He’s a photogenic and well-educated but conspicuously unaccomplished guy who seems to think he’s entitled to high office simply because of his name. No, I’m not talking about George W. Bush or Al Gore. I’m talking about Prince William, who has gotten a torrent of publicity for reaching his 18th birthday, an achievement within the ability of most people on Earth.
Well, that’s not the whole reason he’s getting all this attention. There’s also the fact that he’s a member of the British royal family, son of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana and, if things go as planned, the future King William V. Thanks to these attributes, plus his money and good looks, he is now suddenly regarded as “the world’s most eligible bachelor,” “a global superstar,” and a suitable subject for intensive press coverage.
But why? The most you can say about William is that in 30 or 40 or 50 years, if he’s lucky, he will inherit the throne of a pathetically irrelevant monarchy in a small island nation. In the meantime, he will wait for his grandmother and then his father to live out their allotted days and vacate the job, whose prerogatives and duties have nothing to do with actually governing the country.
The British crown, once the terror of the world, is a fake monarchy that would cause Henry VIII to chop off his own head in despair at how far his office has fallen. William could hardly have less actual power if his family were named Smith instead of Windsor. He has to do nothing to become king, which is perfect preparation for a job in which he will do nothing.
So what difference does it make that he’s now 18? Why, it means he may be addressed as “Your Royal Highness.” In other respects, Britons may be surprised to find that life will go on just as before. In fact, apart from living lavishly at public cost for his entire life, young William stands to have not the tiniest tangible impact on his subjects. Why should anyone in Britain care about him–much less anyone outside Britain?
Americans ought to make it a point not to care. In a couple of weeks, we will celebrate the 224th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. Independence from what? From the British crown, that’s what. We fought a war for the inestimable privilege of not giving a rat’s bottom what is going on in the House of Windsor or any other British royal family, and I have good news: We won.
As a direct result, the future king of England has no more to do with us than the future king of Norway or the future grand duke of Luxembourg. Did you ever see the heir apparent to the grand duchy of Luxembourg on the cover of Newsweek?
But somehow the British royals are famous in spite of their insignificance. About the only work available to them is providing material for the tabloids, which they do through various sorts of scandalous and dysfunctional behavior. We are reliably informed that William has been known to take a drink and smoke the occasional cigarette, though he is believed to avoid drugs.
Given that limited information, it’s too early to tell if William will match his relatives’ record of promiscuity, mental defects and plain silliness. Luckily for Americans, we don’t have to worry, since we can always count on an endless parade of professional athletes, movie stars and Kennedys to supply news appealing to our baser instincts.
Two mysteries arise here. The first is why the British people continue to tolerate a monarchy that serves no useful purpose. It’s like carrying a mortgage on a mansion that you are not allowed to live in or rent out, only admire from a distance.
The other question is why members of the royal family participate in the charade. Being a princess obviously didn’t contribute to the happiness or well-being of William’s mother, and his father has squandered his life waiting for a job that no self-respecting person would want. The first Queen Elizabeth was a figure of great historical consequence. The second is the moral equivalent of a wax dummy.
William is being hailed as someone who could redeem the royal family in the eyes of the public. But the most valuable thing he could do is to renounce the whole absurd business and set about living something resembling a normal life.
A recent poll found that three out of four young people in Britain would rather live in a republic than a monarchy. William would be doing himself and everyone else a favor to say, “You know what? So would I.”
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E-mail: schapman@tribune.com
