Wherever you turn, the accusations are there:
Today’s parents don’t measure up. They’re neglectful, permissive, self-involved–and their children bear the stigma.
One recent study by New York think tank Public Agenda reported that only 37 percent of the public believes children will make the world a better place when they’re grown. Another, by the Pew Center for The People & The Press, stated 56 percent of women think mothers are doing a worse job of mothering than their mothers did.
But wait. Who are these parents everybody is talking about? Certainly not Pembroke Pines, Fla., mother Valerie Oliveri, who participated in Gymboree, library story time hours, Kindermusic and the Preschool PTA with her daughters.
And not Sheila Ambra of North Miami, who chaperones field trips, attends school meetings and spends all her free time ferrying her four children.
Or Paula Suarez of West Kendall, Fla., who jokes: “I have no life. I’m always with my kids.”
While the national buzz in schools, parks and on the editorial pages is that parents are too distracted from the delicate business of child rearing, many 1990s parents are more involved.
Fueled by concerns about physical and emotional dangers and ever-unfolding research about child development, these parents diligently follow up on any possibility that will give their child a head start. They coach Little League, volunteer at school, attend recitals and matches, and help with science projects.
In fact, the child-rearing story of this decade might be about two extremes: parents too busy to spend time with their children and, on the other end, those who are obsessive about that role.
“You want to be involved, and it’s something we should applaud parents for doing,” said Roni Cohen Leiderman, director of The Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Broward County, Fla. “But you also want to allow your child to take the lead. You don’t want to be intrusive.” Studies back up the notion that many parents are at least as involved as in years past.
According to time-use researcher John P. Robinson of the University of Maryland, parents of today spend as much time with their kids as parents of a generation ago–and perhaps more because there are now fewer children in a family.
His studies show that mothers spend about nine hours a week and fathers between two and three hours a week in primary care of kids. Those numbers have been constant since the 1960s. So have the hours, four to five, parents spend with their children doing other activities such as shopping or watching television.
Other child-development experts, from school psychologists to educators, report anecdotal evidence of parents, mostly affluent and well-educated themselves, who spare nothing to ensure their children’s success.
In their pursuit of perfection, some might carry their parental interest too far. In some cases, involvement becomes intrusion, help turns into rescue. In hyperparenting, every event becomes an opportunity for a teachable moment, every new report about the way children learn a reason to invest time and money in lessons or educational games. The result is often an overscheduled child with little time for play.
Leiderman and other child psychologists say some parents’ reactions can be attributed to the growing research on how an infant’s brain develops in the years between birth and age 3. Armed with “scientific proof,” they try too hard to do what should come naturally and without structure.
“There’s a general feeling among some parents that they’ll do anything to give their children an edge,” said Dr. Kevin J. O’Keefe, a psychologist for the Miami-Dade County public schools. “They start them in classes very young and continue with any and every activity. We’re the first generation to do this in a very business-like way.”
As their children get older, some parents step back, but others step up their efforts, worried that any time off from their mission might mean their kids will fall behind.
“Sometimes you want to push your kid to be a superkid,” Suarez admitted. “There’s so much competition out there now. If a child tries out for any sport at 12, it’s often a lot harder for him because everyone else has been practicing since they were four or five.”
Though Suarez says she must often remind herself to slow down, take it easy, stay calm, she also asks herself: Am I doing everything I can? Will something I fail to do eventually hurt them? Slowly she has learned to give herself credit for healthy, happy kids.
