What is something that only a man can be, yet having become it, he is never only himself again? The answer is–a father. All too often, he is known by his absence rather than by his presence.
The difficulties of fathers are nothing new. Even the patriarches had their problems. Abraham might have pleased God by agreeing to sacrifice his son, Isaac. But today, would he be considered a child abuser? And Adam and Eve, the first two-parent household, produced by Cain and Abel.
In another sense, however, now there is something new about the problems of paternity. Fathers seem to be disappearing in record numbers. So disturbing is this phenomenon that even Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton agree that something must be done. Cracking down on deadbeat dads is part of the GOP welfare reform bill. And the president signed an executive order aimed at the 105,000 federal workers who fail to pay child support. His welfare reform plans include a measure that would require states to withhold the drivers’ and professional licenses of people derelict in their familial duties.
The term “absentee father” is becoming a redundancy. For an astonishing 38 percent of all kids, rising divorce rates and increasing numbers of out-of-wedlock births add up to a life without father. But is punishment the only answer. Have we forgotten that within every day, even a deadbeat, there is a beating heart.
When we consider the tremendous economic and social changes that have occurred, it is not surprising that ideas about manhood have changed too. But different roles need not lead to defeat. They can also lead to development.
In the 19th Century, the Industrial Revolution created a division between work and home, and between male and female responsibility. The new economy took men out of the home and curtailed their day to day contact with their children. A man’s status as a father depended on his earnings and his position. It was only in the late 1800s that custody of children was automatically granted to mothers because, by that time, fathers were thought to have lost parenting skills and bonds.
Now our economy is changing again. Often, both mothers and fathers are breadwinners. Fathers face other insecurities. Uncertain of obtaining or keeping good jobs, they wonder what the future holds.
Men must be better providers and more sensitive. Thus the workplace becomes especially precarious. Family-friendly firms frequently leave fathers out of the picture. Even men who avail themselves of pro-family policies are often viewed as uncommitted to their careers.
If we truly want more active and involved fathers who are also adequate providers, men need work. And employers should offer them more flexibility and respectability.
Paradoxically, women may hold the key to unlocking the heart of deadbeat dads. In the process of freeing ourselves, women have slammed as many doors as we have opened. Sometimes we have left others out in the cold. While it is true that many single mothers run successful households and many fathers are toxic, it is also true that in appropriating most rights and decisions related to procreation and child-rearing, many women have overburdened themselves and devalued their partners.
What can women do? Most fathers are deeply committed to their children. But a 1991 Census Bureau study found that about half of fathers receive no court-ordered visitation. When they do, almost 80 percent pay full child support, on time. But if mothers see no value in continual contact with fathers, following separation and divorce, sustaining close parental ties becomes even more difficult. Fathers need and want to be part of their children’s lives, not only by paying as you go, but also by being there as they grow.
The problems of children, from delinquency to depression to dropping out, seem to be linked to the paternal relationship. So if he is working or unemployed, at home or divorced, near or far, it is vital for a father to live within the heart of his children. His unbreakable affection and dependable protection will lead them into the larger world, whether he is a patriarch or a pal.
