Four summers ago, when my son Hayes was 6 and his brother Vince barely 4, their father passed away. Lucky for me, not long afterward, I met Robb, a sweet divorced dad with two daughters, Katie and Julia, and we embarked on a post-Brady Bunch family dating relationship that was pretty wonderful for all concerned. Even our break-up this past February was amazingly pleasant: nothing hurtful had happened between us; we both just knew it was time.
Though I’d been widowed for four years, this is when I became a truly single mother — and I was terrified. The intricacies of meeting men, dating and making decisions about sex seemed overwhelming. Furthermore, I knew from my other single mom friends that these issues were the simple stuff, compared to the tricky navigation that takes place around the children.
My friend Cindy has been divorced for four years. (In fact, she’s divorced from Robb, the ex-boyfriend I just mentioned — isn’t this a very modern world we live in?) Through the entire time, she has intentionally avoided introducing Katie and Julia to the men she’s dated. Why? “Because I would only want them to meet someone I’d been seeing for a while, someone I was quite certain was serious and here to stay,” she explains. “I don’t want them to perceive that there’s a revolving door on my love life. And I certainly don’t want them to get attached to someone who’s going to disappear. Kids fixate so quickly — you have to be careful.”
The one time she broke her rule, she lived to regret it. There was an out-of-town prospect — actually, someone she’d met on the Internet, whom she’d visited in his town a few times — and despite her careful planning, he ended up visiting her on a weekend when she had her daughters. (She’d thought it was Robb’s weekend for custody.) She tried to put him off, but when he said, “What’s the matter? I’m not good enough to meet your kids?,” she weakened.
“He brought presents for the girls — a harmonica for Julia, a book for Katie, and of course they adored him,” she remembers ruefully. “And guess what, that was our last date. He disappeared, and I had to listen to `Where’s Daniel?’ for the next six months.”
Believe me, I know about kids and attachment. I would have to say one of the saddest and most difficult parts of my break-up with Robb was the change in my relationship with his older daughter Katie. We had grown very, very close, and I know it has been heartbreaking for her to accept my drastically reduced role in her life. After four years as one of the most important grown-ups in her life, I am now just her father’s ex-girlfriend. I don’t even get part-time custody. Of course I will make a point to spend time with her and her sister, and hopefully Robb will take the boys for a round of golf from time to time.
But it will never be the same.
And this is not something I want to put my kids through again and again. So I understand exactly where Cindy, and my sister Nancy, who waited three months before introducing her new beau to her children, are coming from. The scary truth is this: Ultimately, you are not just looking for a boyfriend, you are auditioning stepfathers. You are looking for someone you and your children can love. And who can love them back — a challenge indeed. It feels optimistic even to hope for it, at this age and stage in life. If the guy doesn’t have kids, he probably doesn’t want them. If he already has some of his own, at least he’s amenable to kid activities and family fun. But it also may mean that his parenting desires are fulfilled. How many more does he need?
My friend Carol has been a single mother since her older son was in elementary school and her twins were less than a year old. She has lots of advice for men who want to date women like us. “Tell them never, never try to cut the mom out of the larger picture so you can have her all to yourself.
“Respect her connection with her children and the time she needs to give to it.
“Do not try to downplay their importance in her life, and know that if they’re not going to be important in yours, then forget the whole thing.
“Second, remember that every date she makes requires a baby-sitter. Which means she’s paying extra no matter what you pay for. Also, she has to find the baby-sitter, secure the sitter’s services, include the addendum that if an emergency happens she’ll have to go straight home, and schedule everything around when the sitter can come. Ain’t nothing casual about a date here. Spontaneity–no way!”
The more I hear about all this, the more forbidding it sounds. Which is probably part of the reason that I think I’ve fallen in love with a guy (another divorced dad!) who lives 2,000 miles away. Believe me, this man is as fine as fine can be, but I’m not denying that watching my single mom friends thread their way through the intricate labyrinth of dating might have influenced me to choose long-distance passion. But e-mails and phone calls will only take us so far, and soon we’ll have to decide if we are really going to be part of each others’ lives.
There is so much involved when single parents get together. He has two kids; I have two kids — nine new one-on-one relationships. What if they don’t work out? What if they do? Which is scarier?
I tell you, I’m not sure.
