Summertime and the livin’ is . . . well, with all due respect to the brothers Gershwin, the summer is not always an easy time. There are all manner of seasonal problems to contend with: bugs, sunburn, traffic jams, out-of-control skaters, losing baseball teams. So, here is some helpful advice that might make the season more enjoyable. Let us begin with such really important matters as. . .
1) HOW TO MAKE A GREAT MARGARITA
The origins of this drink are buried in the hangovers of history. Was it invented by Danny Negrete, the manager of a Mexican hotel, who was trying to please a girlfriend with a fondness for salt? Was it first served by American socialite Margarita Sames to the guests at her house in Acapulco?
We may never know, but in the foreword to “The Great Margarita Book” (Ten Speed Press), we can learn that Robert Redford “once had a margarita in Westport, Conn., and threw up an hour later.” This did not make him swear off margaritas. He remains a fan, writing: “What constitutes a truly great margarita is not easy to define. It is at once elusive and forgiving.” After much fieldwork, during which we encountered all sorts of chic, flavored and frothy variations of the drink (without suffering, thank goodness, a fate similar to Redford’s in Westport), we have decided to offer what we modestly call the Official Trib Mag Margarita Recipe:
2 ounces fresh lime juice (2 or 3 limes)
2 ounces triple sec (or Cointreau)
2 ounces tequila (gold)
1/2 ounce tequila (white)
Saucer of kosher salt
1 lime slice
Make a wedge from one of the limes, cut a slice into it and run the edge around the rim of a glass. Dip wet rim in salt. Fill a shaker with broken ice cubes and add the remaining ingredients. Shake well. Pour drink through strainer into the salt-rimmed glass. Garnish with the lime slice. Drink.
2) HOW TO PLAY HOOKY CONVINCINGLY
A cautionary tale: One of Mike Royko’s assistants once called in sick. The columnist was sympathetic until the phone rang at noon.
“Hello,” said Royko.
“Yeh, is [name withheld to protect the guilty] there?” asked the caller.
“No,” said Royko. “Any message?”
“Tell him to call me right away,” said the caller. “I can’t remember if I’m supposed to meet him at Gate 4 or 3 at Wrigley and the game starts in an hour.”
“Oh, I’ll be sure to tell him,” said Royko.
The moral: If you’re playing hooky, make sure you let your companions in on it.
Also, try to call with your excuse before your boss gets to the office. Also, beware the sunburn, a next-day giveaway.
Also, the nicer the day, the more creative the excuse: “Food poisoning” won’t cut it.
Neither will this one, actually attempted by a newspaper writer: “I won’t be in today.”
“Why not? Are you sick?”
“No. Religious reasons. I’m a sun worshiper.”
3) HOW TO GET ON TV DURING BASEBALL TELECASTS
Arne Harris, who directed Cubs games for more than two decades, was famous for his “hat shots,” and wearing an interesting or unusual hat can still get you some TV face time between the on-field action.
But there are other things you can do.
A television cameraman, who understandably requested anonymity, gave us this scoop: “Women who wear low-cut or revealing outfits have a very good chance of making it into a shot. It’s a sexist thing, but anyone who watches the games on TV will tell you how important it is to have a pretty face and a fit body. If you’re a woman who really wants to get on TV, dress for the game like you’d dress for the beach.
“Having cute kids with you won’t hurt either, and sometimes a creative sign will attract the cameras. But, I’ll tell you, the halter top rules.”
Warning: Do not employ any of these methods if you are attempting No. 2.
4) HOW TO HIT A 16-INCH SOFTBALL
“Sweet Al” Placek has been playing 16-inch softball for most of his life. At 49 he still plays four times a week. He has played everywhere, but mostly at such places as Portage Park, Merrimac Park, Indian Road Woods, Lake Shore Park and Majewski Metro Park in Mt. Prospect. He has played for such teams as the Playboys, 45s, Runts, Ducks, the Vets, Aces and Risk, and against such softball legends as (first names unnecessary) Zolna, Royko, Tallo, Beetlebomb, Debat and Weigel.
Though he claims to be best known as an excellent defensive wizard, “a vacuum cleaner,” he offers this offensive advice.
* Find a bat you like (not too heavy, not too light). Not everyone can swing a 38-ounce deBeer Clincher Gold.
* Don’t move around in the batter’s box. Get set. Back foot firmly planted. Hands together. Back elbow up. Be ready to hit the first good pitch. Only the mailman walks.
* Keep your eye on the ball. Take a level swing. Don’t go reaching. Hit the ball with the “fat” part of the bat (the barrel). Use good bat speed. Put some “oomph” into it; if you hit it hard, that’s where we get the expression “break some fingers.”
* Follow through after you make contact. Aim for the pitcher’s head!
5) HOW TO GROW THE PERFECT TOMATO
Indeed, there may be many of you who grow tomatoes not to eat but to win prizes. The biggest winner is a man named Gordon Graham. He lived and gardened in Edmond, Okla., where in 1987 he got himself and his 7-pound, 12-ounce tomato into the Guinness Book of Records.
Those less ambitious (or crazy) can follow a few simple rules, which your local garden center will happily supply.
But here is a bold tip from Graham, in the November 1995 edition of Organic Gardening: “Prune well and pluck wisely!” Allow just a single main stem and pick off all but a couple of tomatoes, forcing the plant to devote all its energies to those fruits.
6) THINGS TO DO AT THE STATE FAIR
These tips are courtesy of Lorna Propes, of the law firm of Propes & Kaveny. Also a member of the Illinois Racing Board, she has attended the fair each year for more than a decade.
* Milk a cow at the Dairy Barn: “Real cow, real milk, a hands-on experience that city kids won’t forget.”
* Sleepy Hollow Midway: “Old-fashioned carnival rides. Perfect evening activity before or after the big show at the grandstand.”
* Grand Circuit harness racing: “The best harness horses on the world’s fastest track. Don’t forget to tour the backside, see the picturesque old barns and visit with friendly, colorful horsemen.”
* Food: “Ray’s Lemon Shake Ups, Tom Thumb Donuts and, always, Fred’s for breakfast. It’s open all night long, has great eggs.”
* The very best thing to do at the fair: “Walk through the barns at night and watch the families preparing their animals for the next day’s shows–caring for them, grooming them. See the ease with which even the youngest children shear sheep and goats, herd pigs, groom horses. It is a culture that city kids (and adults) have never seen and it is amazing to see children exhibiting the level of responsibility, competence and pride in a family business that is both their livelihood and a competitive enterprise. It’s great.”
7) HOW TO GET (AND KEEP) A SEAT AT AN OUTDOOR CAFE
Since the city formally approved of outdoor cafes in 1985, they have been sprouting like prairie wildflowers. There are nearly 500 of them now and all of them seem to be jammed. Maybe being in the company of Russell Crowe or Julia Roberts would help secure a spot.
“That would almost certainly get you a table,” said Steve Pehrson, the general manager of Carmine’s, a popular Rush Street spot with about a dozen outdoor tables. “But stars that big don’t want the attention. The only people who do are stars on the way down.”
So, if you aren’t in the company of Scott Baio or Charo, how are you supposed to get a seat?
“It sounds really corny, but just being nice goes a long way,” says Pehrson. Being attractive doesn’t hurt. “And neither does becoming a regular who tips decently.”
OK, that’s getting a table. What about keeping one? “Just pace yourself,” says Pehrson. “Don’t think you can sit there and sip a beer for three hours. Order, order, order.”
8) HOW TO CHEAT AT GOLF
Of course, you would never think of it. But even the great Arnold Palmer said: “I have a tip that can take five strokes off your game. It’s called an eraser.”
Shaving strokes, taking mulligans and accepting two-foot gimmes are all commonly accepted practices in friendly games. But a book titled “Golf Dirty Tricks: 50 Ways to Lie, Cheat, and Steal Your Way to Victory” offers all sorts of other methods to lower your score.
Here is Dirty Trick No. 48: “Offer to drive your opponent to the golf course. When you pick him up, make sure he’s safely inside the car, buckling his seat belt, before loading his clubs into your trunk. Then, quietly remove the putter and nine-iron from his bag. Leave them both on his front lawn. Drive away.”
9) HOW TO BUILD A SAND CASTLE
All sorts of advice is available. We found the following to be the most sensible, written by Lea Jacobson for eHow. Before beginning, these are things you’ll need, depending on how ambitious you are: buckets of various sizes with the bottoms cut off, a shovel, a ruler and sculpting tools, such as dull knives.
Draw a rough sketch of the castle.
Choose a square site near the water, but not so close that waves will destroy your castle as the tide comes up. Make sure the square is large enough for your castle plans.
Dig a hole down to the water table, where the sand is dark and moist, or bring up large buckets of water from the ocean or lake.
Scoop wet sand onto the center of the work area. Work fast so the sand stays wet.
Build towers by forming and stacking sand patties about the size and shape of thick pancakes. Place larger patties on the bottom, and gently shake the patties from side to side as you pile them so that the sand settles. Seal your towers by gently pouring water over them.
Build walls to connect the towers of your castle by jiggling–gently shaking from side to side–wet sand into brick shapes and laying them on top of each other.
Carve the towers and the walls into shapes using such tools as a small trowel, a putty knife or plastic utensils.
Dig a moat around the castle to protect it from invaders.
10) HOW TO CATCH A FIREFLY
The great, playful poet Ogden Nash wrote a poem about this most luminescent of insects: “The firefly’s flame/Is something for which science has no name/I can think of nothing eerier/Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a person’s posterior.”
Cute. Science did come up with a name; fireflies (or fire beetles) go by the family name Lampyridae. Their light is caused by a complex chemical reaction. The reasons: It’s a means for boys to meet girls; a keep-away message to other animals; and a sign of distress or danger.
The best time to see them is at night, of course, in July and August. Catch them in your hands, while being careful not to crush them. Place them in a clear glass jar, which you should cover by means of cheesecloth and a rubber band. Take them inside and turn out all the lights and observe for a while. Then take them outside and let them go.
Even these most humble little beasts have the right to enjoy a warm summer night.
