Belinda Curtis never put away the crib linens after having her first child.
The West Kendall, Fla., mother yearned for a second baby to round out the family with her husband, Patrick, a high school teacher.
“We talked about it for a while, and we knew we didn’t want Mark Anthony to be an only child,” says Curtis, 25.
But it never seemed to be the right time. Her first pregnancy had come unexpectedly, while she was still in college. And because they had decided she would stay home from work until the children were in school, the Curtises understood that having another child would mean more financial sacrifice.
But Curtis knew she didn’t want to wait too long, either. So finally, last year, after much discussion, she became pregnant. Three months ago, the Curtises welcomed baby Alyssa.
The decision to have a second–or third– child is never easy. Adding a baby invariably changes the way a household operates– financially, emotionally and physically. Costs of rearing a child continue to rise, particularly if a family has to purchase a bigger car or house to accommodate the addition.
The logistics of caring for two children– taking them to day care when they’re young, arranging after-school activities when they’re older–is predictably more difficult than with just one child.
Having a second child can prove to be incredibly time-consuming. “I really have to divide myself now,” Curtis says in classic understatement.
Not that long ago, the question of how many children to have was often left to nature. Birth control was almost nonexistent, and the expectations of society were that most couples did not seriously entertain spacing out their children, or stopping at one.
Today, says Louise Dietzel, a Vermont clinical psychologist and author of “Parenting with Respect and Peacefulness: The Most Difficult Job in the World,” “We are more aware, as parents, that we have choices, that we can be more in control of our lives and destiny.”
That control means that couples anguish more than their parents and grandparents did about when to have baby No. 2.
Take the Lipners of Belle Meade. Son Scott is 3, and his mother, Shari, 30, “is emotionally and mentally ready for another child.” And the grandparents would love for them to have a girl. But Art Lipner worries about how they can afford a second child just now. He started a business in March.
“We’re still working out of debt,” Shari Lipner says, “and we know another baby will be a strain.”
The financial burden of having another child is the top concern of many couples considering a larger family. Juan Cabrera, a photographer for Miami-Dade Community College, wasn’t particularly receptive when his wife, Odette, brought up the idea of a sibling for daughter Frances, now 4.
“The way I looked at it was: Can we afford another child?” says Cabrera. “At the beginning, I thought we couldn’t. Then, I realized that my parents had raised three boys with half of what I have and done a real good job.”
Odette Cabrera is now expecting a baby in February.
Money, though, is just one factor in the decision.
“Emotional energy and time away from whatever endeavors the parents are pursuing also come into play,” Dietzel says. “Parents nowadays are asking themselves more: What does having a second child mean to us? How will it affect what we want to do with our lives?”
A two-career couple, for example, might wonder about handling the added stress. Or how much of their private time would they have to give up? And would they be willing to devote less attention to their first child?
Veronica and Todd Sazera of Ft. Lauderdale asked themselves these questions and decided they will wait a while before giving their son Costello, now 9 months old, a brother or sister.
“If I were to find out I was pregnant, I’d be ecstatic,” Veronica Sazera says. “No problem. But now we really want to devote more one-on-one time to Costello. I know adding another baby will mean a lot more work, and I don’t think I’m good at balancing things.”
The Sazeras know they definitely want more children. Both come from large families–she’s the youngest of seven girls, he’s one of five children. They have close ties to their siblings and fond memories of childhood–two things they want Costello to have as well.
“For us, it’s really a matter of timing,” Veronica Sazera says. “My sisters have told me their second child was more of a life change than the first one because everything takes longer, and you have to divide your time. We want to be ready.”
For some couples, the window of time to add another child is a narrow one.
Becky and John Wyatt of Miami Shores have a 7-year-old daughter, Allison. For several years, they have discussed having another child. Then, in February, they decided to try adopting an older girl from Thailand.
If that doesn’t work, Becky Wyatt says one daughter will be fine. “I would like to have another child, but if this adoption is not meant to be, it’ll be the end for us. I don’t think we would pursue anything else. Allison is already 7, and the gap would be too big. Besides, we do make a good threesome.”
The Wyatts decided to ask for a girl between the ages of 2 and 5 because they figured a preschooler would fit in much better than a baby.
“If we had a baby, it would really curtail our lifestyle,” says Wyatt, 39. “Now we go camping, and we do a lot of things that would be very difficult to do with a baby.”
While there may never be a perfect time to add to a family, there definitely are wrong reasons to consider having a second child. Giving into a child’s pleas for a baby brother, for instance, should not play a big role in the parents’ decision, says author Dietzel. That’s hardly a reason to have a child, she says, and, besides, the older child may lose interest in her sibling and even resent him once the reality of a new baby in the house draws attention away from her.
Also, “If the marriage is not doing well, a baby will make it worse. All it does is overstress and overtax an unstable marriage.”
Dietzel suggests parents discuss these questions before deciding to have another baby:
Why do we want another child?
Are we caving into pressures from family?
Are we ready for a new round of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and other life-changing moments of infancy?
How will we handle the logistics of school, child care and work?
Do we both want the baby?
Are we willing to take time away from other interests–other children, work, hobbies–to support another child emotionally?
Are we financially prepared for the child-rearing costs? Will we need a bigger car? A bigger house?
