Lillian Katz hated the intense sibling rivalry she experienced during her childhood, especially with her twin sister. When she became a mother of three, she was determined to keep sibling rivalry to a minimum.
She made rules for herself, including never allowing her children to say mean things to or about each other; never comparing them to each other; and trying to teach them to take pleasure in each other’s good fortune.
Now Katz, a professor of early childhood education at the University of Illinois at Urbana and an expert on sibling rivalry, knows that in small doses it isn’t necessarily bad.
“Kids can learn from squabbling,” says Katz, president of the National Association for the Education of Young Children. “How to defend themselves, how to cope with anger.”
But too often, she and other researchers say, parents allow siblings to fight because they think they are powerless to stop it. Unfortunately, parents can unknowingly feed into the rivalry, making the situation worse.
This happens naturally enough, according to Judy Dunn, a professor of human development at Penn State University and the nation’s foremost researcher on sibling issues. “On the one hand, you know that a lot of attention to one child can make (sibling rivalry) worse; on the other, you are told to treat each child as an individual. How can you possibly walk the line?”
The key may lie in understanding why siblings fight in the first place. “They are competing for something they think is in short supply,” says Katz: “You.”
Dunn’s research shows this begins as early as age 1, when a baby begins to monitor the attention you show to one child and not the other.
There is another, often overlooked, reason children fight, according to Dunn and Adele Faber, co-author with Elaine Mazlish of the best-selling book “Siblings Without Rivalry” (Avon, 1987).
“Some kids just irritate each other,” Faber says. “The chemistry doesn’t work. One is quiet, thoughtful and slow-moving, the other likes loudness, activity, frenzy.” As they get older, envy and jealousy contribute to clashes.
Despite all efforts, fights will erupt. “You can’t eliminate all of them, but it’s quite another thing to just sit by and allow them to happen,” says Katz.
From the time your children have their very first squabbles at age 2 or 3, Faber recommends making it clear that you don’t approve of being mean to each other.
“Kids often fight when you’re on the phone,” says Katz. “The strongest message you can send is to hang up and deal with it immediately. Say firmly: `We do not allow that in our family. We do not say mean things to each other, or hurt each other, or call each other names.”‘
Here are some other ways to defuse sibling rivalry:
– In the course of a week, spend time alone with each child.
– Avoid saying such things as, “Why can’t you two share?” “Why can’t you play nicely?” “Your cousins always take turns.” “He’s younger; you should know better.”
– Teach children to argue without hurting each other by stating their position (“I want to play with this”), justifying their claim (“You’ve been playing with it more than me”) and offering a solution (“Let’s take turns, 10 minutes each”).
