Q. In a town near us a baby-sitter was just convicted of child abuse. How can we check out a baby-sitter so that our kids will be safe? How can we tell if something is wrong?
A. Get names of sitters from close friends and relatives or your church. You can also call your county 4H group for leads. Another good resource is your local Red Cross, which does baby-sitter training in most locations.
Interview candidates at your home. Watch how they relate to your child. Ask about their experience and training. Check their references. Ask them if they mind if you do a background check with the state police. You can obtain a Freedom of Information Act request form from your nearest state police post to obtain a criminal records check. There is a $15 fee.
When you are ready to hire, have your sitter visit for several hours while you are present, and help him/her learn more about your child and what you expect. The sitter needs to become familiar with your emergency plans, your home, what areas are off-limits, your rules, etc.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, too. The first time you leave your child with the sitter, try to make it a short time. When you have begun leaving your child with the sitter regularly, drop in unexpectedly to check things out.
Changes in the child’s behavior are the best clues to possible abuse. These could be changes in eating or sleeping habits, changes in play habits, and changes in the way the child responds to adults.
Q. I am a single father trying to do the best I can with my 6-year-old daughter. On the radio recently, I heard a psychologist say we can improve children’s self-esteem and our communication with them by using more “I” messages. What did he mean?
A. Until I read Thomas Gordon’s book, “Parent Effectiveness Training” in 1971, I didn’t know what an “I” message was, either. An “I” message means you start your comment to your child with an I that tells the child what you are thinking and feeling, as in “I really love you.”
Sometimes we use too many “you” messages that really don’t tell the child much. For example, “You forgot to make your bed again,” or “You never tell me anything that goes on at school.”
Think about how much more meaningful it is when you say, instead, “I really get upset when I have to make your bed, because I think you are big enough to do it yourself and it would save me time in getting ready for work. You know, I would really feel proud if you did it without me reminding you.”
