Home sweet home? Not for one DuPage County woman in her golden years, and not for many others. “I felt like a POW in my own home,” said Helen (not her real name), a 66-year-old mother and grandmother.
Earlier this year, Helen lost $90,000 and even access to her own kitchen. Making matters worse, the trouble came from an unlikely source: her own family.
Stories of exploitation at the hands of adult children are not new, but they are beginning to fill the case loads of area social workers. About 40 families with similar problems currently receive assistance through Metropolitan Family Services, DuPage, a Wheaton agency that addresses the issues of aging.
Redirecting frustrated parents and their irresponsible offspring is one solution social workers say may avoid continued abuse–and the health-related problems that can result for the parents. On Tuesday, an unusual partnership will be launched at Elmhurst City Hall that brings together social workers schooled in seniors’ issues and TOUGHLOVE, a program aimed at rebellious teens.
Combining forces made sense to program organizers Karen Granat and Mimi Williams. “Many of the problems that parents of adult children may be dealing with are not that different from what the parents of teenagers see,” explained Granat, Midwest regional director of TOUGHLOVE. “I work with young people who are no longer in school but who still may be at home with no motivation to get a job, still sponging off their parents, still underfoot. It’s the same concept, just a different generation.”
The problems are not to be confused with healthy interdependence. “It’s not that borrowing money from your parents or living at home or asking them to help with babysitting are bad,” stressed Williams, clinical social worker for Metropolitan Family Services, DuPage. “The problem comes in when — to put it crudely — we ask the question, `Is it mooching, or is it mutually beneficial?’ “
The first few requests for help may be reasonable, but they can grow unfair over time.
“Sometimes the parents don’t realize they’re on that slippery slope,” Williams said, adding that an outside observer may notice inequity before those involved do. “We may see that the parent is actually in a clinical depression. Assertiveness is the first thing to go, and the parents are no longer very good at standing up for themselves.”
Dozens of other complications can exacerbate the situation. Parents have difficulty saying no because they don’t want to criticize their sons and daughters. Or they continue to lend money, realizing it will never be returned. Often the parents blame themselves for their child’s lack of ambition and feel they should make up for it with financial and other help, even if it becomes a burden for Mom and Dad.
Parents may consistently bail a child out of jail or feel sorry for their child after a divorce or job loss and attempt to get that child back on his or her feet. In some instances, the child may be the senior’s only companion, and, fearing loneliness, the parent simply complies with unreasonable demands. Weeks, months and years may pass with no relief.
Results can be draining, mentally and physically, on the aging parent. Headaches, ulcers, gastro-esophageal reflux disease, elevated blood pressure and other stress-related symptoms begin to surface. “When people are in a situation that is inherently unfair, Williams said, “they start feeling it in their gut, their back or in their neck . . . that something’s not right, even if they can’t articulate exactly what it is.”
Times have changed from a generation or two ago. Today, TV guests blab about problems that were far from acceptable topics before. “Then you made excuses, you took care of your kids no matter what,” Granat said. “You were the parent; that was your job, and you kept things within the family. But that’s changed. Yes, there are other people dealing with the same problems you have.”
While no parents are perfect, some children, including these 30-, 40- and 50-year-old children, focus on their parents’ failures and take advantage of the guilt they feel.
In Illinois, the term “elder abuse” legally covers financial exploitation; emotional, physical or sexual abuse; or neglect. And Mary Lee Tomsa, assistant administrator for the DuPage County Human Services senior program in Wheaton, sees the aftermath when abuse is reported.
“In a large number of our elder abuse cases, there’s an adult child living back at home with their mother, who’s widowed, over 75,” Tomsa said, noting that many of the children have substance-abuse problems, a developmental disability or mental illness. “We’re working with them to minimize the risk of abuse occurring again. That takes counseling, and that’s where Family Services gets involved.”
Helen hopes to minimize the risk for others as well, as she tries to recoup some of the $90,000 she lost earlier this year. “It was like a nightmare to me,” she said.
When Helen agreed to pool resources with her daughter and son-in-law and buy a house where all of them would live, the deal seemed like a win-win proposition. But without her knowledge, Helen’s down payment had gone to pay off her son-in-law’s debts. Soon, the young couple asked Helen for thousands more and $300 in monthly rent.
Next, changes were made in the interior of the house. Construction of a new wall between Helen’s bedroom and the kitchen blocked her passage into the kitchen, forcing her to prepare food in her bathroom. Within weeks, Helen’s health declined, and she was hospitalized. Eventually she contacted Family Services for shelter and counseling.
“Now I’m in an apartment subsidized by the government,” she said recently, resigned to her new situation. “I didn’t dream I’d retire just to live under these conditions.”
Helen’s hard lesson? She says today, “Don’t give your kids any money, just love and understanding.”
Williams and Granat hope to spare other families the same heartbreak. Setting limits, drawing lines and building mutual respect between generations, they say, may offer the best prevention.
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TOUGHLOVE for Older Parents, a free seminar for parents concerned about their adult children’s demands, will be held at 1 p.m. Tuesday at Elmhurst City Hall, 209 N. York Rd. Call 630-833-1353 for details.
