After two broken engagements, Alison Boynton began to think she might never find the right man to share a close emotional bond and start a family. So the 31-year-old elementary school teacher, who views being a mother as more important than getting married, stopped looking for a mate and prepared to raise a child alone.
Next year, when she has saved enough money and moved to her own home, the Cincinnati resident plans to adopt a baby.
“It’s just time,” Boynton said. “You have to be responsible for your life and do everything you can to be happy. I know that being a mother would bring me the greatest joy.”
In the past 10 years, a growing number of single women over 30 have given birth or adopted. Some consciously chose to become mothers, such as Boynton, while others opted to keep their babies after an accidental pregnancy. These women had a strong desire for a child–despite not having found their perfect partner–and they heard the swift ticking of their biological clocks.
“They’re not ready to be married and they haven’t found the person they match up with. They’re just not willing to postpone the pleasure of parenthood,” said Walter Smitson, psychiatry professor at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center who has spoken about older single mothers at national health conferences. “Their maternal instinct is strong and they feel, once they’re over 30, they’re mature enough to do it on their own.”
Data from the National Center for Health Statistics shows that the number of babies born to single women over 30 has grown from about 170,000 in 1990 to nearly 200,000 in 1999.
While the number of births to unmarried women has increased from about one in 10 in 1970 to one in three today, the number of older single women having babies is also rising. Thirty years ago, 18 percent of babies born outside of marriage were to women 25 and older. Today, that number stands at 34 percent, according to a report from Child Trends, a non-profit research organization based in Washington, D.C.
Although single mothers have been raising children alone for years, “the difference today is that women are making a conscious decision to raise a child by themselves as opposed to having it thrust upon them because of death, divorce or abandonment,” said Kim Gandy, executive vice president of the National Organization for Women.
Kathy Fox, 42, spent two years deciding to become a single mother before adopting her daughter, Grace, from China in April 2000.
“I had always wanted to be a mom, but hadn’t found a man to be the right dad,” the Oak Park resident said.
She decided to adopt rather than give birth because she did not want to have artificial insemination or meet a man simply to have a baby.
“I just felt there would be other children out there who would be wonderful to have in my life,” she said.
Therapists and doctors point to several factors that have contributed to the increase in the number of single women who choose to become mothers. As the traditional definition of family has changed within the past 20 years, society has become more accepting of single mothers, they say. Celebrities such as television personality Rosie O’Donnell and actresses Calista Flockhart and Camryn Manheim also have helped erase stigmas surrounding single mothers by publicizing their decisions to adopt or give birth.
“People are talking about it more. Women are feeling more comfortable with themselves as far as their ability to handle a family without a husband,” said Michael Halpern, an obstetrician/gynecologist at Prentice Women’s Hospital and Maternity Center at Northwestern Memorial Hospital who has helped about a dozen single women over 30 give birth in the last year.
The right timing
More women today choose to postpone marriage and parenthood in favor of their careers, psychiatrists say. By the time they reach their late 30s and early 40s, many of these women have successful jobs and are financially stable. They also feel independent enough to be a parent alone.
“In past generations, many women were willing to settle for a relationship without much chemistry but it was a man to raise a family with,” Smitson said. “Many women now say they’re just not as prone to get married in order to have a kid as their mothers or grandmothers were.”
When they are younger, women don’t always plan to become single mothers, therapists say. As women age, some become more invested in their careers and some have relationships that don’t work out.
When they find themselves nearing the end of their childbearing years, single women who want children realize time is running short.
“It’s more about reviewing their life in their late 30s and saying, `How would I be if I didn’t have children?'” said Beth Katz, a psychotherapist at Womencare Counseling Center in Evanston who has worked with single women who want to become mothers. “What they’re trying to do is renegotiate their dreams.”
As they do, single women must make sure they are emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially able to care for a baby, she said.
Possible downsides
Becoming a single parent often has disadvantages, researchers say. Studies that compare children from two-parent families and those from single-parent families show that children who do not grow up with their fathers tend to have problems academically, show emotional or behavioral problems, be more likely to have sex as teenagers and have children out of wedlock and be at a higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, said Bridget Maher, marriage and family policy analyst for the non-partisan, non-profit Family Research Council in Washington, D.C.
Women who choose to become single mothers are “looking out for themselves but they’re not looking out for the good of the child,” said Maher.
“Having a child will satisfy their maternal desires, but they need to look beyond that and say, `Is this the best environment to raise a child?’ From all the research, we know it’s not,” Maher said. “Children need a father who is present, who is there for them and who is going to give them unconditional love.”
But some mothers, including Fox, feel confident they made the right decision in starting families.
After the adoption, Fox took three months off from her job in marketing at IBM. Nowadays, she works out of her home, but is too busy with her job to care for a baby during the day. So Grace goes to a home day-care five days a week.
Fox attends a monthly support group at The Cradle, an adoption agency based in Evanston, where she meets other women who have adopted babies internationally. And a year after the adoption, Fox said she would do it all again.
Sources of support
A critical element is a support network, many single mothers say. Jane Mattes, author of “Single Mothers by Choice,” became pregnant accidentally in 1980 and chose to keep her baby when she realized it might be her only chance to become a mother. Soon after Mattes’ son was born, the 37-year-old new mother formed a support group of eight single mothers because she wanted to meet other women in her situation.
Today, Single Mothers by Choice is an international group with more than 4,000 members who receive support and advice. Mattes’ son just finished his junior year of college and is working as an intern in computer programming at Columbia University this summer.
“You need to know you’re not doing this on an island,” Mattes said. “Women should ask themselves if they can tap into a support system so that they are able to count on support when they need it.”
Nancy Floy, 43, an acupuncturist from Evanston, plans to rely on her friends, family and church members for help if she gives birth. Floy, a single lesbian woman, miscarried twins last fall after carrying one for eight weeks and the other for 12 weeks. Soon after, her partner of four years decided to leave the relationship.
As she grieved the loss of her babies and her partner, Floy realized she still wanted to be a mother.
“I don’t have a lot of time. I can’t wait for a partner and I don’t feel like I need one,” she said. “I thought I had the perfect relationship and it didn’t work out. It doesn’t make me not want to be a mom.”
Floy read several books about being a single mother and attended a support group at Womencare before a second attempt at artificial insemination with an anonymous donor, which happened at the end of May. She does not yet know the result. If it fails, Floy plans to adopt a baby.
“I’ve lived life very fully and I want to settle down, put down roots. I know I would be a great mom,” she said. “It will be the biggest, hardest thing I’ve ever done–and I’m so ready for it.”
Ways to ease the transition
Single women who are considering parenthood should weigh several factors, such as their health, finances and support system, before deciding to raise a child alone, therapists say.
A strong support system is one of the most important needs of single mothers, several therapists and mothers who have raised children alone said.
“There’s enormous emotional drainage that comes from being a parent,” said Walter Smitson, psychiatry professor at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center who has worked with single women who want to become mothers.
Several support groups and agencies can counsel women who are thinking about becoming single mothers. Here are three of them:
– Single Mothers by Choice, founded by Jane Mattes, can be reached through the Web site www.singlemothersbychoice.com. Mattes also wrote a book, “Single Mothers by Choice” (Times Books, $15), available in most bookstores.
– Womencare Counseling Center in Evanston offers counseling individually or in groups to women facing life changes such as a new baby. The center can be reached at 800-240-8899.
– The Cradle, an agency based in Evanston, helps people adopt children internationally and within the United States. It can be reached at 847-475-5800 or www.cradle.org.
— Maura Kelly
