NAME: Judith P. Siegel
BACKGROUND: “What Children Learn from Their Parents’ Marriage” (HarperCollins, $24) looks at family dynamics and how children form their ideas about marriage. Author Judith Siegel is an associate professor at the New York University Ehrenkranz School of Social Work and a marriage and family therapist in private practice.
Q–What do kids notice that parents don’t know they’re noticing?
A–A lot of subtle things, positive as well as negative. Children are very sensitive to their parents’ style of interaction, how they communicate affection and make decisions. When you ask children if their parents are happily married, they have very quick answers. They have a wealth of information.
Q–It doesn’t come only from the most dramatic moments, but the times in between?
A–That’s right. Those moments lay the groundwork.
Q–What about showing love?
A–When we think of love, we talk about both sexual behavior and affection. The affection component is especially important–that parents demonstrate the mutual regard they have for each other.
Q–How might they show that?
A–It comes through in tone of voice, facial expressions. In the sparkle in their eye when they pick up the phone and they know it’s their lover, that their spouse is still their lover. When parents spend time together because they enjoy each other’s company, that’s another way children see that they’re not just together because they have to be. And that they’re not only parents; their relationship is bigger than that. They have a variety of subjects that they’re able to talk about.
Q–What about the style of humor?
A–If the basic tone in a family is relaxed, open, affectionate and trusting, humor feels very different than when the tone is one of suspicion, indifference, lack of trust or sarcasm.
Q–So a pattern of disrespect would leap out at a child?
A–Parents often don’t realize that if they’re speaking to a friend about their partner, and if they say deprecating things, or if they say derogatory things to a child about the other parent, they’re communicating something the child doesn’t want to know. I appeal to parents to become more aware and thoughtful before they let that negativity out.
Q–That seems like a good idea for all concerned.
A–The kids get a model of intimacy that will prepare them to have good relationships, and the marriage itself will benefit.
Q–We don’t always know how we come across.
A–It’s frightening. A lot of my patients have memories of lying in bed as a child and quivering, listening to their parents screaming. Of course, the parents believe the kids are sleeping. I think we deceive ourselves into thinking our children are not affected.
Q–How are they affected?
A–They ask themselves: Do I want to be married? And what does marriage bring to people? In studies done of happy marriages, people often immediately say, “The greatest influence on me was my parents’ marriage. They were very happily married, and I grew up expecting the same thing, wanting it for myself.”
Q–What if they see an unhappy marriage?
A–It varies. Some people might say, “If this is what my lot in life is, I guess I have no options,” and repeat the problem. Others refuse to ever let that happen to them. They will never become like that, or at least not in that way. If their parents were vicious fighters, they say, “I’ll never fight with my spouse.” Or if there was a power imbalance, “I’ll never let a man treat me like that.”
That’s a good beginning. But unfortunately they often become hyper-reactive in the opposite way. They don’t really resolve, `Well, what’s the best way for power to be distributed? Can I be comfortable with that?’ As long as they’re reactive, the issue is likely to be a source of argument and friction.
Q–Are there a lot of models of great marriages around?
A–Very few of us come from families that were perfect. Most of us are just doing the best we can. Sometimes sitting down and being in a neutral place and reading about the kind of concepts I bring up in the book can be helpful. Then you can slowly, at your own pace, be more thoughtful about what you noticed about your parents’ marriage and what your underlying beliefs are. You might see you’re in a position that isn’t what you’d want for your kids or, most likely, for yourself. At that point, all kinds of change is possible.
Q–Should parents tell their kids marriage is the preferred state?
A–I’m going to answer that indirectly. In our society, at least in the last 50 years or so, a serious problem has been the myth of romantic love. Little girls from a very young age spend a huge amount of time dreaming about their wedding day.
But romantic love is not always possible to keep.
It’s especially difficult when people are working and raising children at the same time. A lot of people are getting divorced because they’re not able to sustain the myth.
I think the message to children should be: What are the important ways of connecting with other people? Rather than romantic love, which is not readily attainable, parents should talk about what is attainable and set examples for that.
