Dear Dr. Laura: Our son will turn 21 in August. He is in college, and we are pretty much supporting him financially as long as he is still in school.
Our problem is that he smokes cigarettes and marijuana. Last year we offered to give him a car with the condition that he quit smoking both. He said he would quit smoking cigarettes, which he knows causes lung cancer. As for the pot, he said he had spent quite a time studying it and insisted it would not harm his health. He said he wouldn’t quit.
We would like to give him a car because he has never had one. What should we do? — Los Angeles
A–It is admirable that you have been willing to sacrifice to provide an education for your son with all the opportunities therein. It is sad that he is willing to jeopardize his psychological functioning with the marijuana as well as his relationship with you and his opportunity for a higher education–not to mention the possibility of being arrested. All that and he has the nerve to argue that marijuana isn’t a problem?
It’s time to let the little bird fly. If he wants the power to make his own decisions, he should also have the responsibility to support that power. This means that financial support for him stops.
Tell him that, at 20 years old, he is a legal male adult and has the right to take whatever risks he wishes. However, he must also assume the consequences of those risks. Therefore, you will no longer treat him as a dependent child. All his expenses are just that–his! If he wants a car, apartment, food, education or illegal drugs, he’ll have to earn money, learn to budget it and then acquire those things on his own.
And you, Mom and Dad, have to have the courage to let him find his own way.
Q–My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. Last year he asked me about my past–if I had slept with my ex-boyfriend. I hesitated, then told him yes. He became very upset and didn’t let it go for months. As a result, I decided not to tell him I had slept with two other men.
Six months ago he found out about the other men by reading my journals. He is very upset and, as a result, has not given me the engagement ring he bought.
I realize what I did was very wrong and I regret it. I was young and stupid when all that happened and was going through a very rough time.
My friends and family are constantly asking us when we’re going to be engaged. My family is very old-fashioned and has ordered me to give him an ultimatum: Either he gives me the ring or I break up with him. I can’t tell them that I am to blame, because it would destroy them.
Please help. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, but I feel I’m going to have to choose between him and my family.–Kansas City, Kan.
A–Relationships don’t survive primarily on feelings of love; mood, health and circumstance make passions ebb and flow. Relationships survive primarily on mutual respect, trust and commitment.
When, regardless of reasons or excuses, you lie to a partner in order to avoid confrontation or risk rejection, you diminish the possibility of intimacy.
What is the point of marrying someone who cannot accept your growth as a person? How could you ever believe that you were truly loved when you felt you had to hide parts of yourself, lest you be rejected?
It also seems odd to me that as you and your boyfriend got closer to engagement, he suddenly wanted to know about your sexual past. That behavior makes me wonder if he was looking for an “out.” Wanting to know if you were a virgin is one thing; wanting a scorecard is another.
You’ve changed, so stop feeling dirty and undesirable.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
