The revised TV parental guidelines went into effect last week, helpfully adding D (suggestive dialogue), L (language), S (sex), V (violence) and FV (fantasy violence, used with kids’ programs) to the alphabet soup of warnings already in use.
Those, to refresh your memory, are: TVY (acceptable for all children), TVY7 (age 7 and older), TVG (general audience), TVPG (parental guidance), TV14 (age 14 and older) and TVMA (mature audience).
Some networks adopted the new content descriptors with the new TV season, even before the official Oct. 1 start date. Thus the Sept. 22 premiere of “Brooklyn South,” the new Steven Bochco cop drama series on CBS, carried every possible warning. Its “TVMA-D-L-S-V” banner was both an enticement to viewers in keeping with the show’s lurid ad campaign and a decent, if illegal, Scrabble hand.
But NBC, alone among the six networks, is holding out against adding the new letters, prompting threats from the concerned television watchers in Congress. The nation’s most popular TV programmer is unmoved, saying it will warn viewers about a show’s content only when it deems it necessary. The network contends the current plan is — if you can imagine it — confusing.
NBC is right to object to the new guidelines, but it is doing so for the wrong reasons. They actually don’t go far enough in helping parents. I therefore propose the following, ultimate set of warnings to help people make truly informed viewing choices:
TVBB: Children, especially boys, will want to watch this program, but some parents will find that it may poke an eye out.
TVBS: This program contains one or more of the following: mention, pictures or the actual presence of Brooke Shields.
TVBVD: Depicts a man in unflattering undergarments. Parents are urged to exercise greater care in monitoring this program.
TVBVD7: Depicts 7 men in unflattering undergarments. Parents who let children watch this program may receive a call from a state child-protection agency.
TVCPA: This program presents accountants in a positive light. Possibly an awards show.
TVEEE: Program shot in new, extra wide format. Not for all viewers.
TVEEOC: Entire program free of sexual innuendo. Will not come in on Mitsubishi sets.
TVELP: This program contains a long keyboard solo. Not suitable for viewing if your stash is depleted.
TVFOB: May contain video shot at White House fundraising events.
TV42: This program is specifically designed for insufferable Baby Boomers. Sponsored by a minivan and a mutual fund, it is about the idealism of the ’60s.
TVGED: Program intellectually suitable for viewing while accomplishing two, possibly three other tasks.
TVLLBEAN: At least two of the characters will be wearing dowdy yet rugged clothing.
TVLP: Program may make reference to obsolete technology. Do not tape this program. You will never watch it again, yet you won’t be able to bear to throw it out either.
TVMGD: This show is live on tape, like draft beer in a bottle.
TVME: Special earnestness alert. Jack Klugman is in this program.
TVMF: Program contains euphemisms for rough language.
TVPBS: This program will try to coax money out of you by such methods as John Tesh music and upscale faith healers.
TVPGA: This program may have hypnotic influence on men, especially men in loud pants on weekend afternoons.
TVQEII: Exercise extreme caution. Possible “Love Boat” reunion show.
TVRC: This contains product placement, but for a discount product.
TVRCMP: Program depicts scenes of Canadian life.
TVRDRR: This show is really, really funny. Get it?
TVRIP: Before it’s over, the lead character will be in a casket. Probably a disease-of-the-week movie.
TVSOB: David Caruso is in this. Directors and executive producers may want to watch with their therapists.
TVTVA: Program contains scenes of men and women malingering while in the employ of massive public-works projects. Republican parents are cautioned against letting children under 14 watch unattended.
TVUPN: This program is characterized by lame jokes, a shrieking laugh track and, quite possibly, Andrew Dice Clay. May prove debilitating to people with senses of humor.
TVU2: This show takes itself way too seriously, then tries to claim it is a lampoon of shows that take themselves too seriously.
TVVPL: Characters in this program are wearing blue jeans two sizes too small.
TVV8: We’re not sure what, exactly, is in this program. And it’s not very good either.
TVVD: Program has scenes of characters having unprotected sex with rock star or actor.
TVXRT: This program will contain a Robert Cray song, a Jethro Tull song, and probably something from “Who Are You.”
TVXXXL: Depicts graphic sexual acts between really heavy eaters.
TVZ28: Despite only a 4-cylinder engine, this program has a racing stripe and rear spoiler. It also drives in the breakdown lane during rush hour and always takes up two parking spaces at the mall. (Note: May not ever apply to an actual television show, but worth watching out for all the same.)
TVZZZ: See “TVRCMP.”
