“Dave Gergen would probably stay. The furniture, Al Gore-things like that would probably go.” – Senate Minority Leader Robert Dole, on what he would change if he were in the White House.
“During dinner he uses the word `cognitive’ twice in five minutes.” – Actress Winona Ryder, giving evidence that she and her boyfriend, rocker Dave Pirner of Soul Asylum, are “well-read.”
“It is a fact of life that women need more time in the restroom.” – Ald. Ed Burke (14th), on introducing an ordinance requiring theaters, stadiums and convention halls to provide twice as many toilets for women as for men.
“Until you’ve sat up all night with the fat lady in a hospital or you’ve consoled a broken-hearted dwarf, you’re no expert. . . . .” – Sideshow promoter Ward Hall, on professors who write about freak shows yet never spend time with the subjects.
“Almost like a championship.” – Michael Jordan, on his first spring-training hit, an infield single.
“I like the visual impact of the building, except for the building itself.” – Marland Townsend, Foster City, Calif., city councilman, on the plans for the new library in his city.
“I am schizophrenic and have drug-induced psychoses. But other than that, I’m fine.” – Rob Pilatus, formerly of Milli Vanilli
“They’re blowing the whole black-Jewish thing up. There is no conspiracy among African-Americans against Jewish people. I’m sorry. I mean, the average black person doesn’t know who’s Jewish. It’s just another white person.” – Director Spike Lee
“A lot of horses get distracted. It’s just human nature.” – Nick Zito, trainer of the Kentucky Derby winner Go for Gin, on the importance of consistent workouts.
“Truth is on my side.” – Rep. Dan Rostenkowski, on his indictment for political corruption.
“Hooters? What are hooters I’ve never heared that expression.”- Barbara Walters, to Brett Butler on “The Barbara Walters Special.”
“Why would you trade the third most powerful man in this country for a freshman who couldn’t find his ass with both hands?” – Ald. Richard Mell (33rd), summing up Rep. Dan Rostenkowski’s re-election message.
“Business comes first. My boat comes second. And you come third.” – Ted Turner, to his second wife, quoted in the new biography of Turner, “It Ain’t as Easy as It Looks: Ted Turner’s Amazing Story,” by Porter Bibb.
“Everybody here is bending over triple-backwards to ensure that we handle this straight up.” – David Gergen, on the White House and the Whitewater scandal.
“I hear (Oliver) Stone is going to film the life of Simon Wiesenthal. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Kevin Costner is going to play Hitler.” – Comedian Mort Sahl
“So I guess what’s goose for-what is it?-what’s sauce for the goose is goose for the gander or something.” – Jerry Brown, former California governor, now host of a radio talk show.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger . . . or puts you on a talk show.” – Actress Carrie Fisher
“We’ve been waiting for HUD. Where’s HUD?” – Mayor Daley, calling for U.S. Housing and Urban Development Secretary Henry Cisneros to spend more time tearing down CHA high-rises instead of giving press conferences.
“What about all the beer you can drink and the girls down in front? There’s other things than money.” – Mick Jagger, of the Rolling Stones, responding to a reporter’s suggestion that, at this point in the Stones’ career, touring is just about making money.
“It’s not like Bill to pull down his pants.” – Gennifer Flowers, who claimed she had an affair with Bill Clinton, explaining why Paula Jones’ claims of sexual harassment against the president “don’t sound kosher.”
“I do the plot and subplot, and then I have someone help me finish.” – Romance-novel-model-turned-romance-novel-author Fabio, explaining his writing technique at a book-signing.
“The present system may be flawed, but that’s not to say that we in Congress can’t make it worse.” – Rep. E. Clay Shaw (R-Fla.), during House Ways and Means Committee debate on health-care reform.
“You hear them at the grocery store deliberating the balsamic vinegar and olive oils, the cold-pressed virgin olive oil vs. the warm-pressed olive oil, and you think: These people probably subscribe to an olive-oil magazine called New Dimension, people with too much money and very little character, people who are all sensibility and no sense, all nostalgia and no history, the people my Aunt Eleanor used to call `a $10 haircut on a 59 cent head.’ ” – Radio personality/author Garrison Keillor on his generation of Americans.
“I get really disgusted and despairing when I see young teenagers smoking grass and lying around listening to the Grateful Dead.” – LSD guru Timothy Leary, who in the 1960s advised youth to “Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out.”
“(As a commencement speaker) you don’t have to be intelligent, you just have to create the impression. This can usually be accomplished by (making) a reference to Kafka, even if you’ve never read any of his, or her, works.” – Comedian Bob Newhart, in a commencement address at Loyola Marymount University, Los Angeles.
“If I wrote about honest lawyers, I wouldn’t be able to give the books away.” – Writer John Grisham, defending his sleazy-attorney characters.
“Well, everything.” – Hillary Clinton, on what food President Clinton likes best.
“She was a real Catholic saint. Now I think I have someone to pray to. I’m not saying that with any irony at all.” – Directory/screenwriter John Waters, on the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
“(Sexual abuse charges) are one of the hazards of the profession-a new one. Kids get sharper. It is akin to putting glue on a teacher’s chair 20 years ago.” – Jackie Gallagher, a spokeswoman for the Chicago Teachers Union.
“I suppose I’m lucky I didn’t compliment him on his suit.” – U.S. Housing and Urban Development Secretary Henry Cisneros. Cisneros complimented a visiting French official, Michael Rivoire, on his tie, whereupon Rivoire then took his tie off and gave it to Cisneros.
“Well, they said he was a bubba, didn’t they?” – Singer Aretha Franklin, on why she accepted an invitation to perform in the Rose Garden of the White House for President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton and a select group of friends of the president.
“If I had a body like LaToya Jackson’s, I’d be butt naked everyday in the frozen food section of Ralph’s.”- Actress Rosie O’Donnell
“I’d like to be one of those people who can completely accept what they look like, but there aren’t many of those. And none of them are women. And none of them are in Hollywood.” – Roseanne
“You know, in Chicago we have a very unusual association with people that work for us.” – Rep. Dan Rostenkowski, defending himself against allegations that he kept no-show employees on the payroll.
“If O.J. caught me with her, he’d probably kill me.” – Ron Goldman in response to a questioner who asked on June 10th if he was sleeping with Nicole Brown Simpson. Goldman and Simpson were murdered two days later outside her Brentwood townhouse.
“I’ll tell you my problem with the situation. Double homicides just don’t crack me up the way they used to.” – David Letterman, on why he doesn’t do jokes about O.J. Simpson.
“In Arkansas, we always say, `Thank God for Mississippi.’ ” – Walter Smiley, a Little Rock investor, on the negative image of his home state since prominent Arkansans have left their Washington jobs.
“Sleeping with them is one thing. Liking them is another.” – Republican political consultant Mary Matalin, wife of Democratic political consultant James Carville, on Democrats.
“Tonya is really looking forward to being in the movie, and she’s really happy that she’ll be able to kill her manager.” – Merrill Eichenberger, manager of figure skater Tonya Harding, on Harding’s role in an upcoming movie.
“I’m very thrilled and pleased. I’m looking forward to the embalming.” – Tennis broadcaster Bud Collins, on his election to the International Tennis Hall of Fame.
“I did three shows in Moscow. Only thing was, the first night the audience was so polite. The promoter told me, `If you want ’em to stand up, to have a good time, you’ve gotta tell ’em, because they’re so used to being told what to do.’ ” – Singer Tom Jones
“People keep asking me, `What evil lurks in you to play such bad characters?’ There is no evil. I just wear tight underwear.” – Dennis Hopper
“I grew up in a little town in Arkansas that had a substantial Lithuanian population. So I grew up knowing about the problems of Baltic nations.” – President Clinton, before his visit to Latvia, on foreign-affairs experience he gained in Hope, Ark.
“There have been a plethora of guys to hit it up there, but that was the plethorest.” – The Florida Marlins publicist, on Cincinnati Reds outfielder Kevin Mitchell’s upper-deck home run at Joe Robbie Stadium in early July.
“Do you need a mudfest every 25 years? I don’t know. My claim to fame is that I wasn’t at the first one, and I ain’t going to be at the second one. It was mud and bad acid.” – Keith Richards, of the Rolling Stones, on Woodstock.
“The most important thing in life is life.” – Boxer Evander Holyfield, announcing his retirement in April because of a heart condition.
“He got a much easier death than any of his victims.” – William Kunkle, an attorney who prosecuted John Wayne Gacy and was a witness at his May 10 execution.
“People want to see his buttocks.” – Publicist David Schmidt, saying pictures of American teenager Michael Fay, who was caned in Singapore, would be worth $500,000.
