Welcome to this year’s holiday edition of the Media Village catalog, formerly known as TV Village: The Catalog for the Couchbound. We hope you’ll enjoy our expanded line of can’t-live-without products, and we apologize for the late arrival.
The mailing was delayed, as you’ve probably read, because of negotiations with the Justice Department after Our Founder’s brother-in-law was found to have sold the mailing list to title loan companies, militia organizations and anyone else who would pay 3 cents a name.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you and sincerely hope it won’t alter your shopping plans.
Impersonal Digital Assistant.
This significant advance in technology and decorum looks and works just like the ubiquitous Palm Pilot and Handspring units, but with an important difference. The IPDA won’t try to feign instant familiarity with you and your schedule, as if it’s known you all its life. It won’t even remember your name, calling you, instead, “buddy” or “mac.” 4MB $159. 1 MB $199.
The Video Librarian.
If you’re like most people, you’ve got dozens of videotapes around, painstakingly recorded over the years with programs you once thought you absolutely had to see. But now you can’t remember what is on them or why. This stand-alone machine, which looks like an ordinary VCR, will play back the tapes internally and analyze their signals using a patented algorithm compression ratio cross-referenced with an extensive database of television reviews. Then it decides whether, say, that “very special episode” of “Suddenly Susan” from 1998 is really worth keeping. If the answer is no, it will erase on the fly. You’ll be amazed at how you’ll suddenly be able to find blank tapes for recording this year’s crop of very special episodes. $79.
The Catalog Jockey.
Derived from the (in)famous lawn jockey, this handy media-management tool isn’t a symbol of anything but your desire to spend, spend, spend. Clutching an attractive wicker basket for storage of all the current mail-order catalogs, plus space in his outstretched little arm for the one you’re most interested in perusing, this couchside item will help you devote hours of invaluable family time to fantasies of a tastefully decorated, relentlessly organized life. Made of portable yet sturdy papier-mache. $100. Pre-Christmas special: 2 for $175.
Columnist Portraits.
Many people still have a favorite newspaper columnist. Working with artists at the Franklin Studios, we’ve developed a series of high-quality, suitable-for-framing 11-inch-by-14-inch lithographs to help you celebrate that special bond between reader and writer. Available subjects include Jimmy Breslin, David Broder, Bob Greene and even many lesser names. Order now as we expect high demand. $49 unframed. $129 framed. Also available as keychains, coffee mugs and doormats. See our Web site for more details.
Wrist Wizard.
Looking like your average forearm-mounted TV remote-control device, this ingenious and fashionable item actually performs a more vital function. As if by magic, it lets you know, with the press of a button, exactly what time it is so you won’t ever miss your favorite sitcom or radio program again. Using the attached mini-stylus, it will even let you adjust the time to compensate for such circumstances as battery failure and Daylight Savings. Be the first on your block to have this item that is sure to someday take the country by storm! $125.
The Best Internet Appliance.
Machines devoted solely to using the Web are the wave of the digital future. Our laboratories tested dozens of these new devices and determined this one was best for its screen clarity, its easy set-up and its proprietary software with a knack for finding the very hottest free pornography sites. $399.
Katherine Harris Supersize Make-Up Kit.
Girls the nation over will have hours of fun with this giant suitcase featuring the beauty products and secrets of America’s newest media darling, Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. Included is a book of style advice featuring such Harris dictums as “more is more,” “mascara, mascara, mascara,” and “when an opportunity to decide a national election on behalf of your political allies presents itself, seize it.” $40.
Fourth Down Comforter.
This luxury bedding item is specially formulated for cold winter nights and “Monday Night Football” fans, bearing a full-size, full-color imprint of your favorite team’s helmet and treated with a special formula that makes it resistant to beer and cheese-curl stains. In high-quality box-stitch with a sumptuous 80/20 goose-duck feather ratio. King size only. $180. Be sure to specify team.
Surround Speakers in Double Dolby Digital.
The latest development in home theater systems is sure to blow you right out of your seat, whether you’re watching “The Terminator” or “The Little Mermaid.” Instead of Dolby’s usual five or six speakers, this new, Double Dolby system incorporates 10-12 (you decide!) and two separate receivers. The result is living-room-shaking sound twice as good as lifelike. $1,100 and up (see Web site for specific configurations.)
Warning: Due to unusually high return rate experience, Media Village will not sell this system to married men without note of spousal approval.
Interfaith Holiday Music Collection.
Couples of different religions used to face a dilemma come December: Who gets space in the CD player? This clever compilation CD solves your problem in several ingenious ways, including Pat Boone’s rendition of “The Dreidel Song” and Barry Manilow’s “Away in a Manager.” $16.99.
Robert Downey Jr. Recovery Wagon.
This fun kid’s toy can carry all of junior’s favorite items around. And adults in the family will get months of enjoyment out of the included Robert Downey Jr. doll’s inability to stay on the wagon, thanks to its superslick plastic construction and desperate craving for cocaine. $54. Or pair it with the “Ally McBeal Meal-a-Week Kitchen Toy,” both for $90.
Shower Newspaper Companion.
Survey after survey shows that Americans love to read the newspaper in the morning but lack the time to do so. This ingenious solution, the result of years of high-tech research sponsored by the Newspaper Association of America, lets you multitask, perusing your favorite journal of opinion while lathering, rinsing and repeating. Four suction cups, a high-strength aluminum frame and nautical-grade plastic sheeting are the simple ingredients to get you started. It’s so engaging you’ll actually want to take the time to use conditioner! Please specify broadsheet or tabloid. $69. Warning: May want to point shower head down to turn page.
Antibacterial All-in-One Remote Control.
Control all your TV and stereo devices with one handy unit — and prevent disease at the same time! Special chemical treatment makes the surface of this device 72 percent less likely to harbor or pass on deadly bacterial infections. $39.
Boy/Girl Band Lyric O’ Matic.
Adorable teen popsters were the musical rage this year, and now you, too, can write radio-friendly songs for them with this simple-to-use software program. For example, in the category “Love Songs,” choose one phrase from each of these two categories, and you are on your way: (1.) a. Oh baby. b. Ooh baby. c. Baby baby. d. Ooh, oh, baby baby; (2.) a. Do me again. b. Do me, baby. c. Do me do me now. d. I’m your dog in heat, baby. $49.
Double-Foot Professional Scooter.
Those ubiquitous scooters, soon to be a fixture at suburban garage sales, are great. They’re air-conditioned and portable and just plain fun! But they tie up both of your hands. Our improvement on the technology places one mini-scooter, shoelike, on each foot, leaving your hands free for pushing Walkman buttons, clutching lampposts to keep from falling, etc. These are not, contrary to scurrilous gossip in the catalog industry, simply our in-line skate overstock repainted and renamed. Unisex sizes 5-12. Women order one size smaller. $129/pair.
Tim Russert Brand Dry-Erase Board.
The first in the line of office products coming from the NBC pundit, this handy gadget lets you keep your own running tallies at home, whether of consecutive days your husband has left the toilet seat up or how many more dollars you need to start a new life. Pens not included. $30.
`Sex and the City’s’ Guide to Male Sexuality.
This CD-Rom will help you navigate the minefield of modern dating. Among the optimistic gems derived from the hit HBO series: “The only good man is a married man.” “Single men are either jerks or perverts or perverted jerks.” “Any single guy who isn’t a jerk or a pervert probably doesn’t measure up.” $35.
