To: All Employees
From: Company President
In light of our most recent downsizing success-the termination of the entire customer-service department-we have re-engineered our thinking about customers: who they are, what they represent, why they exist, and what we can do about them.
Customer service is no longer, in this economy, a justifiable idea. Indeed, customers have been served so well and so much that you’d think they, and not the management, were running the company.
This must change.
So first, we are working on what really counts: our advertising slogan.
The old slogan, “The customer-always utmost!” is gone. The new, more practical “The customer is you!” will adorn our stationery, our advertisements, our corporate psyche.
That’s where you, our loyal employees, all the ones we’ve allowed to stay with us, come in. We must now all become customer-service representatives.
Calls from customers will be distributed randomly through the building. We are trying to make this companywide effort as little trouble as possible. To that end, we recommend that you use these responses to customers who call:
1. “We’ll take care of that.”
2. “You may have a point.”
3. “We haven’t heard that before.”
4. “Absolutely. Positively.”
5. “Oh really?”
Try not to be unnecessarily negative. Most important: Never say, “I don’t know.”
To: All Employees
From: Company President
This is a response to comments from many of you who are upset that the Employee Exercise Center has been shut down in a cost-saving move.
Your bottom line here, so to speak, is that sound bodies have always been a part of our corporate philosophy, and the shutdown of this well-liked if admittedly inadequate facility seems to be an abrupt turnabout.
You are correct.
The company must operate cost centers, not budget drains. Management diligently sent forms to all of you asking whether you would agree to pay a modest $5 fee each time you used the workout room during a lunch break ($7.50 for guests).
Most of you failed to return your form. Those who did were overwhelmingly opposed to the token fee. We cannot continue to provide such services if employees are unresponsive or cannot come part way in meeting our demands.
To: All Employees
From: Company President
Exercise is back! There is a silver lining to our further downtrend in profits in this quarter. We have eliminated the building maintenance department. Now, you’ll be able to reap the healthful benefits of exercise in the company’s new Mop-Your-Own program. Company mops will be issued to everyone, and supervisors will assign cleanup boundaries for all employees. We’re putting some fun in this new push for a pleasant workplace and end-of-day cleanup contest. Cleaning your own space before you leave work is mandatory, and if you go the extra mile and put a special shine on someone else’s sloppy cleanup job, your supervisor will take note. You’ll get a commendation notice from me the next morning. Once you collect five commendables, I’ll personally bring you a new mop.
Remember: Lean, mean and clean!
To: All Employees
From: Company President
Effective immediately, hours at the company cafeteria will be cut back. The cafeteria will be open from noon to 12:35 on weekdays. The can and soda vendeteria will, however, remain open all day every day, including weekends.
The company subsidy to the cafeteria, which has been reduced in the past six months to almost nothing, will be reduced immediately to nothing. Sandwich prices will range from $6 to $11, which are competitive with nearby downtown restaurants that are French.
To: All Employees
From: Company President
It is with great pleasure that we announce the successful completion of all our re-engineering programs, which have realigned the duties of our entire non-management staff.
It is, however, with great sadness that we announce the job removal of the entire re-engineering staff. Please do not consider them gone. Rather, think of them being, like many great masterpieces, on permanent loan, somewhere else.
To: All Employees
From: Company President
Bottled water has become very popular among Americans, and employees at our corporation are no exception. With the coming removal of all water fountains-a cost savings of between $300 and $350 a year-we encourage you to try the bottled water available in stores everywhere, if you have not done so already. You’ll find it superior to the water that came pumping through our old water fountains for the past 65 years.
And there’s a bonus: Keep half-gallon jugs that you bring in yourself by your desk, and you’ll never have to go wandering down the aisles for relief from thirst when you need it.
Speaking of relief, management has come up with an ingenious way to save some hard-earned budget money in the company restrooms: Numbering the sheets of toilet paper. Simply record your name, the toilet-paper roll code, your starting number and your ending number on the clipboards placed in all restrooms. The liberal quota: 25 sheets a weeks, to be used in any combinations you like during five consecutive days. This not only helps save us money, it’s a boon to the environment. For a company that always attends to its civic duty, we think it’s a natural.
To: All Employees
From: Company President
Great news! Your cost-cutting efforts in production and budgets have saved us so much money, our projections for this quarter have taken a slight upturn. To celebrate, management is contributing a portion of its quarterly bonuses to mowing the courtyard on Saturday morning so that we can have an employee wiener roast Saturday afternoon. We realize that this is less than 24 hours’ notice and many of you won’t be able to come, but we thought that a spur-of-the-moment celebration would heighten the electricity for the intimate number of you who will be able to join us.
We’ll supply:
1. hot dogs
2. rolls (non-potato)
3. 3-liter bottles of generic soda
4. store-brand potato chips
5. propane grill from the human services vice president’s home
6. plenty of camaraderie!
You’ll supply:
1. condiments of your own choice (e.g. mustard, relish)
2. paper plates and plastic utensils of your choice
3. cups of your choice
4. cole slaw of your choice
5. potato salad of your choice
The wiener roast will begin promptly at 5 p.m. and end promptly at 6:15. Families invited. Please bring a plastic or paper bag for your garbage. (You packed it in, you pack it out.) For those of you wishing all-beef, turkey, vegetarian or kosher hot dogs, please BYO. Not to worry-we’ll still provide the rolls!
To: All Employees
From: Company President
Last week’s wiener celebration was pleasant, but it underscores one important point: If we want to continue the good times, we have to work hard for them. Please keep your customer-service phone calls to no more than 40 seconds; if a customer can’t cut to the chase by then, he/she is wasting my/your time.
Please continue to use your own pens. Please turn off your computers when not in use.
Please fill orders as quickly as possible, even if that means they are incomplete. (Customers forget what they ordered anyway, and will simply be happy to receive something from us, no matter what it is.)
Please stop misplacing your mops.
Remember: If you can’t cut it, you can’t cut it with us.
To: U
From: Prez
To save on paper and printing costs:
We r gng 2 stp memo wrtng w/vwls. Not all vwls. Bt mst vwls. Wll sv us $125/yr!
Thx.
