In 1988, the demands on Janet Penley seemed to be building to gargantuan proportions.
She wanted to be a perfect parent — or at least what she thought was perfect. Her vision included providing intellectual stimulation for her two children — Dan, then 6, and Jane, then 3 — and always tuning into their feelings, always dropping everything and doing whatever they needed, always having order, working full time, spending time with her husband, Steve, and running a smooth, tranquil household.
The problem was when she couldn’t do it all, she felt inadequate. When her children asked her to do the simplest task, she exploded.
Realizing she had to change things, she quit her job in marketing and set out to find a cure for bad parenting.
What resulted was Mothers of Many Styles, a business based in Penley’s Wilmette home. Using her bachelor’s degree in psychology and an MBA from the University of Michigan, she created M.O.M.S. as a series of seminars and programs.
Penley, who has conducted more than 450 seminars for mothers, also has spoken to fathers and children. Her appearances were hosted by groups that included the Batavia Parent Network, First Presbyterian Church of Evanston, Highland Park Hospital, Libertyville Family Services, Mothers of Multiples and the Wilmette Women’s Club.
She began her quest by evaluating her own mothering style and followed that up with extensive research.
“One of my main objectives during my research was figuring out how to get mothers beyond the feeling that their children were sucking the life from them,” said Penley.
Penley began with a personality profile developed by psychologist Carl Jung and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a questionnaire created and used most frequently by businesses and guidance counselors to help people choose a career based on their personality type.
Using these documents as a guide, Penley crafted her own questionnaire for mothers, which she asks them to fill out before attending her seminar.
Armed with an evaluation of their mothering types, they are ready to find out how to use that knowledge to improve their parenting.
For example, Penley, a “Know Thyself Mother,” learned that time for solitude is vital for maintaining a healthy balance in her home. She devised an answer for the situations in which her children’s demands tested her patience.
“When I needed a break, I would play a little game with my son. I would tell him my gas tank was empty and the only way to fill it was to spend time alone,” said Penley. “My type respects their child’s need to be alone as well as recognizing they need alone time as well.”
Teresa Melcher, an Oak Park mother of six, was drawn to M.O.M.S. to see how Penley used the Myers-Briggs Indicator to determine parenting styles. Melcher, whom tests showed to be an “Individual Integrity Mother,” enjoys being with her kids but not in a crowd.
“I have never really enjoyed spending a lot of time with large groups of people, yet our vacations centered around large family gatherings,” she said. “My type is known for not conforming and I am comfortable not letting my kids do things because other kids are doing it . . .I now limit my outside activities and try to schedule vacations alone without large family groups or (other) children. It has made all difference for me.”
Amy Wittkamper, a mother of two from Woodridge, said M.O.M.S. taught her how to be happy with herself.
As a “Tuned in Mother,” Wittkamper’s type struggles trying to balance society’s expectations for order and schedules with her desire to tune in to the needs of her children.
“What I got from M.O.M.S. was the acceptance of what kind of mom I am. I would constantly go to a home and it was spotless and I would feel bad when mine wasn’t. I would try to be someone I wasn’t,” said Wittkamper. “I learned to do chores a little at a time. One of the characteristics of my type is giving and doing for my kids. I place that as a priority, not having a spotless house all the time. I no longer put unnecessary pressures on myself.”
Many factors send participants to M.O.M.S. seminars. Some mothers go just to get validation for their parenting styles, as was the case with Lois Laedtke of Gurnee, mother of a 5-year-old son. Laedtke, a “Heart to Heart Mother,” tested out as organized, energetic and involved in her child’s life.
“M.O.M.S. put things in perspective for me. I had always thought that I was an introvert and I am actually an extrovert,” said Laedtke. “I was doing a lot of things with my kids and other people and what I needed was time to myself. For me, M.O.M.S. was not necessarily prescriptive, but it showed me why I do what I do and made me comfortable with it.”
Costs of the three-hour seminar start at $60. Discounted rates are available for large groups. For more information, call 847-251-4936 or e-mail JPMOMS@aol.com.
16 TYPES OF MOTHERS
Janet Penley’s M.O.M.S.’ handbook defines mothering types by personality traits that include extrovert (E) or introvert (I); sensing (S) or intuitive (N); thinking (T) or feeling (F); judging (J) or perceiving (P). In different combinations they result in the following parenting styles:
ISTJ — “Responsibility Mother,” has a highly developed sense of responsibility
ESTP — “Action Adventure Mother,” makes dull routines an adventure
ISTP — “Give ‘Em Their Space Mother,” non-intrusive
ESTJ — “How-To Mother,” teaches children to problem-solve
ISFJ — “Tender Loving Care Mother,” shows her love in practical ways
ESFP — “Totally There Mother,” instills a strong sense of family
ISFP — “Giving Mother,” wants kids to know they are loved
ESFJ — “Happy Together Mother,” personifies motherhood, promotes traditional values
INFJ — “Know Thyself Mother,” has self-knowledge, observes and understands each child
ENFP — “Kids R Fun Mother,” playful and energetic, less concerned with rules and routines
INFP — “Tuned In Mother,” tuned in to the needs of her children
ENFJ — “Heart to Heart Mother,” will have heart-to-heart talks with her children, keeps children connected to family
INTJ — “Individual Integrity Mother,” independent mother who doesn’t do things because other mothers do
ENTP — “Independence Mother,” wants children to learn from their decisions
INTP — “Love of Learning Mother,” answers “whys” and discusses ideas with her children
ENTJ — “Executive Mother,” organizes the needs and schedules of family members
