You are the child of an aging parent, perhaps the only child, living far away from your parent. Maybe your parent has even told you that they want you to care for them when it becomes necessary.
You can’t bring yourself to consider a nursing home, yet you don’t feel capable of being a round-the-clock nurse.
There are some things you need to do now, say the experts.
Have a frank talk with your parent about what they expect from you and what you honestly believe you can do for them. If, for example, your mother assumes you will care for her one day, and you know that’s an impossibility, you need to gently find a way to tell her.
Lisa Anderson, manager of Hospice Development at Rush Hospice Partners, recommends an approach something like, “Mom, if this is what you want, then we need to start saving or planning for a 24-hour caregiver because I’m not going to be able to tend to you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”
The Center to Improve Care of the Dying offers “A Handbook for Mortals” (Oxford University Press, $25). It suggests ways to get the conversation going, as well as how to talk with (and fire, if necessary) doctors, how to find a chaplain, how to deal with the roller coaster of feelings that go along with caring for a loved one and many other pertinent and practical issues.
– Deal with the financial realities of dying. For some, long-term care insurance is an option. It is offered through employers or independently. It offers several options, including coverage for in-home help.
– Consider a geriatric care manager, often an option for family members who don’t live near their aging relative. Usually either registered nurses or social workers, geriatric care managers evaluate, coordinate and oversee long-term care needs. Their services don’t come cheap; expect to pay $85 an hour or more, and their fees are rarely reimbursable by private insurance or Medicare. But managers sometimes can be contracted to do a simple evaluation and develop a health-care plan only. You then can implement the program on your own. For more information, check at the Web site of the National Association for Professional Geriatric Care Managers at www.caremanager.org, or call the association in Tucson, Ariz., at 520-881-8008.
Karen Frost, consultant in Health Management Practices at Hewitt Associates in Lincolnshire, advises seeking help from your employer first. Many times they offer referral services that could benefit an employee caring for an older relative.
