“Never trust anyone who wants to slim down anything.”
-John Mortimer, “Rumpole”
This dispatch comes to you from a little-known research facility inside the Museum of Middle Management. Here, in high-tech laboratories, a team of engineers has gathered to embark on Project Dreamsicle-the cryogenic freezing of former corporate managers.
Dr. Finknottle, the project’s director, explained the logic of the museum and its controversial new project:
“Middle managers are on the verge of extinction,” he told me solemnly. “That’s why the Museum of Middle Management was founded. But we eventually concluded that instead of just sitting by, we would try to gather and preserve as many managers as we could.”
“Is that necessary?” I asked.
“Middle managers are the consciousness of the corporation, the accumulated wisdom of the firm. Companies who cut out these people are giving themselves self-administered lobotomies. Such companies are literally losing their minds.”
This seemed true to me. But I suggested to Dr. Finknottle that the problem should take care of itself. The “flattening of organizations”-known in some companies as “f-ing the o”-is a fad that has about run its course.
“I wish it were that easy,” he replied. “For one thing, this fad won’t go away. We have data to show that major companies are increasing their permanent staff reductions. The fad has become a pathology. Companies aren’t just `cutting fat’ or `slimming down’ anymore; it’s now a case of corporate bulimia.”
I told him that I understood his concern, but questioned the wisdom of taking laid-off executives and freezing them.
“It sounds preposterous,” he admitted. “Around here we like to say that we have taken the hiring freeze to its logical conclusion. Big companies have treated their middle managers as disposable. Now they’ll be microwaveable.”
I asked him where he finds middle managers willing to be frozen.
“We have plenty to choose from. So far, they’re all middle-aged males. Men who can’t wait 10 or 20 years for society to realize its mistake. Good men. Old-fashioned men. The sort of men who, when duty calls, they answer. Not like these new executives: Nowadays when duty calls, executives say, `Take a message. I’ll call back.’ “
As Dr. Finknottle and I approached one freezing unit, I asked him about the man inside.
“He’s a 49-year-old advertising executive,” Dr. Finknottle replied. “The agency eliminated his position. They did not eliminate his work-his assignments went to a 26-year-old. He told me that his replacement was three-quarters as good, at half the salary. That’s the brutal equation going on in today’s economy.”
“What is he feeling? Does he dream?”
“No dreams. Ironic, isn’t it? These men come to us because they no longer have dreams.”
I asked Dr. Finknottle the procedure for anyone interested in applying to be frozen.
“We currently have openings. In fact, we just introduced a special trial offer where qualifying middle managers can be frozen for a week.” He added, “There is one caveat, however.”
What’s that?”
“There’s talk of budget cutbacks. If that happens, we’ll end up using the freezers for our own staff.”
