Dear Dr. Laura: I have a friend who is having an affair. She is married and so is her lover.
This friend constantly complains about all that her husband does not do, so she feels justified to sleep with this other guy. I am seeing a side of her that is a real turnoff.
I personally feel this behavior is unacceptable. I am having a hard time continuing the friendship, but she is really my only close friend at the moment.
I know her husband, and he is really a nice guy. They have been married for only two years, and I feel that she is not giving her marriage a chance.
This person belittles her husband in front of me, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. This is as humiliating for me to watch as it must be for him to endure.
This person really believes that because her marriage is not the fantasy she thought it would be that she is justified in any selfish behavior.
I am convinced that she is not a person with whom I want to be further associated. How do I break off the friendship without insulting her? — Detroit
A — Way back in the beginning of your question you suggested that there would be a vacancy in the close-friend department if you gave her up. Some part of your hesitancy to jettison her from your life is perhaps anchored in your concern about not having a friend around anymore.
Additionally, I think it has become all too sadly typical for the “good guys” to feel bad about calling bad behavior what it is: bad!
If this woman humiliates her husband in front of others, rationalizes breaking her sacred marital vows and participates in the destruction of another woman’s marriage, then she is not an individual of admirable character, nor one you could really ever count upon unless it served her –right?
I believe you should tell her the truth: Based upon her treatment of others and her system of values, you no longer feel a oneness or compatibility with her. Therefore, you don’t wish to spend time together any longer.
She will either have an epiphany, which will force her to face her ugly inner realities, or she will turn on you and say you are insensitive, judgmental, disloyal and stupid. When she gets to the stupid part, politely excuse yourself and leave.
Q — My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about a year, and his mother hates me. During holidays or family events, my boyfriend is told to not bring me. The rest of his family think I’m just fine and invite me.
Last Christmas, for example, his aunt invited me over for Christmas day, but his mother complained so much that I was uninvited.
While I have often had very bad feelings for my boyfriend’s mother, I have never behaved in a way that would substantiate her feelings for me. At this point we are talking about getting married. If we do become engaged, should we sit down and talk to his mother about this, or should I be gracious and pretend that nothing has happened? — Madison, Wis.
A — If I am to believe your presentation, nothing has happened to create this destructive situation — which probably will not instantly transform into the Walton family if you marry your boyfriend.
While I suppose that it is possible that his mother is simply unbalanced, it is more likely that there is more to the story. If she is unbalanced (irrational and unreasonable), you may want to think twice before marrying into a situation which will not bring love, warmth or the bonding of a grandmother to your children. If you haven’t been completely honest about your contribution to this problem, now is the time to do just that.
Perhaps you and she could ask the minister of your church to help mediate the discussions.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
