Well, well, well. What`s this we hear from the U.S. Census Bureau?
Orlando-where I live-not only has the world`s most popular rodent, the largest number of strip malls per square mile and cockroaches that use the car-pool lane, we also have . . . (trumpet fanfare, please) … MORE SINGLE MEN THAN SINGLE WOMEN.
Orlando-Hunk World.
For years single women have heard about the ”man shortage.” It all started with that infamous comment by the Yale University demographer about how a woman was more likely to be abducted by terrorists, space aliens or Kevin Costner than to get a date. Depressed women responded by diving headfirst into bags of chocolate chip cookies.
When we emerged, crumb-encrusted, we got mad. A wall of female hostility extended from coast to coast. Vibes were so bad, the Yale guy had to grow a beard and get a new identity under the federal witness-protection program. At last word, he was working on an Idaho spud farm.
Now things are changing for single women. (At least for those of us who live in Orlando.) We are blessedly outnumbered. So pop the champagne, stow the cookies and fire up the party music, ladies. We are In Demand.
If the trend continues, Orlando will make national headlines as the place where single men are more likely to be abducted by giant cockroaches than to get a date or find a woman to marry. Remember, you read it here first.
Could this mean that single women can stop feeling like underdogs battling incredible odds in the quest for truth, justice and a normal sex life? Could this mean that single men will have to-gasp!-work harder to attract and keep a woman?
Aunt Pittypat, pass the smellin` salts-ah`m feelin` faint.
OK, so it`s not that bad. Males outnumber females in Orlando by 1,029, the census says. Hardly a staggering imbalance. Don`t ask me where those 1,029 single men are, because I don`t know. But they are never at the health club, grocery store, bookstore or laundromat when I am. The 1,029 are probably priests. Or maybe they are all over age 85. Perhaps one man with 1,029 personalities thought it would be funny to screw up the census.
But who knows what the future holds? We may see titles in the bookstore like ”How to Find and Marry the Woman of Your Choice” or ”How Men Can Beat the Dating Odds.” Men`s magazines will run articles like ”Get Your Woman to Commit in 10 Easy Steps.”
The laws of supply and demand tell us that items in short supply become more valuable. In Orlando, a single woman may become as rare and valuable as the Hope Diamond, a Renoir painting, a Rolls-Royce, a portfolio of blue-chips. Before, the Evil Demographers had us believing we were as worthless as cubic zirconia, a velvet Elvis, a Corvair, yesterday`s corn chips.
Of course, if word gets out that Orlando is Hunk World, single women from other parts of the country will want to move here. We must discourage this. We must make sure that women in other states are aware of the following statistic: Giant cockroaches outnumber humans in Florida by a ratio of 20 to 1, according to Herman, my bug man, who knows these things.
If that little tidbit doesn`t keep those Yankee opportunists away from our 1,029 extra men, nothing will.
A few weeks ago, in the days before Census, a friend was congratulating himself on being single, young and fit. ”I`ve got it made,” he said. ”The numbers are in my favor.”
Wait until the terrorist alien cockroaches come calling and he`s up to his ears in chocolate-chip cookies.
