When Jonathan Rix reflexively cursed in front of his 3-year-old son, the boy, as kids will, parroted his father’s salty phrase.
Rix, regional vice president of Paxson Communications, Midwest (Channel 38-TV in Chicago), first found humor in his son’s newfound vocabulary. But then he remembered his responsibility as a role model: “I decided it was a vice I disliked.”
Kids swear–at home, at school and especially among peers. But because it’s socially unacceptable, parents and educators find themselves in a constant struggle to teach children how to communicate without using profanity.
Arrayed against adults are their own use of obscenities, peer profanity among kids and a barrage of bad-mouthing on TV. A recent “Drew Carey” show, for instance, had a child saying “ass” and “bastard” in the space of 20 seconds. Music exhibits even more aggressive language.
And schools find themselves responsible for keeping a rein on foul words. But what do teachers do when they hear swearing? Do they always take a stand, or, like many parents, do they sometimes pretend not to hear something, just so they can tough it out on more critical issues?
Bruce Brown, principal of Lincoln Hall Middle School in Lincolnwood, differentiates between parents and teachers.
“It’s a different perspective being a teacher,” Brown said, “because you’re a public authority figure. If something occurs at home, a parent might want to pick his battles. But a teacher is on stage always and has to be consistent. We stress consistency.”
That’s not to say Brown and his staff lack discretion. “When a child walks away muttering, I personally won’t ask, `What did you say?’ Brown explained. “But if it’s audible, that’s a violation of policy and we’d have to enact our policies.”
Peggy Goddard, director of the Catholic Youth Ministry Center at Morgan Park High School said her after-school program has a Potty Mouth treasury: a coin bank shaped like a little toilet, which makes a flushing sound when money is inserted.
“When we hear a young person swearing,” Goddard said, “they have an option: Put 50 cents into the Potty Mouth, or leave the building for the day.”
Giving the high schoolers a choice allows them to exercise free will and cuts down on hard feelings, Goddard said. Furthermore, “at the end of the year the money is spent on the kids,” she added. “One year we had a barbecue, other times we’ve bought equipment for our pool table, and one year we bought Halloween candy for the kids.
“One of the things we discovered with the Potty Mouth Bank is that the kids police themselves. And that’s what we really want around here.”
Goddard pegged the age when cursing begins in earnest at the junior high school level, but Jill Ferdinand, a 2nd grade teacher at Salt Creek Elementary School in Elk Grove Village, said some use taboo words “as early as 1st grade. By 3rd grade, most of the children know all the four-letter words.
“The first time they use a swear word,” Ferdinand said, “I take the child aside and tell them there are far more words in our language that could state more succinctly what they meant. This is a teachable moment, when you can share with them better word choices that clarify what they want to express. If it’s a minor thing such as, `It sucks,’ I give them a `teacherly look,’ and you can tell by their response: If they lower their eyes or give a little gulp, it shows they recognize they made a bad choice, so I let it go. If I feel they didn’t get my message, then I take them aside and we briefly talk about it.”
Although many young children do use swear words, they don’t necessarily know what they mean. “For certain words, such as `gay,’ or body parts, I will explain to them what the word means, then ask them what they were feeling at the time they said that word. Then we try to find a word that represents the feeling they were having and use that word. Unless you take a child through this thinking process, they’re more apt to swear in the future because it’s the easy way out,” Ferdinand said.
Asked which words prompt a line to be drawn in the sand, Brown said, “We’re pretty conservative, and students aren’t allowed to use language such as `ass’ just because they hear it on TV. We stress to the students that when they make a statement like that, it doesn’t reflect well on them. All their lives, they need to express their emotions without using inappropriate words.”
Rix agrees, so much so that he took a course at the Cuss Control Academy in Northbrook (see accompanying story) to modify his speech.
“I’m much more cognizant of words now,” Rix said. “I have a built-in filter system now. I can feel a swear word coming, and in the past it flowed freely. Now it passes like a kidney stone.
“Swearing used to be something that made a connection between people at times, but now I don’t swear and feel if others swear it demeans their message — and themselves. If I swear, I feel disappointed. I realize it’s more of a slip than a flourish.”
HOW TO KEEP IT CLEAN
James V. O’Connor, president of Cuss Control Academy in Northbrook, gives presentations at high schools. When he asks the students how many of them swear, the response rate is about 90 percent.
“Then I ask if they hear their parents swear, and about 60 to 65 percent raise their hands,” O’Connor said. When O’Connor asks if they hear their grandparents swear, the response rate is only about 30 percent.
O’Connor offers this advice to people who want to turn back the clock on swearing:
– “The first step is to be conscious that swearing is very harmful, not just to children but adults too,” O’Connor said. “If you are a swearer, it may show you lack character, don’t have emotional control and can’t cope with daily aggravations.”
– “Once you recognize why you swear, the easiest way to break the habit is to eliminate casual swearing, where you’re not provoked by an emotion such as anger or frustration or pain,” O’Connor said.
– The next step is to control “causal swearing.” Practice being patient. Don’t constantly complain, unless it’s about something the person you’re talking to can fix. “Cope, don’t cuss,” O’Connor said. “We live in an imperfect world, and things go wrong. We just have to deal with it.”
– “Don’t always look for someone or something to blame,” O’Connor said, “because accidents do happen. Don’t assume someone is always at fault.”
– “A lot of people think the solution to cussing is to use alternative words,” O’Connor said. “That’s part of it, but the key is to instead prevent yourself from getting into an emotional state that prompts you to swear.”
To contact Cuss Control Academy, call 847-498-2284.
— Charles Chi Halevi
