The first time Pat Sand got married, she was 23, her reception was at a VFW hall and the menu included mostaccioli and mashed potatoes. She vaguely recalls wearing something with pleats.
Last November, when the 42-year-old Sand tied the knot again, it was in Hawaii, in an exquisite ivory tulle gown, flanked by the groom’s two children. Guests dined on sushi and toasted the newlyweds with a rare vintage wine.
“The first time it was based on my parents’ budget. This time it was for me. It was our money, our taste and it was just a lot more fun,” said Sand, a sales manager for Dun & Bradstreet.
With the approach of Valentine’s Day–one of the most popular days for popping the question–more American couples will be contemplating a repeat trip to the altar. In another era, that might have meant slipping away to City Hall to be discreetly married by a justice of the peace or eloping to Las Vegas to tie the knot at a chapel on the Strip.
But with 46 percent of all weddings involving at least one partner who has been married before, the market is simply too lucrative to ignore. With the overall U.S. wedding industry raking in $30 billion to $50 billion annually, that ringing sound you hear may be wedding bells, but it’s also the ka-ching of cash registers.
“The rules have changed,” said Beth Ramirez, publisher of Bride Again, which bills itself as the only magazine designed for “encore brides.” (The euphemism is to nuptials as “pre-owned” is to cars.) “People used to do it quietly, but not anymore. Chances are if you’ve been divorced, you’ve been through a lot. Now that you’ve found love again, you want to celebrate.”
So, if you dream of making an entrance in a frothy white gown, complete with veil, chapel train and dyed-to-match shoes, why should anyone raise an eyebrow? Ditto the taffeta-clad bridesmaids, the multi-tiered wedding cake, even the gift registry. An army of caterers, consultants, florists and videographers are eager to fulfill every whim and couples are responding with a resounding “I do.”
“It’s getting bigger in every way–from the number of guests, the size of the bridal party, the cost of the gown,” said Nancy Gussein, buyer for Marshall Field’s bridal salon who has sold gowns in the $15,000-to-$20,000 range to repeat customers. “It’s one way to show how well you’re doing.”
After becoming engaged, Ramirez devoured all the bridal publications only to find that she didn’t relate to them at all. “We had three kids, two dogs, two households. It wasn’t like I was 22 and leaving my mother’s house for the first time.”
With a shoestring budget and even less experience, she carved out a niche in the crowded world of “bridal journalism,” launching the inaugural issue of Bride Again last year from her Anaheim office.
“The current bridal magazines couldn’t touch this. Their message is: Spend $50,000 because you only do this once. Well, you can’t very well say, `Of course, for those of you who are doing it two or three times. . . .’ “
So, while you will find the usual glossy pages of wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses, the magazine is interspersed with stories on stepchildren, pre-nuptial agreements and questions of second-time-around etiquette.
For encore brides unsure whether it’s appropriate to wear white, Ramirez assures them it’s a sign of joy, not purity. Of all the accoutrements, she rejects only the blusher veil and orange blossoms–both symbols of virginity, she said. However, Field’s Gussein has seen both. “Really, it’s anything goes.”
Is there anything that’s taboo?
“Expecting your parents to pay,” said Carley Roney, co-founder of The Knot (www.theknot.com), an on-line wedding planning site. “Sometimes, though, they’re so glad you got rid of the first one that they’re thrilled to spend again.”
If the garb remains as poufy as ever, the setting is distinctly different. If the reception was held in a hall or hotel the first time, the betrothed might now opt for a more unusual venue, such as the Chicago Historical Society, the Lyric Opera lobby or the School of the Art Institute, experts said. And if they had 300 people, the guest list might have decreased by a third, but that doesn’t mean the tab has shrunk along with it. An effervescent economy means that price is no object, said Jennifer Anderson, a Chicago bridal consultant, who has been given $50,000 budgets to cover a mere 100 guests.
“These couples have very definite ideas . . . and money is not an issue. They want the event to reflect their tastes, from rice paper invitations to single-malt scotches and cigars. They are willing to splurge on a really fabulous orchestra. The first time around, it’s all about what the parents want. The second time, though, it’s what the couple wants,” said Anderson, who estimates that one-quarter of her business comes from veterans.
When the setting is a hotel, more often than not, it will have a distinctive feature. At the Swissotel, for example, the 43rd floor penthouse offers a wrap-around view of Lake Michigan and the city skyline, making it an ideal choice for second weddings, said Jane Himmel, catering manager. The initial contact is more likely to be made by the groom (as opposed to the bride’s parents). “Another advantage is that the encore bride is not nearly as neurotic.”
The ceremony, too, will often have a twist that acknowledges that this is not the first trip down the aisle. Children give their mother away or serve as attendants.
One of the newest rituals is the family medallion, which Pat Sand and her husband, Joe Murauskis, presented to his children, 11 and 13, during the ceremony. “We wanted to give them something to remember this . . . and that it wasn’t just a union of a couple, but the creation of a whole new family,” said Sand, who lives in Plainfield. “My 11-year-old stepson didn’t want to take it off.”
The medallion, which features three interlocking circles, was the brainchild of Roger Coleman, a Kansas City clergyman who noticed how often children would act out during the ceremony. “When I started recognizing them, I got different behavior altogether . . . This is a way of making them feel included and important.”
Now, he sells about 15,000 medallions annually, an indication that people are more accepting of past lives, he said.
Still, it’s a constant struggle to get participants to focus on substance over style. “Everything is wrapped around the bride–the dress, the flowers–and family life is never about one person,” he said. “But it’s tough . . . in the wedding business, you’re up against some real pros.”
Retailers are cashing in too. Bridal registries are filled with the names of people who are no strangers to the process, but instead of toasters and coffeemakers, this time, they are signing up for everything from power drills to picnic baskets, said Roney of The Knot. “Everyone is just a lot more practical.”
Of course, practical can also mean pricey. Along with the Black & Decker, you’ll also find Sub-Zero refrigerators and even BMWs among the 10,000 items listed on the registry. Not surprisingly, Roney doesn’t see anything crass about having friends replace those milk-stained placemats and tattered towels. “A lot of the old etiquette was created in a different era. By their sheer numbers, people who are remarrying are rewriting the rules.”
Rather than see this as an unabashed gift grab, the on-line registry is an accommodation to our frenetic lives, she said.
“Do you want to shop?” she asks pointedly. “People are going to buy a gift anyway–they want to celebrate your love–so you might as well make it easier for them.”
But nothing acknowledges the time-crunch as much as the “Fast Track Wedding” offered by the Jalousie Hilton on the island of St. Lucia in the Caribbean. The four-night package was recently created for all the “Type-A corporate couples who want to get married but can’t spare more than a few days away from the office.” The hotel has even coined a new word for this emerging market: Honeyboomers.
Linda Nash, a New York entrepreneur, understands the complex logistics that accompany more established lives. Her daughter is getting married May 14, so Nash, who is in her “low, low 50s,” penciled in her own nuptials for the next day. “The guests will be here, the flowers will still be fresh, so it just made a lot of sense.”
While she is planning something very low-key for herself, so as not to detract from her daughter’s big day, she understands the urge to splurge.
“I’m not the same person I was when I got married; neither are most of the other women I know,” she said. “So if you want to do it up really big, why not? At this stage of life, we’ve earned it.”
