NAME: Betty Frain
BACKGROUND: Betty Frain is a psychotherapist and director of the Santa Barbara (Calif.) Counseling Center, where she trains people to become therapists. With Eileen M. Clegg, Frain has written “Becoming a Wise Parent for Your Grown Child: How to Give Love and Support Without Meddling” (New Harbinger Publications Inc., $12.95). The book deals with such issues as how parents can relate to grown children who have chosen lifestyles different from their own; how to establish boundaries, remain close and give feedback; and when to speak out.
Q–When a child leaves home and parents have unresolved problems with them, what can a parent do to confront the problems and mend the relationship?
A–Parents are the role models, and they need to acknowledge the issues and their part in them to their children. To do this, parents must first learn to communicate with their children. An example is the son or daughter who had a stormy childhood. Maybe they used drugs or alcohol, or maybe they did poorly in school. Now the young person leaves for college and there is a real desire to bond. Parents need to take the first step.
Q–How should parents communicate with their adult children?
A–As you grow, you develop communication skills. Now you have to apply these skills to your parent-adult child relationship. I think it’s very important to treat your adult children like friends or peers. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t courteous to our families. We are most courteous to those we don’t know well. So treat your children like those people. When you talk with, not to, your child, make eye contact, listen intently, share your feelings and allow your child to speak his or her mind.
Q–How should parents deal with their children in situations where they have chosen lifestyles radically different from their own?
A–Many children tell their parents they are homosexual after they leave home. The child’s parents may have strong feelings about this subject; however, they still have to let the child know that they love them. This is the most important thing to get across to your child.
I counseled one family who had a gay son. They warned their son about AIDS and tried to get him to change, but they soon realized they couldn’t. They accepted what he was. Their son was diagnosed with AIDS and died recently. They made the right choice. They supported his different lifestyle, and he died knowing they accepted him and loved him.
Q–How involved should parents get in their adult child’s problems?
A–They really shouldn’t, unless their child asks for help. But if you do agree to help, make sure you really want to. I recommend that parents give their adult children intangible things such as approval or acceptance, not money or cars or other things that will make you feel they owe you something.
Q–What should parents do if their adult child wants to move back into the family home?
A–I think the parents need to spell out their expectations from the start. In one of my group sessions, a man said his daughter moved back in and he wanted her out. Another man got up and left the meeting and came back with a package of contracts. He explained that he filled one out with his daughter. He included rent in the contract, which increased over time. She moved out more quickly when she realized it wasn’t a free ride. We aren’t doing our children any favors by taking them in when they are able to take care of themselves.
Q–Should parents lend their adult children money?
A–Parents are so quick to tell their kids, “I told you so,” when they run into financial problems. It doesn’t help them or their child. Parents can lend money, but they need to treat it as a loan. Some even charge interest. The payback comes when the child becomes self-sufficient.
Q–What should parents do when their grown child resists help?
A–Parents don’t have the ultimate answer to their child’s problem. It’s counterproductive to force your ideas on your children. Any action should be taken out of love and backed up with support. The parent can offer assistance, such as cleaning, cooking or babysitting. Only give advice when your child is open to receiving it. But stay close, and listen without judging. One of the reasons so many people turn to therapists is because they no longer have family connections.
