Aliens have landed. Mother did give birth to two-headed baby. Elvis is working at a 7-Eleven outside Toledo. And his daughter is married to Michael Jackson.
Ohmygod. The National Enquirer has become the paper of record. The silliest rumor of the summer-Michael Jackson marries Lisa Marie Presley, yeah, right-appears to be true. How can this be?
Top 10 reasons Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson got married
10. They’re in love.
9. They had to.
8. They were playing “Truth or Dare” and they both lost.
7. The marriage ceremony was part of the all-inclusive Sandals Dominican Republic vacation package.
6. Some people will do anything to get wedding gifts.
5. Some people will do anything to get attention.
4. Lisa has unresolved father issues.
3. Michael has unresolved father issues.
2. The stars were seriously out of alignment.
1. It was a public service because people were tired of reading about O.J. Simpson.
Who’s crying now?
Brooke Shields
Emmanuel Lewis
Macaulay Culkin
Danny Keough, the ex-Mr. Lisa, unless he had a whopper of a prenup
Bubbles the chimp
Who’s making money off this deal?
Col. Tom Parker, who charged Presley 50 percent commission.
Donald Trump, Jackson’s landlord in New York, who will certainly try to sell him a bigger apartment.
Don King, because he makes money off of every deal.
Assorted attorneys who must have worked out a prenuptial agreement thicker than the Manhattan phone book.
The government.
The family tree
Priscilla Presley is now Michael Jackson’s mother-in-law.
Famous last words
“I am not pampered in any way really.”-Lisa Marie Presley
“Children have had their childhood stolen from them.”-Michael Jackson
“I’m considerably unaffected, very stable.”-Lisa Marie Presley
“Peter Pan asks us to fly, to become boundless, to dream the impossible dream.”-Michael Jackson
“I’m very normal.”-Lisa Marie Presley
Strangely silent
Elizabeth Taylor
Words to give pause
Michael Jackson, stepdad
Who will throw the bridal shower?
Diana Ross
Ann-Margret
Shelley Fabares
Janet Jackson
Tony Pellicano
It’s impossible to be tacky when it comes to this subject, so let’s guess who will handle the divorce
They’ll both have to use public defenders because every attorney in L.A. is working for O.J. Simpson.
What they have in common
She’s the princess of rock, he’s the prince of pop.
Neither finished high school.
She inherited her father’s full, pouty lips. So did he.
She dyes her blond hair black. He bleaches his black skin blond.
They both grew up as a meal ticket to their family. Priscilla Presley got just $750,000 in cash when she divorced Elvis in 1973. When he died in 1977, his entire estate was left to Lisa Marie. When he was just 9, sister La Toya said, Michael told his father that if he ever hit him again, he would stop singing.
Both make commercials. He once endorsed Pepsi. She appeared with her mother in an Oldsmobile TV ad.
They’re both used to indulgent behavior. Lisa once complained to her father that she had never seen snow, so he sent his jet, the Lisa Marie, to L.A., flew her to Utah, let her make snowballs for 20 minutes, then flew her home. Michael has 30 gardeners, 40 security guards and an employee who does nothing but change the Pampers on his pet chimps.
When little Lisa wanted to see a movie, Daddy would rent a theater. When Michael wants to see a movie, he sees it in his own 100-seat theater. When little Lisa wanted to ride a carousel, Daddy took over an amusement park. Michael has his own amusement park.
Girls marry their fathers
Elvis loved to play with guns and once shot out a TV that was annoying him. Michael has an arsenal that includes an “Uzi-like” weapon he calls “the ultimate protector.”
Wedding gifts
You have to be creative when the groom owns the rights to all the Beatles records and the bride inherited her father’s $100 million estate on her 25th birthday. Some suggestions:
He likes bones, endangered species, children (on second thought, better not send any of those), Disneyland, cartoons and plastic surgery. She likes Scientology, jogging, playing with her kids, and really ticking off her mother.
Where to live
On one hand you have Neverland Valley Ranch, 2,700 acres in Santa Ynez, Calif., which includes a museum and a merry-go-round. On the other, there’s Graceland in Memphis, with its Jungle Room and red velvet decor. Maybe as a compromise, the couple could apply for a nice two-bedroom at the Presidental Towers.
We were there!
The bride wore a tasteful white jumpsuit with a rhinestone-studded belt, blue suede shoes and a hound-dog expression. The groom was resplendent in a black space suit, white socks and single glove. She sported a healthy tan. He had a deathly pallor. She gyrated up the aisle; he moonwalked. After he promised to love her tender, the two were proclaimed manchild and wife. The groom grabbed his crotch while the bride tried to keep a grip on her sanity. In the company of assorted llamas, hangers-on and, according to People magazine, a few chickens, the bridal party feasted on peanut butter and banana sandwiches and orange pop. Then they retired to the honeymoon suite, where they climbed into a king-size oxygen chamber and did what all newlyweds do: counted their cash.
The Presley-Jackson songbook
The first project of the new couple is releasing some singles combining family favorites.
On one side, “All Shook Up”; on the other, “The Way You Make Me Feel.”
On one side, “Love Me Tender”; on the other, “Beat It.”
If Lisa Presley can marry Michael Jackson, then any union is possible
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