Dear Miss Manners- When I had a son two years ago, a few family members gave us baby items for him-hand-me-down clothes, toys, a crib-that they would no longer need, as they did not plan to have any more children. I am now planning a garage sale to get rid of the items, plus I could use the money.
Because these things were given to me with no discussion of their being returned, are they not mine to do with as I please? Am I obligated to offer to return them to the original family member, provided I could possibly remember who gave me what?
One sister-in-law has already asked me for the crib back, which I guess she can have, but I am still using the mattress in my son’s toddler bed.
There is a good deal of family tension building over this. I thought that once you gave something to somebody, it was theirs for good. Or does this not apply to children’s items?
Gentle Reader-It does and it doesn’t. A gift that someone selects for you is certainly yours, to use, pass on, toss or sell, provided only that you offer the giver both thanks and protection from evidence that it failed to provide the pleasure that was intended.
Hand-me-downs are not presents, and they come with a different emotional element. As items that already were owned and used, they cannot pretend to have been selected with the taste of the recipient in mind. The thoughtfulness that replaces this is that of mutual helpfulness. So the items are yours, but with the understanding that you don’t break that cycle of kindly intentions.
If the items were worn out, or if you had already passed them on to another family, Miss Manners doubts that there would be any lack of understanding about not getting them back. You also could plead for delay on the mattress because you are still using it-presuming that the mother who passed it on to you is not herself expecting another baby for whom she needs it.
But to sell the family hand-me-downs is to reject the spirit of mutual concern and cooperation in which they were given. Miss Manners is not moved by the argument that you could use the money. Most young families can, and that is exactly why good people try to help one another.
Dear Miss Manners-I noticed that some guests sitting on my sofa seemed uncomfortable with the three accent pillows on it. Rather than moving them, they sat forward on the sofa. Should I have removed the pillows prior to the party?
Gentle Reader-Are your pillows peculiarly prickly? Are your guests peculiarly timid?
Miss Manners would prefer to believe that you put those pillows there for your guests’ comfort, and if they choose not to lean back it is because they have beautiful posture.
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Address your etiquette questions to Miss Manners, in care of the Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
