Name: Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer
Background: “Raising Confident Girls” and “Raising Confident Boys” (Fisher, $12.50 each) list 100 strategies for parents and teachers to use to build confidence in children. Author Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer frequently writes on parenting topics and conducts workshops on motivating children.
Q–What is confidence?
A–You can have a confidence about doing things–you feel competent, you feel effective, you know you can manage most things that come your way–but there’s also social confidence. You need both.
Social confidence means that because you’re happy about yourself, you’re happy to go out there and believe that other people are going to like you. Confidence is very tied up with self-esteem.
Q–It’s not the same as surface courage, really. It’s more what you do with assurance even without thinking about it.
A–Some people, if they don’t have inner confidence, will achieve all sorts of things but still not really believe that they’re good enough. They can be on a treadmill of achievement and unhappy and ultimately burn out.
Q–Confidence is a deep-down belief that you’re good enough?
A–Absolutely. I think it is very important for parents to be aware that when a child has an achievement, even if it’s not “the best,” it’s still an achievement and it’s good enough, at least for a while. Allow children to enjoy their success before putting another hoop in their way to jump through.
Q–Where does confidence come from?
A–Children get their feelings about themselves from the adults they spend time with. If parents don’t take a child out in public because they fear the child is going to act up, disgrace them, then the child will not learn social skills and develop social confidence. When a child gets older, teachers and friends play a big part. Peers are very important, but if a child has internal strength, then he can weather friends’ going hot and cold on him.
Q–Do you think confidence is genetic?
A–I think some of it we’re born with. But it can be broken down by circumstances, by undermining, by traumas. Or it can be nurtured. Confidence is built up when parents spend time with a child, sending messages that she is likable, fun to be with, her views are worth listening to, her skills useful, that kind of thing.
Q–What do you think of the sink-or-swim approach if a child is scared of something?
A–Men are the worst offenders there. A child is afraid of the dark, so they make sure all the lights are off to get them used to it. But what matters ultimately is that inner voice. If parents don’t change that inner voice, whatever the child manages to do won’t help them.
Q–Why did you write one book about boys, one about girls?
A–Boys and girls thrive on the same kinds of messages and experiences, but they have different vulnerabilities and different ways of processing messages. Research has shown that girls have a natural dip in confidence when they reach the age of 14, and that’s the age when boys’ self-esteem and confidence are highest. Girls are probably more vulnerable to peer pressure and comments about their bodies than boys, so that’s an extra burden that they have.
Q–I often hear boys’ self-esteem is more fragile than girls’. Is that true?
A–It’s the conclusion I came to, even though boys have that front of confidence and bravura. Boys cut themselves off from themselves more than girls do. They are told not to feel, not to fail, not to be too soft, so they separate their thinking self from their feeling self. Girls are able to hold themselves together much better.
We also know that boys are restless in the womb, they’re born more active, they are less well coordinated physically than girls, and their verbal skills develop later than girls’ do. This means that they are more clumsy, can’t defend themselves as well because they don’t have the verbal skills, and so they will tend to strike out more than girls who can explain their way out of things. This can lead to their being criticized more and not treated as tenderly and carefully as girls are.
Q–What should a parent be on the lookout for with boys?
A–You have to cut down on the criticism and the nagging and be as positive and encouraging as possible. Praise boys for their feelings and their kindness as much as for their strength and competence. We need to see our sons as whole human beings, take their worries seriously, and accept that they do function differently.
Most boys, when they’re young, find it hard to concentrate. They can’t sit still, so they need tasks to be given to them in much smaller chunks and to get little rewards more quickly. Girls tend to be able to defer rewards, defer gratification. We need to accept that boys need a little more support in their learning.
Q–What about building on small successes?
A–It’s very important when children are anxious to put them in charge. There’s a great tendency for parents to take over, but actually the more fragile a child, the more that child needs to be in control. If they’re allowed to proceed when they decide they feel safe, that reduces the chance of failure, so less chance of criticism.
Q–What else can parents do?
A–Although you don’t want your children to grow up being rude to adults, you really do have to listen when they want to say no or criticize you. You have to validate their view of the world. For me, this is absolutely important. How they see things is a reflection of themselves, and if you don’t acknowledge that their way of looking at things is OK, they can’t trust themselves. My dictionary says confidence is “an assured trust, a firm expectation.” It’s about trusting the world and trusting yourself.
Q–Acknowledging the child’s point of view doesn’t mean you do what the child wants to do.
A–That’s right. If you want to say no, you could say, “I know you’re not going to like this, but I don’t want X to happen.” So at least you’re acknowledging how they’re seeing things. Another thing is, children sometimes want to take on more responsibility than parents are ready to give. It’s really important to give them something symbolic of their growing trustworthiness if you can’t give them the one thing they’ve asked for.
You might say, “I don’t want you going off to the mall by yourself yet, but I’m happy to have you go to the store on the corner,” or something like that. You give something that confirms them in their view that they’re now ready to move on.
Q–So “no” isn’t necessarily the end of the discussion?
A–Some parents pride themselves on saying “no” because their view of being a good parent is to keep their children safe, and they don’t encourage the independence that is so crucial. Overprotective parents are not protecting their children; they’re cutting their legs off. Developing confidence and independence is done bit by bit. You have to trust children, and you have to let them go.
