`I turned around and she was gone.”
These are words that you never want to hear yourself say, but they’re what Peter Banks found himself saying to workers at a drugstore where he had been shopping with his 2-year-old daughter. Banks, a Washington, D.C., police officer, was trained to handle frightening situations, — but nothing had prepared him for the “sheer terror” that gripped him when his daughter Meredith suddenly disappeared.
“What does she look like?” the store manager asked.
“My mind went blank,” Banks recalls.
The manager made an announcement alerting shoppers to watch for a lost toddler, unaware that Meredith had already gone exploring elsewhere. A shopper happened to go to a neighboring store, Banks says, “and there was my daughter clutching a candy bar.”
It happens countless times each day, in stores, amusement parks, beaches, and parks all over the country: Parents and kids lose each other.
In the majority of cases, parent and child will reunite after a little searching and a few tears. But the dangers range from emotional trauma to accidental injury to — in very rare cases — abduction. Arming yourself and your child with a “just in case” strategy will greatly increase the chances that you’ll be safely reunited if you do get separated.
Banks, who is now the director of training and outreach at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children in Arlington, Va., says preparation is key. Always carry a current photo of your child to help anyone trying to find her. Write descriptive information such as height and weight on the back. Being able to describe what your child is wearing is equally important.
Help your child learn to say her name, her parents’ names, her address and phone number. However, remember that a 4-year-old who can recite all that to you may not do so well under the stress of being lost. Until you’re sure she has this information committed to memory, write it on a piece of paper that you routinely tuck into her pocket or shoe.
The question of how far to let your child wander from you in a public place is a matter of judgment. Consider your child’s age, maturity and the location when deciding. While experts can offer guidelines, they say that parents should always err on the side of caution.
Diana Jones, a Mt. Kisco, N.Y.-based psychologist, recommends that when traveling with more than one child and adult, each grownup be responsible for watching specific kids.
If you discover that your child is gone, spend just a few seconds looking in the immediate area — then get help from the nearest employee or security officer.
“Don’t stand around wondering if you should call security,” Banks says. “Call them. If you end up finding your child right away, great.”
What should your lost child do? He should follow three basic rules: 1. Stay put. 2. Talk to a “safe adult.” 3. Don’t go anywhere with someone you don’t know.
The first rule is crucial, Banks says, because parents and other searchers will comb the area in which a child was last seen. A wandering child is much harder to find and is more likely to get hurt — falling down a flight of stairs, for instance. In addition, kids should not go with someone they don’t know.
Who are safe adults? In general, they are store or park employees and security officers — people wearing name badges and uniforms, says Wendy Gordon, author of “I’m Safe,” a series of children’s safety books.
While the basic rules are the same for all kids, your child’s age will determine how you communicate those rules and how your youngster carries them out. Remember that discussing the rules once is not enough. Periodically review the guidelines with your child when you’re in a public place. Gordon suggests making a game of it saying, “Let’s look for someone with a name badge.”
When reviewing safety rules with your preschooler, keep them simple. “Stay put” can be explained as standing where she is and calling out for Mom or Dad. Emphasize that she must not go looking for you — that you will find her.
Give grade-schoolers clear safety instructions. “It’s harder to keep track of children as they grow older,” says Susan Slanina of Herndon, Va., whose children are 5 and 8. Parents typically give more leeway to kids this age, allowing them to walk several yards away, go to the next aisle of a store, or play in a different section of the playground. “The problem,” Slanina says, “is that we think they’re following us or that they’re paying attention and know where we are. Then we turn around and discover they’ve wandered off.”
On the bright side, Jones says, “With kids this age, you can be more explicit in your instructions.” You can tell your child that if he loses you, staying put means remaining in the immediate area, such as the same department of the store. If he gets separated from you on a busy sidewalk, Banks says, he should go into the nearest store and ask a safe adult for help.
Some 5- to 8-year-olds are mature enough to walk over to a safe adult who’s in sight such as an employee at a nearby cash register. “Tell your child to say, `My dad — or mom — is lost. Can you help me find him?’ ” Banks says. But repeat that he should not leave the area to go hunting for a safe adult.
Once again, use role-playing to reinforce the rules. Ask your child to point out safe adults to you. Stress that he is not required to go anywhere with anyone, including to a security office, Banks says. Have him respond, “Mom wants me to stay where I am.”
Older kids should remain where they are when lost. Parents often start letting their 9- to 12-year-olds out of their sight for longer periods, while still setting guidelines for them. Your child may go to browse in the next shop for 10 minutes or to buy candy at a nearby carnival booth and then come back to you.
If you offer such options, Jones advises, make sure your youngster wears a watch so she doesn’t have to depend on asking other people for the time.
Staying put if you get separated is still the safest option for your child, Banks says. But you can judge, starting at this age, whether your child is mature enough for the two of you to pick a central place to meet if you lose track of each other in a store, mall or park. Some kids may also feel comfortable going to a nearby pay phone and calling 911 (for free) or a parent’s beeper to report that they are lost, Jones says. So always make sure your child carries enough change to make a phone call.
A risk here is that some kids may feel independent enough to search for a security officer to help find their parents or to go where they think their parents have gone. You can have a detailed conversation with your preteen to explain why such wanderings will make it harder for the two of you to find each other. Explain that it’s important to stay in the same area while watching for a safe adult.
Getting separated from Mom or Dad can be a scary experience, but your child will be better able to cope if you’ve given her the tools to handle the dilemma.
