America has become a nation of overachievers–at work, home and even play. We simply do too much.
That leaves little free time and even less peace of mind. Such a qualitative shortage makes for hectic days and all-too-frequent feelings of life spinning out of control. Worse, it can lead to potential health problems. Researchers are just beginning to uncover a complex but definite relationship between emotional overload and compromised immune function.
Women are more prone to overdoing it, packing their daily schedules from early morning to way past a healthful bedtime.
Some numbers: Harvard University researcher Juliet B. Schor estimates the typical American employee works an additional 163 hours annually compared to 20 years ago. Schor calculates the working mother logs 76 to 89 hours each week to handle responsibilities of employment, child care and housework. That leaves about the same amount of time for sleep, grooming, weekend errands and maybe (or maybe not) a bit of personal time.
The American ideal of success is what drives us to excess, said Carolyn Gralewski, a psychotherapist in private practice in Palatine and on staff at the Adler School of Professional Psychology in Chicago.
“We have sort of an inferiority complex about our achievements,” Gralewski said. “Americans constantly push themselves to be more prosperous, to be perfect. Whatever we accomplish never seems enough. On the other hand, Europeans put a greater value on stability and reaching a middle ground.”
Gralewski said today’s society seems to hold women to the highest standards, noting even the most popular women’s sports–gymnastics and figure skating–demand perfection rather than simply winning.
“Lots of women are internally insecure,” she said. “One way to prove themselves is to go to an extreme. They think, `Unless I do all these things, people won’t love me.’ “
So women hurl themselves into a world of self-judgment.
There is “almost a competitiveness” to overdoing it, said Jennie Trotter, executive director and founder of the Wholistic Stress Control Institute in Atlanta.
“If a woman discovers two free hours, she usually wonders what she can accomplish that is productive,” Trotter said. “If she has 10 things on a things-to-do list, she feels awful about what didn’t get finished rather than celebrate the victories.”
Counselors refer to it as “overfunctioning.” The woman of the household is trying to live up to traditional views of being a wife and mother while buying into the husband’s lesser role. Or the single mother doesn’t delegate any chores to her children. She is the emotional rescuer of all family members and friends.
December is usually the month when this family imbalance becomes most lopsided but least recognized.
“The holidays are the time of year when patients especially ignore colds, headaches, back pain and other symptoms because they are too worried about what they have to get done,” said Dr. Elizabeth Burns, 46, head of the family medicine department at University of Illinois at Chicago. “They keep going right through the fatigue.”
One problem is outdated social theory, Burns said.
“In the 1970s women were saying, `We have to do it all,’ ” she explained. “We sold ourselves a bill of goods. We should choose to do whatever we want and not feel pressure to meet the expectations of others.”
Those others might include mothers who believe their physician-daughters should attend every PTA meeting or aggressive women executives who can’t accept a colleague who would rather spend more time with her children than get a promotion. Of course, women can often be the ones to put the most demanding expectations on themselves.
“I ask patients to verbalize what is important in their life and what’s not,” said Burns. “Then see if it matches up to what they are doing. When it doesn’t, sometimes it becomes clear they are trying to meet the expectations of their mothers, spouses, friends, co-workers or maybe some inner voice.”
Knowing you are overdoing it is one thing. Breaking the cycle is quite another proposition.
“My clients and students are mostly women who would like to cut back,” said Stuart Hayes, a private counselor and assistant professor at National-Louis University’s Wheaton campus. “But they don’t see how it’s possible.”
Hayes and others have suggestions for women who feel overwhelmed. There are ways to trim your workload without necessarily compromising personal goals or values. Sometimes it is as simple as asking for the right kind of support.
“Female clients tell me all the time that one of the most romantic things a husband can do is wash the dishes after dinner or put the kids to bed,” said Hayes. “It’s especially great when guys do things without needing any reminds or or pestering.”
Hayes said he suggests to clients — single or married — that they make a list of every task done in the home. Next, figure out how often each task is performed and who does it.
“You need to make some decisions about the list,” said Hayes. “It may be that some chores should be shifted to another household member. Or if you live alone, maybe you can choose to do less.”
Hayes said people who prefer an orderly household must be willing to compromise — with others or even with their more regimented, perfectionist selves.
In some cases, the compromise might include eliminating some chores. It is a symptom of overdoing it to assume everything on the list needs to get done–or at least as frequently as you think.
Hayes said plenty of women grapple with keeping a house clean to their liking–preferring to do most or all of the work instead of delegating some jobs to a less focused husband, children or roommate.
“The neatnik has to let go,” said Hayes. “Maintaining higher standards leads to less power. It is almost impossible to drag or nag a slob into neatness. You’re better off giving the less-orderly person one room in the house that doesn’t require rigorous cleaning in exchange for less mess in other parts of the home.”
In addition to having clients make lists, Burns asks them what they do for fun.
“They usually look at me like I’m crazy,” said Burns. “But then women admit feeling unusually stressed or out of sorts, snapping at the kids or husband. I tell them they need to find time to lighten up and even establish an identified time if necessary.
“You need mental time away from a jammed schedule. It’s just as important as getting regular physical exams and Pap smears.”
Not surprisingly, the desire for more income is a primary reason why women and men are overdoing it.
“You need to define money as something for which you trade your life energy,” said Vicki Robin, co-author of the bestseller, “Your Money or Your Life” (Penguin). “Work is not just an eight- or nine-hour proposition for most people. It’s more like 12 hours, or half the day, when travel and preparation are included. Don’t forget to add the extra hours you sleep or rest on the weekend because you are wiped out.
“Then divide take-home pay by number of real hours. Is your time worth that amount per hour? Lots of people end up wondering why they run to an office in special clothes for the privilege of spending money on a big mortgage for a house they can’t enjoy.”
Some people appear to be acting on the frustration of a frenzied lifestyle–or at least seriously thinking about it. A 1993 Gallup poll showed one-third of all American couples were willing to take a 20 percent pay cut if it meant one or both spouses could work fewer hours. A 1995 Merck Family Fund survey reported 28 percent of people answering yes to a question that asked if people had voluntarily made life changes in the last five years that resulted in less money. Yet another research study, funded by Fortune Magazine, revealed 42 percent of executive and managerial women between the ages of 40 to 44 admitted to “becoming bored with my job.”
University of Chicago psychologist and author Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi said you can avoid the dreaded feeling of overload or, worst case, burnout, by finding a job that is “at least in part expressive of your own best abilities.” This strategy helps us reach what he calls “flow,” a state of mind so exhilirating and focused that time passes virtually unnoticed.
You can apply the same principle to other parts of your life. His research shows people are three times as likely to feel in the flow at work rather than leisure, but only because such satisfying experiences happen when people are engaged in goal-oriented activity and when personal skills match the challenges at hand.
While quitting the corporate world for a more pleasing job seems less unthinkable than even five years ago, eliminating friends from your life might appear harsh. But surrounding yourself with fewer, supportive friends can greatly outweigh the benefit of a larger, less forgiving social circle.
Louise Lague, author of “The Working Mom’s Book of Hints, Tips and Everyday Wisdom,” provides a target list of “friends” to drop from your address book. One is the Resenter (“she was your buddy as long as you had a job and no baby or a baby and no job or until you lost the last of the baby weight”). Another is the Naysayer; Lague said she lets you talks first, then “takes you apart.” The Drainer and Taker pours out her troubles, but she’s not available to return the favor. The Sloppy Scheduler “makes a lunch date, cancels at the last minute, schedules again, cancels again.”
Friends and family are not the only source of support. Women can practice some self-counseling.
For example, Gralewski said extremes in language is frequently a tipoff for the overloaded person.
“When a client says `always’ or `never’ I will immediately question that word use,” she explained. “Pay attention to extremes in your language or emotions. They will tell you a lot about when you need to check yourself.”
Trotter said the simple act of telling herself she is not hopelessly busy can help reduce stress.
“Our perception often drives the reality,” she said. “Sometimes we make ourselves crazy-busy by thinking about it too much.
“I always make time to do some deep breathing during those times,” she said. “We all have to breathe anyway so it doesn’t take any more time. When you think about it, anything to do with deep breathing will energize your body and mind.”
