The question asked most often when talking about domestic violence is, “Why does she stay?” This is asked by those fortunate enough to never have had any experience with an abusive partner. Staff and volunteers at domestic violence service agencies would prefer the question, “Why does he abuse?” It is time to stop trying to eliminate the problem of domestic violence through the victim. We need to look at the problem of domestic violence by examining the person who is actually able to stop the abuse.
Why does he abuse? It is not because he has a problem managing his anger. The typical abuser does not beat up the boss who cut his hours or cut his pay. He does not beat up the police officer who gave him a ticket. He knows the penalty for doing those acts; he could lose his job or end up in jail. The penalty for beating your wife has historically been much less painful. In the past, police officers were trained to do counseling when they arrived at a domestic violence call to try to “de-escalate” the problem. They told the abuser to quiet down, get counseling or quit drinking.
A 1981 survey by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minn., of more than 2,000 males who have been in jail or in a court-mandated treatment program admitted to strong beliefs that they have the right to control or punish their partners for perceived hostile or wrongful behavior. If the wife does something wrong, it is the husband’s responsibility to punish her.
My first job at South Suburban Family Shelter was that of a court advocate. One of the duties I had was to assist the domestic violence victim through the criminal court system. A question that was frequently asked of the victim was, “What did you do to make him hit you?” The belief was that the victim must have done something; the abuser would not just hit her for no reason.
Fortunately, attitudes at the Markham courthouse have changed and this question is no longer asked. Our society has supported the belief that there needs to be an order in the family system, and that the head of the family should be male, based on gender alone. The acceptance of this role leads men to expect submission and has influenced the female to take the subordinate position.
There are a number of reasons a victim will stay in an abusive relationship. The question we need to keep asking until domestic violence is no longer a problem is, “Why does he abuse?”
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