Dan Perreten, 33, who just stepped down as managing editor of the Windy City Times, Chicago’s gay news weekly, has been writing controversial columns exploring morality and sexual ethics.
Aimed at the gay males who frequent bars, bath houses and adult bookstores, Perreten’s columns have suggested that a more lasting happiness may be found in less transient relationships.
He recently left the paper to pursue a graduate degree in ethics at the University of Chicago Divinity School.
Q: You have written, “For reasons of health, morality and self-fulfillment, gay men need to become less promiscuous and more relationship-oriented . . . fortunately, a movement is building to alter the way gay men construct their sex lives.”
That doesn’t sound so unreasonable. Why the big fuss?
A: People seem to respond in two ways. One side says, “Shut up; you’re talking about oppression, you’re telling people what to do and you’re insisting on a very restrictive monogamous model,” which I’m not. What I think I’m talking about is valuing relationships and valuing love.
The other group says, “I’ve thought this for years and I’ve always felt too afraid to say it. To see it in print in a gay newspaper is thrilling.”
Q: Do those who practice casual sex really enjoy what they’re doing, or do you think something else is at play?
A: In the gay male sexual culture, we’ve promoted the idea that sex should be separate from love, but that is not how most human beings work. There is a deep connection between sex and love.
We also have reacted so strongly against straight society’s message that we are “bad” because of who we are. We have gone to the extreme of saying that anything goes. And any talk of self-restraint, of ethics and morality in the sexual realm, tends to get equated with oppression.
Q: So in this climate, “morality” is a loaded word?
A: We are terrified of talking about morality because the Religious Right has given it such a bad name, particularly in the gay community, because that word has been used against us. We are immoral, according to those folks. But morality’s a valuable word and it’s something we have to talk about. It’s time to label it and bring that word out of the closet.
Q: What sparked your interest in writing about the benefits of relationships?
A: We started having a talk around the office about the hedonism and the prevalence of recreational sex–I think it’s the unfortunate stereotype of the gay male community. There are many, many gay men who are uncomfortable with how much the gay male culture focuses on quick and easy casual sex.
Q: Why do the men you speak to in your column have such a difficult time forming lasting relationships?
A: All of America is waking up with a hangover from the party that was the sexual revolution. After the 1960s, both gays and straights went too far in disconnecting sex from love.
One difficulty is we’re men, and whether it’s culturally determined or biologically determined, men tend to be more promiscuous than women, straight or gay.
Secondly, we are told from day one that our attraction to other men is a bad thing. So, many of us have unhealthy attitudes about our sex lives and have difficulty forming attachments.
Thirdly, many of our institutions are geared toward supporting anonymous and casual encounters. We’ve got 900-numbers, bathhouses, bars and (adult) bookstores. But there is very little in the gay community that supports long-term relationships and commitment.
Q: How would promiscuous men benefit from longer-term relationships?
A: A lot of them would be much happier. Many, many people are looking for a relationship and don’t know how to go about finding one.
I know so many middle-age gay men who are attractive, successful, interesting people but have never been able to meet up and pair with somebody. That saddens me. There’s this huge range of human experience that they haven’t had.
Q: In your columns, you have said relationships are hard for some gay men because role models of such relationships are rare. Yet there are many gay men in committed relationships. Why are they invisible?
A: Many gay men get into couples and then they leave the gay neighborhood because the neighborhood is so focused on the singles scene. They leave–some go to Oak Park or Evanston–and when they’ve been together for years, some start adopting kids or buy a house, and then they have more in common with heterosexual couples than they do with the bar bunnies down here on Halsted Street.
Q: So what do you suggest men do if they want a relationship?
A: They should avoid the places that are geared toward casual sex. I advise them to get involved in non-bar things. The gay community is a mature community and we have plenty of other activities, like sports leagues, religious institutions, political activism and volunteering with AIDS organizations. These allow people to meet on a human level. Real relationships can develop from those kinds of interactions. I also suggest they get to know each other before they have sex.
Q: What approach have you found works best in suggesting such changes?
A: One metaphor I use is the intimacy ladder. Folks who go to bathhouses and have anonymous sex are at the bottom rung and those in committed relationships are at the top. I’ve tried to approach it in a way that says: Wherever you are on the ladder is OK, but if you want to move up, if you want to develop a relationship, let’s start talking about how to do that.
Q: How much of what you advise have you learned firsthand? And is it awkward dispensing relationship pointers?
A: I’ve learned a fair amount firsthand and a fair amount I’ve learned talking to friends. I don’t want to set myself up as a relationship maven who has all the answers. I don’t have all the answers. I did have a successful seven-year relationship when I was in my 20s.
The important thing for the community is to keep dialogue going on the importance of relationships. There needs to be a regular place for gay men to talk about love and dating.
Q: How did you and your partner stay together for seven years? He died, correct?
A: Yes, he died three years ago of a heart attack. We had a lot in common and were committed to each other. We struggled and we had our arguments, but the last two years, we were like giddy little kids, as madly in love as when we met. That’s the thing I want for everybody.
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An edited transcript
