Dear Ann Landers: Last May, my husband and I were driving from West Orange, N.J., to Washington to visit our daughter. We were bringing her mattress, which was secured on the top of our truck.
Shortly before we got off the New Jersey Turnpike, we smelled smoke. We pulled over to the shoulder and discovered that the smoke was coming from the burning mattress.
We jumped out and pulled the burning mattress off the roof. A few minutes later, a New Jersey state trooper arrived and tried to extinguish the fire. Shortly after, a fire engine came, and the firefighters finished the job.
In view of the fact that none of us was smoking, we asked the firefighters what could possibly have caused the fire. They said, “Someone tossed a lit cigarette out of a car, and it landed on your mattress.”
I am writing this to alert others to the potential danger of throwing lighted cigarettes from car windows. That thoughtless act could have cost us our lives.
V.W., West Orange, N.J.
Dear V.W. in W.O.: I’ve had dozens of letters complaining about this problem. Yours was the one that brought home the point most dramatically. Many thanks.
Dear Ann Landers: My loving, laughing mother passed away recently after a short bout with cancer. Helping care for her was a privilege, but I encountered a lot of well-meaning but less-than-helpful assistance from the people around us. May I offer some advice to your readers?
(1) Don’t visit the patient unannounced. Please call ahead.
(2) Don’t send “get well” cards to a person who is not going to get well. And don’t write to tell us how sad you are. Such messages upset my mother who was having enough trouble dealing with her own sadness. Send a funny or happy note. Or better yet, share a funny memory.
(3) Don’t call on the phone and cry. I cannot tell you how many people did this to my mother and me. Please call when you are able to be upbeat and offer a sick person some cheerful diversion.
(4) Don’t send the patient candy or rich foods they are unable to eat. Ask what the patient can have and offer to prepare something light and nourishing. Homemade soups are always a treat.
(5) Don’t say, “If there is anything I can do, please let me know.” I heard this dozens of times, and it always sounded phony. Cook or bake something. Drop off a humorous book or a funny video. Come over and visit the caretaker if the patient is gravely ill. Caretakers get lonely and depressed and can use a lift.
If you feel awkward and don’t know what to say or do, be honest and say just that. We can then help you so you will know how to help us through a difficult time.
Missing Mom in L.A.
Dear Missing Mom: So many people who mean well often say and do the wrong thing around the terminally ill and their families. You have made a meaningful contribution, and I thank you.
Gem of the Day: Forty isn’t old-if you’re a tree.
Is that Ann Landers column you clipped years ago yellow with age? For a copy of “Gems,” her most frequently requested poems and essays, send a self-addressed, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $4.85 to: Gems, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, Ill. 60611-0562.
