TV, the idea that NBC, the network that brags to advertisers of having the most educated viewers, is cluttering up your evening’s diversion with these lectures more patronizing than anything you ever heard in 1st grade.
So, in the spirit of turnabout being fair play, here is some public-service ad copy directed at actors, intended to be read by real people:
– Topic: Your kids
Studies show that parents who don’t know their kids’ first names can leave them with irreversible psychological damage. So how about it, funnyman? You can learn hundreds of lines in a 50-page sitcom script. Spend a few minutes and learn your kids’ names. Or at least a nickname.
– Topic: Marriage tips
Are you closer to your publicist than your wife? It happens more often than you think. The publicist gets you that TV Guide cover and an introduction to the Oscar-nominated starlet. The wife, whom you married when you were still waiting tables, just gives you a lot of grief.
But remember what’s really important. You can fire a publicist and have another working for you in a heartbeat. Try to get rid of a wife and she’ll take you for half of everything you’ve earned. So make peace with your wife today. Let her know she means more to you than your publicist. Your girlfriend will thank you for it.
– Topic: Aspiring networks
Every actor wants a television series. But there are fates worse than not working. A recent survey shows there are actors who’ve been on UPN for three years who are no more famous than Jeff Gillooly, not much wealthier and no better known by the people in their hometown. Accept no network smaller than Fox.
– Topic: Bulimia
Your wraithlike figure is important to your continued success. It makes teenage boys think they want to have sex with you. Yet rumors are starting to circulate. There was that nasty People magazine story. Your fellow cast members are wondering why you always run off to the bathroom a few minutes after scarfing at the catering table. . But never, ever let on that you’re bulimic. Just tell them it’s morning sickness and — sniff — you’re not even sure who the father is. Later on, when they start to wonder why you still don’t weigh triple digits, you can always say you had an abortion.
– Spot: Drug problem
The hollowed-out eye sockets. The missed photo sessions. The tantrum in the middle of a Beverly Hills street. The four days YOU don’t remember but the tabloids DO. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes, to begin a period of image rehab, you even have to admit to a “drug problem.” But if you want to continue to work in this town, never ever let on that your craving is for crack cocaine. “Prescription painkillers,” that’s the ticket back. Oh, and, please, no needles.
– Topic: People in Style
The media are vultures. We all know it. They want to feed at the trough with you when you’re hot, then pick at your bones when you’re not. But there’s one media outlet that will always be there to buoy you up. When even “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight” won’t return your calls, you can always get a spread in People in Style. It’s “star-friendly.”
– Topic: STDs
It’s no secret that actors can feel intensely lonely at times, even unwanted. And the Hollywood fast life is certainly seductive. But in the long run, a night of unprotected sex with a porn star won’t make you feel better about yourself. And it may leave you with an uncomfortable memory you can’t forget.
– Topic: STDs No. 2
It’s fun to bag people more famous than you. Everybody in Hollywood does it, or tries to. But remember: When it comes to being believed, the bigger star has all the power. Trying to claim the lead in your show gave you an STD will just get you fired. So if you’re going to go after the really big fish, be smart about it. Use a condom.
– Topic: Critics
(Singing) “Everybody loves somebody sometime . . .” (Speaking) And then sometimes they don’t. We all get criticized. But don’t make the mistake of taking anything you read too personally. Remember: A critic is just a person who wishes he had the guts — and the looks — to do what you do and happens to own a thesaurus. And a thesaurus is just another kind of dinosaur. It’ll be extinct soon enough. Bear your criticism with dignity.
– Topic: Videotape
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see a videotape of the famous person having sex. You can and probably will let a partner talk you into all kinds of unusual things. But if you don’t want to become an inadvertent icon of the Internet, if you’d rather get paid for the work you do on camera, don’t let a partner talk you into “home movies.”
– Topic: PSAs
I know, I know. It’s a pain to have to show up at a studio on your off-day. Sometimes the writing isn’t as sharp as on your show. But a PSA is an easy opportunity to come off like a concerned human. And your fans need to hear from you. They need you to tell them how to raise their kids. And they need you to remind them that prejudice is bad. So when the network calls, say “yes” to the PSA. Your fans will not only thank you for it, they’ll be on their way to becoming decent people.
