DEAR DR. LAURA — I’ve heard the phrase, “Do what you love, the money will follow.” I can also hear the wolves at my door. Though I’m an outstanding musician and writer/composer, I haven’t been able to keep up with the bills. I’ve been wondering if I might be happier as an employee behind a computer, not having to hustle for the next gig. I could play music for fun on weekends, and my schedule would be more appropriate for a 36-year-old man with a wife and two daughters, 5 and 9.
Have you known someone to switch from a career that is their passion, for one with more stability and predictability? Did they give a sigh of relief after realizing that a weight had been lifted from their shoulders, or did they scream, “Why am I boring myself learning a whole new skill when I was already so good at something?” You’ve said on your show that we’re all meant to do something beautiful in this world, and I know that something for me is music. Sparks, Nev.
A — You’ve brought up some interesting points, starting with the balance between our personal passions and our responsibilities. Your first responsibility, following your decision to marry and bring forth children, is the welfare of that family. If you can’t keep up with the bills, you must find a job with a secure base pay to protect and provide for that family.
However, it is very possible to find work within the music industry that puts you in a position to support your family and have the opportunity to present your creative side. And sometimes, we think we know what our important contribution to the world is, only to find out, sometimes accidentally, that it is something else entirely.
Q — My 64-year-old father and 67-year-old mother recently divorced after 35 years of marriage. My father moved here from Florida to be closer to me and my daughter. Last January Dad started a relationship with a younger woman, 54, he met at a bowling alley. He quickly moved her into his one-bedroom apartment and then, this past summer, bought a house for them to live in.
My problem is that he used to spend a lot of time with my daughter, his only grandchild. Now that this woman is in his life, he does not call me or my daughter, pick her up after school or do anything special with her anymore. My daughter has asked me about this relationship (she is 7), and I have explained that Grandpa has a “special friend” and is busy with his new house. I am running out of excuses. He missed her birthday and Halloween trick-or-treating because my mother had come to town and I asked him to not bring his girlfriend. He doesn’t feel he has done anything wrong and expects me to embrace this woman. I don’t know how to get past my feelings of betrayal and help my daughter. Lawrenceville, Ga.
A — It would appear that your dad’s needs are well served by his “honey”, and when that is the case, other considerations, like the needs of others, become less important to him. Perhaps, in terms your daughter can understand, you need to explain, “While it is good to have close friends, see the pain that is caused when you neglect other people close to you?”
This is a lesson well learned, especially for little girls who tend, much more than boys, to form small units and exclude others. Tell her also that nobody can always have all they want from somebody else because other folks have their own lives, so that when she and grandpa are together, she is to squeeze as much precious joy out of that time as possible. Work with your dad to see if you two can come to some agreement about a weekly special-visit time.
———-
Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
