Occasionally friends will call Lynne Murray and invite her out for an impromptu dinner. Or they’re planning a trip; would she like to go along?
Although she is at that point in life when she thought she’d be free to live by her own schedule, she often declines. She has to drive to ballet or piano. Or something special is happening at school.
Murray picks up a photo of her smiling 7-year-old granddaughter and smiles back with pride and love. The child’s happiness is reason enough to take a pass on some of the perks that are supposed to come along when your children are grown.
Although her granddaughter, Shawna Durst, calls her “GB” for Granny Beautiful, Murray is actually filling the role of mom. She is a grandparent raising her grandchild, and she doesn’t know when or if the situation will change. The girl has lived with her since she was 2.
“I look at her as a truly wonderful gift,” said Murray, who lives in Wheaton. “But my dream and my prayer is that my daughter (a single mother living in Missouri) gets her life together so she can have her family together again.”
Last year, a friend told Murray about the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group at Metropolitan Family Services DuPage in downtown Wheaton. There, Murray said, she met others in the same situation and found answers to many of her questions.
Murray, 49, is far from alone. About 70,000 children in Illinois are being raised by grandparents, according to Jan Costello, spokeswoman for the Illinois Department on Aging, which coordinates the Illinois Task Force on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. That does not include the 150,000 children being raised by grandparents in a home where the parent is also present.
Grandparents at support group meetings are first interested in legal and financial information, said Anne Zeidman, a social worker in senior services at Metropolitan Family Services DuPage. But once past that, they seek the support and friendship of others who know how they feel. Many are otherwise isolated.
In many situations, the grandchildren have been removed from parental care and placed with grandparents because of chemical abuse or neglect by the parent. “Out here in the west suburbs, the need was felt in the early ’90s, reflective of the use of crack,” Zeidman said. In other cases, grandparents gradually became the caregivers.
“I’ve heard this story again and again. The parent leaves the child with the grandparents more and more. And pretty soon the parent is gone, and the grandparent is raising the child,” Zeidman said.
Support group meetings address a variety of concerns, including legal and financial problems, reading activities, safety and helping the children deal with the situation. At one support group meeting, a grandfather stood up and declared: “These are not throw-away children,” remembers Lucy Dvorak, who is on the board of the Northeastern Illinois Area Agency on Aging and assists Zeidman with the support group.
“It’s a very unselfish act of love,” Dvorak said. “These people are heroes. They are assuming the responsibility for a child.”
Grandparents frequently blame themselves and ask why their child can’t be a good parent. That question brings Murray to tears. Her daughter was struggling mentally and physically, and Shawna was living in a potentially dangerous environment before Murray took her in.
“I think I blamed myself for a long time. But I know I did the best I could for my daughter,” Murray said. “Can I look back and see things I’d like to do differently? Yes. But I can’t do anything about that now. Now I can be the best parent I can be to my daughter and to my granddaughter. It’s difficult when you see your own child struggling.”
Along with Shawna came changes in Murray’s life. She sold her townhouse and bought a home across the street from a grade school. Personal plans were put on hold. A hairdresser, she began to worry about day care again.
“I looked up and I said, `If this is my job, then I need all the help you can send me,’ ” Murray remembers. She found that friends were willing to babysit. The kindergarten teacher led her step-by-step through the school routine again. Others offered hand-me-down clothes and financial assistance.
“Thank goodness for angels,” Murray said.
Like many grandparents in her situation, she has legal guardianship, meaning she can make all decisions on Shawna’s behalf, but her daughter can legally come back for her child any time she wants.
At first, many grandparents may overindulge the child, eager to play the traditional role of doting grandparent, Zeidman said.
“I was like that,” Murray recalls. “At first it was like she was here on vacation. Slowly I saw being a grandparent slipping away. I have to discipline her as well. That’s one of the sad parts. I have to be a mom, so I don’t get to be a grandma.”
“One thing we found is that grandparents step forward immediately and without question,” Costello said. “They may be thinking retirement is here and they are ready to do as they please, but when it happens, they don’t have resentment. They will tell you, though, that it can get very complicated, and they need help. Times have changed since they raised their own children.”
One thing hasn’t changed, Murray said. “When you’re caring for a child, you do what you have to do. People ask how you do it. You just do it.
“When I see Shawna and all the unhappiness she could be, all the negative that could be in her, I am amazed,” Murray said. “Here is a child who is bright, content and loving, and doesn’t have a mean streak in her body. And I’ll do whatever I can do for her.”
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Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group will meet from 6:30-8:30 p.m. Thursday at Metropolitan Family Services DuPage, 222 E. Willow in Wheaton. Advance registration is required. Call Anne Zeidman at 630-682-1802.
For a free booklet, “Starting Points for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: A Resource Guide with Information and Services for Grandparent Caregivers,” call the senior help line of the Illinois Department on Aging, 1-800-252-8966. They will also provide information on other support groups throughout the state.
