Dear Readers: The following appeared in the Mayo Clinic Health Letter. It is an extremely thoughtful questionnaire that could prevent a great deal of grief in families:
Most older people prefer to live independently, in their own homes. But what if you can`t care for yourself, yet you`re not ill enough to be in a nursing home? Occasionally people opt for moving in with their adult children. Here are some questions to consider:
(1) Do you really want to live with your son or daughter? Do they want you to live with them?
(2) Can your family afford to have you live with them?
(3) How easily can you adapt to your family`s lifestyle and they to yours?
(4) Will you feel like a visitor in their home?
(5) What are the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship with your children? Comfortable? Compromising? Emotionally strained?
(6) Can you continue to pursue hobbies you enjoy?
(7) Can you keep in touch with your friends?
(8) How much time do you expect your family to spend with you? If you are home alone during the day, will you feel bored, isolated or depressed?
(9) Will you have your own room? How much personal space do you need?
(10) Can you bring along a favorite chair? Are there stairs to climb?
(11) Can you keep your car and driver`s license? Are you willing or able to ride a bus? Do you have to depend on your family for transportation needs? (12) Can you help with the cooking and cleaning? Do you want to? Will your family let you?
(13) Will you need help with your personal care? If you will, can your family accommodate your needs?
(14) Can you help with household expenses?
(15) If you can`t manage your own financial affairs, who will assume this responsibility?
If you or your children have reservations about living together, consider a trial period.
Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I have two daughters; the older one is well-off financially, and the other is divorced with a little boy.
We are constantly having to help out our younger daughter and her son. Although she is working, it takes all she can make to support herself and her child. When she has car repairs, medical bills or any extra expenses, we must pitch in with extra money.
This is making us feel guilty because we`ve always heard that parents should not show partiality.
Our older daughter doesn`t seem to mind, but she sees what we are doing for her sister. We fear it is natural for her to feel some resentment and don`t think it`s fair, but we don`t know what to do about it.
Do you have any suggestions for keeping the peace and making it fair for both our children?
Feeling Guilty in Texas
Dear Texas: Surely your well-off daughter realizes that her sister needs the help and she doesn`t. I suggest that you buy her a lovely gift
occasionally or give her a family heirloom that she will treasure. That should do it.
———-
Is life passing you by? Want to improve your social skills? Write for Ann Landers` new booklet, ”How to Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely.” Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $4.15 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, Ill. 60611-0562. (In Canada, send $5.05.)
