Dear Dr. Laura: During a physical exam, a medical doctor touched me inappropriately. (I have lupus and had been directed by an insurance company to have a medical evaluation by this doctor, whom I had never seen before.)
Regrettably, I remained silent when it occurred, though I was shocked.
Later, I realized that doing nothing would be easy but helpful to no one, including myself. No doubt more women would fall prey to this doctor’s advances.
You talk all the time about courage and conscience in taking care of situations. I chose to do what was right and take responsibility for my moral obligation to other women. The day after the appointment I wrote a letter to the doctor, the grievance committee of the local medical society, the insurance company and the state insurance commissioner. I am prepared to follow through on any requests these parties may have for me and to accept any consequences.
Through listening to you, I have contemplated many decisions I’ve made over my 50 years of life. Some were morally wrong, and my spiritual life has matured as I have taken responsibility for these wrong decisions. I proceed with my next 50 years committed to doing what is right. — Seattle
A — It is impressive how a sense of moral obligation to others motivates us to a level of courageous action that we might not generate for ourselves.
By “fighting” for the other women who may be harmed by this doctor, you elevate your character. By elevating your character, you increase your self-respect. By increasing your self-respect, you become even stronger to stand between evil and the innocent. By standing between evil and the innocent, you bring more peace and beauty to the world and meaning to your life. Bless you and your journey.
Q — I am a never-married man dating a never-married woman. We’re both in our 30s and are Christians. We agree on definite moral boundaries (no sex before marriage, no sleep-overs, talking as a priority over touching, etc.) and are sticking to them. We’ve been dating for two months after almost a year of friendship.
First question: What, in your opinion, is a healthy amount of time for a courtship leading to engagement and marriage?
Second question: Do you believe it is necessary, important or valuable to discuss our past sexual histories?
I am a virgin, but I don’t know about her. Part of me doesn’t want to know. What do you think? — Address withheld
A — First, in my never-humble opinion, courtship, including engagement, is best served over a period of two years. That is a fair amount of time to develop mutual awe, respect, synergy and compassion out of initial fantasy, infatuation and sexual tension.
Secondly, your discomfort about knowing her sexual history is understandable. Since you are a virgin, there is likely to be some lack of confidence about how good a lover you’ll be and how she might know that through a comparison with men from her past.
You must remember that you are not in training for an athletic event–you are moving toward a committed loving relationship. What you need to learn about the “technical aspects” you can learn from reading appropriate marital sex materials and from “on-the-job training” once you are married.
Past histories are important when there is some possibility of the past being part of the future. For example, multiple abortions or certain sexually transmitted diseases might impact future childbearing. Also, sexual traumas might impact a person’s ability to engage in healthy intimacy and sexuality.
Since this type of history is always part of the person’s life, it must be disclosed. Otherwise, how we got to Rome should be less important than the fact that we got there and plan to stay.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
