When Mom and Dad don’t like your pals, it can cause friction, fireworks and fights. Let’s look at friendship fiascos — and find some solutions.
Parental pal probs…
We asked parents to clue us in about what sets ’em off:
-Weird looks (or vibes) “It can be as simple as weird hair, bizarre clothes or multiple piercings, because parents can be surface just like everyone else,” says Merilyn Salomon, a Chicago clinical psychologist. But your folks’ feelings could run deeper. “It might be signals (your friends are) sending out or inappropriate behavior,” Salomon notes.
-Poser behavior John, a Chicago father of four, says he frets about friends of his children “who seem too worldly for their age and do things before they are mature enough to handle them,” such as date or stay out late.
-Rude ‘tudes Chelin, a Chicago mother of five, doesn’t like her children’s friends to be “rude or treat others unjustly.” And derogatory name-calling by any of his kids’ friends infuriates Terry, a Chicago father of three.
-Strange change Maybe one of your friends has started wearing all black or is spouting off loads of slang. Whatever, when your friends’ behaviors change suddenly, “parents can also get bent out of shape, especially if the new ones seem rebellious or odd,” Salomon says. “Friends can reflect changes in yourself… and parents get anxious. They’re afraid it might lead to anti-social or risky behavior.”
… and moves
Parents can have a wide range of reactions to problem pals. Maybe you can relate to one of these parental modes: Jake, a Chicago 7th grader, says, “My parents just tell me their opinions.” But Angela, a Chicago 9th grader, says, “My mom has punished me for hanging out with someone she didn’t like.” Gabriel, a Chicago 6th grader, says, “My mom kicks kids she doesn’t like out of the house.” But Annie, a Chicago 7th grader, says, “mine invites them over, so she can keep tabs on us.”
IT`S YOUR TURN
First off, don’t panic! There are ways to handle a friendship fiasco besides sulking or dropping that problematic pal.
-Talk things over “Keep the dialogue open and tell your parents why you feel your friend is a good choice,” says Antoinette Saunders, a Wilmette child psychologist.
But be honest with yourself. Psychologist Merilyn Salomon says: “If you realize they’re not really such a good choice, ask yourself why you’re picking them as a friend. But if you feel you’re right, stick with your decision.”
What if that leads to a fight? “Disagreements can be good,” says Salomon, but both sides should be careful not to let them get out of hand.
-Head them off Seventh grader Jake says, “I know when my parents don’t like one of my friends… so I talk to them about it before they talk to me, and reassure them that my friend is OK. It makes them think I have good judgment.”
-Apply their advice Gahan, a Chicago 4th grader, says, “When I fight with someone a lot, my mother asks me, `Is that really a friendship?’ and she’s right. Now I ask myself that whenever I don’t get along with someone.”
-Talk to your friends “They might not realize they’re doing something that drives your parents crazy, so I prep them to be better behaved,” 6th grader Gabriel says. That means no swearing, burping or screaming in his house.
-Get out of their face “If someone’s a problem type, and you’re not all that close, then don’t bring them home if you know it will irritate your parents,” 7th grader Annie says. “I’m still friends with them at school and talk to them on the phone, and everyone’s happy.”
IF MOM AND POPS THINK YOUR FRIENDS ARE BAD…
“Smashing Pumpkins” guitarist Billy Corgan If your friend’s latest ‘do is freaking the ‘rents, point out that Billy has gone back to bald on his latest CD cover (and looks a little like a Munster!).
Skater Tonya Harding Temper, temper. Beware of flying hubcaps!
Those two-faced “Scream” teens
The masked slashers take backstabbing to a new level.
Almost any of the “Real World” cast members
They’d sit around your house, whining and bickering.
“7th Heaven” star Jennifer Biel Who could have predicted? This good-girl-turned-bad revealed herself as a rebel with a potty mouth in a recent magazine story.
— Carol Monaghan
