For several years, we’ve had the same debate.
Why, I plead, can’t we have something different, something that I enjoy. Maybe pork shanks, pork chops, a steak, even a ham.
And her firm answer is always the same. “It is Thanksgiving, and turkey with all the trimmings is the traditional American dinner on Thanksgiving. Since we are Americans, we will eat turkey.”
But I am tired of turkey. Because of the damn doctors and their campaign of cholesterol terror, I eat turkey almost every day. Turkey sandwiches, turkey patties, turkey meatloaf and you even make chili with turkey, which is an abomination.
“You will live longer,” she says.
Yes, that’s really something to look forward to: When I am 90, I will be gumming my one millionth turkey on whole wheat sandwich, and hold the mayo. There is no law that says we have to have turkey on Thanksgiving.
“Turkey is what the Pilgrims ate, and it is what we will eat.”
But that was just mere chance, happenstance. If there had been plump pigs or even monkeys in the forests instead of turkeys, they would have eaten pigs and monkeys. And millions of Americans would now happily devour their traditional Thanksgiving pig or monkey. Why don’t we do that?
“Eat a monkey?”
Of course not. The supermarket doesn’t carry them, and even if it did, we don’t have a good recipe. But we could roast a whole pig and set it in the middle of the dining room table with an apple in its mouth.
“With its head still on and the poor thing’s lifeless eyes staring at us? Do you want all the children to be terrified and traumatized.”
Well, I’m not insensitive. I’d close the eyes or put sunglasses on it. And I could even hack it up in the kitchen and serve it in chunks. Then they’d think they were finally getting a turkey that tasted good.
“Turkey was good enough for the Pilgrims, so it is good enough for us.”
The Pilgrims also ate eel. Look it up.
“You want a Thanksgiving eel?”
Not really. It would probably be hard to stuff it with the dressing. But the Pilgrims also had geese and ducks.
“Goose is too greasy, and most of the children still identify ducks with Donald.”
We can tell them the ducks are midget turkeys.
“Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, there isn’t room in the oven for 15 individual ducks. So accept it; like almost every other American family, we are going to eat a turkey.”
Then how about if we change the kind of stuffing we use.
“What do you have in mind?”
We could stuff it with a strip steak and a few pork chops.
“We will have traditional stuffing. I really don’t understand this. I remember when you enjoyed a Thanksgiving turkey.”
Yes, there was a time when I liked turkey, although my favorite preparation was the way it is done in a diner: a few slices on white bread, mashed potatoes on the side, with about a pint of dark, greasy gravy poured over the whole thing. But that was before doctors and dietitians started nagging about cholesterol, forcing millions of men to suppress their ancient and natural craving for salami or liverwurst and eat slices of a big, boring bird. I can’t prove it, but I’m sure the American Medical Association has secretly bought up most of America’s turkey farms.
“They are just giving you good health advice. Red meats and greasy foods are not good for us.”
So they say. But if you believe that, what about the gorilla and the panther?
“What are you talking about?”
Just go to the zoo and take a look for yourself. The average gorilla has a pot belly, sagging breasts, a big butt, fat thighs, bad teeth, mangy-looking hair, beady eyes and isn’t even potty trained. Would you want to look like that?
“Of course not.”
Ah, but look at the panther. Lean, trim, smooth, graceful, alert, capable of running at incredible speeds and leaping great distances. Now that, you must concede, is a gorgeous creature.
“Yes, but what do panthers and gorillas have to do with anything?”
I’ll tell you what. Scientific proof. The gorilla eats nothing but vegetables, fruits, nuts, grains and other so-called health foods. But panthers, as well as the sleek tiger and powerful lion, are on a high-cholesterol, all-meat diet. They’re always chasing down zebras and antelopes and other tasty treats. But you never hear a doctor tell you that. That’s why I’m going to start getting my annual checkup from a veterinarian.
“Whatever you say. But on Thanksgiving, we will have turkey. And you can go out and chase down an antelope.”
I suppose it is another year with me and a drumstick.
“Yes, but remember to remove the skin. That’s where the cholesterol is.”
Is McDonald’s open on holidays?
