You know that political correctness in the movies has gotten out of hand when even a dyed-in-the-wool barbarian is too busy being sexually open-minded and socially democratic to find the valuable time for ravishing, pillaging, murdering and destroying. After all, isn’t that what makes them barbarians? If not, they should retitle this movie “Kull the Negotiator,” “Kull the Peacemaker” or even “Kull, You Slay Me.”
Based on a 1930s string of pulp novels by Robert E. Howard (who was writing “Conan the Barbarian” at the same time for a rival publishing house), the story of “Kull the Conqueror” comes late in the series, once we have seen how Kull has developed into the supposed hard guy that he is.
Which means that the movie “Kull the Conqueror” starts very quickly, like an 18-wheeler jerking into gear, so it may take a while for uninitiated audience members to catch up.
The adventure takes place in the mythical land of Valusia, which is ruled by the powerful, though slightly psychotic, King Borna (Sven Ole Thorsen). Realizing that the job market for barbarians is slim and getting slimmer, the film opens with Kull auditioning for a job as one of the king’s bodyguards. But despite his obvious acumen with an ax, he is rejected for the job by the king’s smarmy commander, Taligaro (Thomas Ian Griffith), who mocks Kull’s lack of royal blood.
Speaking of blood, the whole gang is quickly summoned to the palace, where King Borna, in the midst of a psychotic episode, has started slaughtering his heirs, one by one. Kull tries to prevent the king from doing further harm, but being a barbarian by nature, he ends up killing him instead. But that’s OK, because with his dying breath, King Borna declares that Killer Kull should now assume the crown (which is kosher, according to Valusian law).
Needless to say, the royals are none too happy that a slug like Kull is now perched on the throne, and before you can say “Uneasy lies the head,” they have started plotting a way to knock him off.
Meanwhile, the restless Kull has started making goo-goo eyes at the lovely slave-girl Zareta (Karina Lombard), whose only flaw seems to be her tedious ability to foretell the future (which, in Valusia, always seems to be bad). She is aided in her quest for righteousness by her priest brother, Ascalante (Litefoot), who, being a religious type, doesn’t mind beating people up as long as he doesn’t kill them.
After a few lame attempts at Kull’s life have failed, the bad guys go for broke and conjure up the spirit of Akivasha, a 3,000-year-old monster who epitomizes evil, placing her in the voluptuous body of Tia Carrere. Kull is smitten and quickly marries Akivasha, who also tries to off the good-hearted hunk in their wedding bed.
When she also fails, revealing her true self in the process, Kull is forced to travel many miles with Zareta and Ascalante to seek out the “Breath of Valka”, which is the only power on Earth that can destroy the evil Akivasha.
Kull is played with beefcake bravado by Kevin Sorbo, known to television audiences as the long-locked title hero of the syndicated show “Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.” He is an amiable enough actor who could comfortably play a divorced barbarian dad with a couple of teenage daughters on a Fox sitcom. But he lacks the necessary grrrr! that any convincing barbarian needs. The same goes for his arch-enemy, Taligaro, who looks and acts more like an angry kid in competition for the quarterback position on a high-school football team.
The supporting players bring more to the table, especially Carrere as the hot-to-trot man-eater and Lombard as the virginal seer. Also amusing, in a small role, is Harvey Fierstein as Juba, a conniving black-market trader who is quick to double-cross his good buddy, Kull, once the going gets tough.
There’s nothing especially heinous about “Kull the Conqueror.” The costumes and sets look good, the special effects are impressive and the swelling music moves us along nicely.
What it lacks, however, is the emotional breadth and grandeur that those sword-and-sandal movies of the 1950s and 1960s contained in spades, at one-fiftieth of the budget. Even today, decades later, I can still remember the warrior skeletons from “Jason and the Argonauts” or the sea battles from “The Colossus of Rhodes.” A week after seeing “Kull the Conqueror” I had trouble remembering any of the major villains, except for the human ice machine at the very end. (That’s right, the “Breath of Valka.”)
Perhaps the fear of offending folks has made filmmakers shy about pulling the action trigger, forcing them to replace hard-core barbarism with tongue-in-cheek humor. If so, they should leave the barbarians to the comic books. There, at least, it’s still OK to run a guy through, chortling nastily as you display his impaled heart on the tip of your broadsword.
”KULL THE CONQUEROR”
(star) (star)
Directed by John Nicolella; written by Charles Edward Pogue; based on the worlds and characters created by Robert E. Howard; photographed by Rodney Charters; production designed by Benjamin Fernandez; special effects supervised by Kit West; visual effects supervised by Richard Malzahn. A Universal Pictures release; opens Friday. Running time: 1:46. MPAA rating: PG-13. Some violence and sexuality.
THE CAST
Kull …………………….. Kevin Sorbo
Akivasha …………………. Tia Carrere
Taligaro …………………. Thomas Ian Griffith
Ascalante ………………… Litefoot
Tu ………………………. Roy Brocksmith
Juba …………………….. Harvey Fierstein
Zareta …………………… Karina Lombard
