28, is a doctor in practice with his dad.
When Friedman returns to Detroit on a book tour, one of her interviews is at the radio station where she did her first broadcasts. This time, she hopes to reach women who need a boost.
”Women should see there is a light to their life,” she says.
”You have to know who you are and what your values are. You have to have a clear idea of what you are doing and why you are doing it.”
