`I am acquiescing to this interview.”
That was the cryptic reply from the “Jack of All Trades,” a wacky guy who is the focus of a recurring story line on NBC’s Saturday night action series “Profiler.”
Jack is a criminal genius and serial killer who stalks Dr. Samantha Waters (played by Ally Walker), an FBI agent who “profiles,” or describes the motivations and methods of a criminal’s mind. They played a terrifying game of cat and mouse throughout the series’ first season.
But now, it seems that Jack has found a new mouse to toy with:
Q– Why do you enjoy tormenting Dr. Waters?
Jack– Love hurts. But it doesn’t matter what happens to you in life, only how you respond to it. I wouldn’t be wasting my time with Samantha if I didn’t think she was worth it.
Q– What’s your motivation for your reign of terror?
Jack– I do not terrorize, I teach.
Q– Nice lesson plan. What kinds of “courses” are you planning for Waters in upcoming weeks?
Jack– I could tell you. But then I’d have to. . .
Q– Yada, yada, yada. Say, aren’t you really Dennis Christopher, the actor best known as a bike-racing teenager in the movie “Breaking Away?”
Jack– I can be whomever I want to be.
Q– How many people have you killed?
Jack– I have never killed anyone. People never walk into dark alleys by accident. The next time you mow your lawn. . .
Q– We have people to do that, thank you.
Jack– . . .look into the eyes of a small animal after its death. Trust me. You’ll find one. Notice how surprised he looks. Death was the last thing on his mind.
Q– Heavy. Is there a deeper meaning to your obsession with Waters, or are you simply a love-sick little boy?
Jack– Yes.
Q– Be a little more vague, please. Say, aren’t you really Mark Hamill, the actor best known as Luke Skywalker in “Star Wars?”
Jack– I told you, I can be whomever I want to be.
Q– And we’re still not buying that, dude. So, what scares you?
Jack– That new roller coaster at Magic Mountain that goes straight up and then hangs in the air for a while, then hits 120 miles per hour going back down.
Q– Wimp.
Jack– You keep asking about murder and terror and Sam, as if one has something to do with the other. There is no cause and effect when it comes to terror and Sam’s emotional state. Terror existed before she and I met . . . in fact, before either of us was born. So I’m not responsible for terror. Thus you are mistaken when you ask about my reign of terror. There’s no such thing. That said . . . don’t reign on mine and I won’t reign on yours.
Q– Say, aren’t you Andy Dick, the actor best known as a clumsy radio reporter on NBC’s comedy “NewsRadio?”
Jack– I am whomever I want to be. Aren’t you getting tired of this game?
Q– No. What’s your favorite movie?
Jack– Favorite movie? Who do you think you’re interviewing — Sandra Bullock?
Q– No such luck. During “Profiler’s” season finale, you framed Sam for murder. What’s up with that?
Jack– I wanted her to walk a mile in my moccasins–she might as well have some fun.
Q– Moccasins, huh? Say, aren’t you really David Bowie, the strange rock star best known for the hit song “Let’s Dance?”
Jack– For the last time, I can be whomever I want to be.
Q– What is your favorite method of killing?
Jack– I don’t kill . . . unless you’d like me to start with you.
Q– Bring it on, big man. Why don’t you make like a paycheck and disappear?
Jack– You mean again?
Q– Another clue. Say, aren’t you really Joe Piscopo, the actor best known for his work on “Saturday Night Live,” who after he took up bodybuilding his career seemed to disappear?
Jack– Yeah, yeah, whoever. This is really starting to make me angry.
Q– You look beautiful when you’re angry . . . we think. This being the joyous Halloween season, what do you give little trick-or-treaters?
Jack– I always liked candy corn and gumdrops. And those Good ‘N’ Plenty — oh, and Red Hots. All tied up real pretty, in a little napkin, with a ribbon.
Q– Geeze, you are sick. We shudder to ask your description of the perfect evening.
Jack– The “Saturday Night Thrillogy”: “The Pretender,” “Sleepwalkers,” “Profiler.” Hey, what do you expect from a man of my integrity?
Q– Someone who also digs NBC’s “Must-See TV” Thursday night lineup?
Jack– Ask a serious question.
Q– Got any other plans for Halloween?
Jack– No. But Saturday is going to be a killer.
Q– Have you ever considered changing your name to “Jack-O-Lantern?”
Jack– Don’t ever call me again.
———-
“Profiler’s” second-season premiere is at 9 p.m. Saturday on WMAQ-Ch. 5.
