Scene I: You’re waiting for the elevator in your apartment building. Meanwhile, your next-door neighbor is standing 3 feet away, facing the opposite direction. To say hello or not say hello, that is the question.
Scene II: You’re folding whites in the laundry room, alongside three other tenants who not only share your address, but have just seen your underwear. The silence is louder than the whirr of the washing machine.
Remember when neighbors were folks you smiled at, gossiped with and borrowed sugar from? People whom you knew and liked and trusted?
“People today feel intimidated by the impersonal nature of apartment living,” psychologist Patricia Buckley says. “When neighborhoods were more stable, people formed more cohesive bonds. Now there is fluidity in occupancy. People move in and out, living their own separate lives.”
“It just doesn’t seem like people are friendly these days,” suburbanite Stephanie McGuire complains. “You’d think that since your neighbors are so close-I mean, you share a wall with them-that they would knock on your door, or just say `Hi.’ But they don’t.”
“The only time I meet my neighbors is when I complain about their noise,” says John Kovitch, who recently moved to the area. “I also met some when I was moving my furniture in and holding up the elevator.”
Why are apartment dwellers such an unfriendly bunch?
“They’re not, really. They’re just afraid to reach out,” explains Ansar Ahmad, who moved to Chicago in November. “What if your neighbors don’t like you? You don’t want them to think you’re desperate or nosy. So then you think, why bother?”
Taking the initiative
“I’ve always had to take the initiative,” McGuire laments. “Whenever I see someone, I always say hello, but it’s not reciprocated. I’ve left conversations knowing the other person’s name, where they live, where they work, and they didn’t ask me anything at all. People make me feel like I’m bizarre for talking to them.”
McGuire acknowledges that time is a major barrier to forming friendships on the premises. “People have different schedules. They’re running in and out, and especially when it’s cold outside, they don’t want to take the time to stop,” she says. “I don’t expect them to chat for 20 minutes, but taking two minutes to show interest and respect is not too much to ask, is it?”
“It’s a fast-paced lifestyle,” Ahmad agrees. “In the evening, you’re just rushing to get home from work. All you have time for is dinner and talking to your spouse, not making small talk with the neighbors.”
“Being part of a couple can sometimes hinder meeting people, too,” he admits. “If I were alone, I’m sure I would seek out company. For example, if my wife and I want to go to a building-sponsored activity, it’s hard to find something that we’re both interested in; and neither of us wants to go without the other. Also there’s a question of finding friends we both like.”
Ahmad believes that “single people try harder to interact. People who don’t work outside the home tend to try harder, too. My wife is starting to get restless being home alone all day. I think by nature women are more social. Men play it by ear. If they meet someone, great; otherwise they’ll watch the sports channel.”
“It’s a lot of work starting a new relationship,” Kristen Nelson says. “Every time I think about it, something else comes up. It’s too big of an effort.”
Nelson, who lives in a two-flat, is also concerned about intruding on her neighbors’ privacy. “When I and my roommmates moved in, we were all excited that three guys lived below us. But they have girlfriends, so we don’t want to cause trouble for them by hanging out in their apartment or inviting them to ours. We don’t want to be perceived as a threat, that we’re coming on to them. Like when we made Christmas cookies, I wanted to take them some, but I didn’t want their girlfriends to say, `Who are these girls bringing cookies to our boyfriends!’ “
A little note …
Dr. Randy Georgemiller, a psychologist, had a similar experience. “When I moved into my new apartment, I agonized over how to meet my across-the-hall female neighbor,” he recalls. “I wanted to approach her without making her feel threatened. I didn’t want her to think I was hitting on her. So I wrote a sterile note, introducing myself, and inviting her to call or drop by for coffee sometime. Then I slipped it under her door.”
She never came. Or called.
“In our building, if you really want to meet people, it’s not that hard,” Ahmad concedes. Unlike many apartment buildings, “ours has lots of common areas and building activities. But my wife and I tend to keep to ourselves. Even though we share a building with these people, it’s still our home, and everyone needs their space. I would never presume to knock on someone’s door.”
“It’s sad,” McGuire sighs, “that we live in an era where we have to lock our doors from our neighbors, and that when someone knocks, you have to look through the peephole before you can open it.”
That is a shame, Buckley agrees, because “from a safety standpoint, it’s good to know the people around you. You can act like a neighborhood watch. And it just feels good to have friends around you, instead of people who walk by and look away.”
For people such as McGuire, who aren’t satisfied with averted eyes and pregnant pauses, psychologists Buckley and Georgemiller offer advice on building bridges across the hallway.
– Don’t be too aggressive. The first time you see someone, smile. The second time, say hello. The third time, introduce yourself. This precaution also ensures that the person you’re meeting is someone who lives in your building; that they’re not just wandering through.
You’ll know someone is receptive if they make eye contact. Likewise, that’s your signal to others.
– Choose a spot where it’s natural to hang out for a while, like the laundry room, swimming pool, sundeck, mailroom or elevator.
Don’t approach a neighbor who’s in an obvious hurry. If she’s fumbling for her keys with arms full of groceries, or running bathrobe-clad to throw out the garbage, it’s not the best time to break the ice.
– Take a risk. “Even if you fumble and say something stupid, it still puts the other person at ease. There’s a victory in reaching out. And if they don’t reciprocate, what’s lost?” Buckley says. “If they’re unfriendly, respect their boundaries, but don’t let that discourage you.”
Adds Georgemiller: “Don’t assume that their lack of response means rejection. One time I discovered that the woman who had been folding clothes next to me in the laundry room was silent only because she didn’t speak English very well.”
– When introducing yourself, give your first name and apartment number. “Then close your mouth and let the other person talk. Sometimes we’re so nervous we just keep on talking, and that makes the other person uncomfortable,” Georgemiller says. “You don’t want to appear too eager.”
– Find common ground for small talk. If you’re in the laundry room, complain about the cost of the machines. Walking into the building, comment on the weather. In the mailroom, talk about junk mail. “The key is finding a topic universal enough, but also shallow enough,” Georgemiller says. “We all know these things. We just need some encouragement to actually do them.”
– Good opening lines on the elevator: Ask what time it is; comment on anything unusual the other person is carrying (“Looks like you wiped out the mall!”); mention how cute their baby is; ask what floor you can push for them.
You’ll be perceived as less threatening if you approach someone when a third party is present.
– Borrow something-milk, butter, a can opener.
– Start a club based on your interests-playing bridge, books, a sport, soap operas. “Put up a notice with your phone number on it,” Buckley suggests. “If that doesn’t feel safe, invite people to leave their names and numbers, or put up the number of the management office. Try to meet in common areas in the beginning, instead of in someone’s apartment. There are ways to interact without giving up your safety.”
– If the landlords are live-ins, start with them. “Landlords know everyone in the building. They know if there’s another tenant who shares your profession or plays the same sport as you, and they’ll introduce you.”
– Call the management office and ask them to organize a building activity, suggests Maureen Vaughn, marketing director of CAMCO, which manages five Chicago apartment buildings. “The building itself benefits when residents know one another. It’s good for morale. People who are happy in a building stay in that building.”
