Q–I moved to a new department several months ago. Our department manager is very nice and friendly and goes out to lunch with our group, in which I am the only female. He doesn’t seem to mind personal questions or conversations.
I began liking him and e-mailed him about my feelings. I told him that I know it is not the right thing and that I’m trying to stop feeling this way. He did not respond to my e-mail but continued treating me the same. I was feeling uncomfortable about it so I sent another e-mail apologizing for having told him about my feelings and said I wouldn’t mention it again.
He responded by thanking me for being courteous. I am trying not to show my strong feelings toward him, but it’s hard. I left him a note on his desk just saying “hi” because I hadn’t seen him yet one day. Was that inappropriate?
A–Hold off on the personal notes right now. Your manager has not responded in kind to your love note, so take the hint. He is handling the situation with maturity, consideration and sensitivity and you must do the same or risk your job. You need to be careful not to open yourself up to harassment charges; at the least you could be transferred out of the department if you make life uncomfortable for the boss.
According to Dennis M. Powers, lawyer and author of “The Office Romance” (AMACOM $22.95), one-third of all romances begin at work, but they’ve got to be two-sided.
You can continue being friendly, but it would be best to not make any more advances or emotional declarations. If you develop a strong working relationship and friendship with this man, a deeper relationship might develop as time goes by.
Q–In your column (4/16/00) in which an employee was criticized on a personal level by her boss, you told her to confine her personal conversation to breaks when the boss was not around. You should have also told her that a person can be pleasant and friendly without having any personal conversations. Personal conversations tend to escalate into private disclosures, which can result in an abuse of power. You can’t let your tongue outrun your brain.
A–You are right. Employees may divulge too much personal information in conversations with others at work–information that could be fuel for vindictive or retaliatory behavior later.
Because people never know what position they will hold in the future or who their bosses or co-workers may be, it’s safest to limit conversations to business or general interest topics. You can be friendly without revealing personal things, and you can deflect personal questions without appearing rude.
Q–I have no trouble getting job interviews, but I rarely get a second one. I’m looking for a managerial position but I am soft-spoken. How should I work on this?
A–A public-speaking course should help you with your presentation skills. Since shyness may contribute to your speaking quietly, you might also want to call Toastmasters International (800-993-7732) or visit their Web site at www.toastmasters.org to find a group in your area.
Members present speeches to the group and receive friendly and constructive criticism on their delivery.
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Write to Lindsey Novak, Jobs, Room 400, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, 60611. E-mail her at AtWorkbyLN@aol.com
