NAME: Maurice J. Elias
BACKGROUND: “This book picks up where Daniel Goleman’s `Emotional Intelligence’ left off,” says Elias of the new book he co-authored, “Emotionally Intelligent Parenting — How to Raise a Self-Disciplined, Responsible, Socially Skilled Child” (Harmony Books, $22). Elias, Steven E. Tobias and Brian S. Friedlander apply Goleman’s five EQ (emotional intelligence) principles to parenting, then offer tricks for implementing them. A psychology professor at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey, Elias has written several books for parents and educators. He lives in New Jersey with his wife, Ellen, and their daughters, Sara and Samara.
Q. What are the five EQ principles, and how do they apply to parenting?
A. 1. Be aware of one’s own feelings and those of others. 2. Show empathy and understand others’ points of view. 3. Regulate and cope positively with emotional and behavioral impulses. 4. Be positive goal- and plan-oriented. 5. Use positive social skills in handling relationships. As parents, we put too much emphasis on our kids’ IQ and academic skills, trying to make them smarter and smarter. We lose touch with their EQ — what makes them human. The result is children who get good grades and get into good colleges but can’t cope with college life. Or they are unable to advance on the job because they lack social skills. The workplace stars aren’t the brightest. They are those with a combination of IQ and EQ.
Q. How did we lose this balance?
A. A combination of things. The kids are being bombarded with information, unfiltered by adults, more so than ever before in history. . . . We’re so busy rushing from one activity to another, trying to figure out how to fit everything into the day, there’s no time to think about what we’ve just done.
Q. Explain your parenting golden rule, “Do unto your children as you would have other people do unto them.”
A. In our haste, we treat our children in ways we wouldn’t tolerate from other people. We assume they know we’re doing it out of love, but they don’t always. Research shows our emotional brains have a memory system that’s slower to change than our intellectual memory system. So when we say something hurtful to our children, they remember it longer than they remember the state capitals.
Q. How can we restore the IQ/EQ balance?
A. Don’t limit your family conversations to tasks: Did you do your homework? Did you practice piano? Are you ready for the soccer game? Try to make family time less stressful, more peaceful, more caring. Use things like family journals and bulletin boards to share family goals and set priorities. Kids just see the busyness. They need to understand what the family is working toward. And parents need to ignore the pressure to involve the kids in every activity that may give them an advantage in the future. Sometimes, when we articulate why we are doing what we’re doing, we question ourselves: Why am I going to this meeting? And remember to make laughter part of your family life. We think this is so important, we included knock-knock jokes in Chapter Two. Humor isn’t frivolous. It builds ties with your children, boosts the immune system and shows your children that you’re more than a taskmaster. Too often, families are humorless, and parents reserve this side of themselves for their own friends. If you have a child who can’t do homework for more than 20 minutes, take a humor break to recharge his creative batteries.
Q. Is parenting really harder now?
A. Grandparents tell me they’re glad they’re not parents now. They didn’t have such an array of choices. They didn’t feel so overwhelmed, rushed, pressured. They had fewer and clearer paths. They had strong values that were reinforced by extended families. People still have families, but they’re rarely nearby. Asking a relative’s parenting advice by e-mail isn’t the same as face-to-face contact.
Q. When do parents need professional help?
A. When the kids have a sense of hopelessness that’s so strong, we can’t undo it. When the gap between parents and kids is so wide, you need a professional to create a bridge.
But it’s never too late to improve your parenting. The job is too important to be complacent. And the window for learning social skills remains open through the kids’ teenage years and early adulthood. Unlike language development or early reading skills, this window never closes. It’s not about perfection. It’s about improvement. No one’s a perfect parent, including me. I was recently going on and on to my daughter, getting louder and louder, about her lack of responsibility. She stopped me and said, “You call yourself a child psychologist?”
