“Mathematics has given economics rigor, but alas, also mortis.” – Robert Heilbroner
Just one look at Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and you figure him for digestion troubles. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves; for Greenspan, it’s his stomach lining.
Maybe that’s why nobody criticizes Alan Greenspan. It also helps that nobody understands the Federal Reserve Board. Presidents, senators, reporters: They can merely sigh and say, “Boy, I sure hope Greenspan knows what he’s doing.”
It must be lonely being Alan Greenspan. Who else wants higher interest rates? Who else thinks the economy is “overstimulated”? He alone is visited by The Ghost of Inflation Past. Boy, I sure hope he knows what he’s doing.
You may recall from economics classes that inflation results from “too many dollars chasing too few goods and services.” I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen too many hunter-dollars patrolling the streets of my neighborhood. No, the little George Washingtons on the dollar bills in my wallet look tired and queasy. There are no shortages of goods and services, not here. There are still too many shopping centers, too many restaurants, too many dry cleaners, too many middle managers and, yes, too many newspaper columnists.
Where is there a “boom-time” mentality? The employers I meet are fretful, the employees wary. Maybe that’s the way the Federal Reserve Board likes us: scared. We read reports of consumer and business “confidence” and assume that the more of it the better. But maybe for Greenspan it isn’t so. A confident worker asks for a raise; an optimistic employer grants it, then raises prices. Inflation is one measure of confidence.
But all we can do is watch and wait and hope that Alan Greenspan knows what he’s doing. To help keep up his spirits, I’m sending him a song I worked up in his honor. It’s sung to the tune of “Waltzing Matilda.” (To help you recall the melody, the original song opens, “Once a jolly swag-man sat beside the bill-a-bong, Under the shade of a coulibah tree.”)
I call my version “Waltzing With Greenspan.” It was inspired by a vision of the Fed chairman as a high school principal bursting into a school dance after hearing rumors of some fun breaking out.
Once the dour chairman
Heard the party getting loud,
Celebrating a good economy.
So he ran to the stage,
Crying “Shut off that rock `n’ roll!
Then come a-waltzing with Alan-that’s me.”
Chorus:
Waltzing with Greenspan,
Waltzing with Greenspan,
You’ll come a-waltzing with Alan-that’s me.
O, a-one and a-two, and isn’t this more sensible-
Doing the Federal Reserve waltz with me?
Verse 2:
You can’t be too careful;
mustn’t over-stimulate.
What matters more than regularity?
So we’ll sit and we’ll fret and
Maybe drink a little decaf,
Then more a-waltzing with Alan-that’s me.
Repeat Chorus.
