Don’t hate Julie Russo when you hear this. But the 24-year-old Chicagoan has been done with her Christmas shopping since November.
Holiday gift-buying is usually “a pain” for Russo. But this year is different. “Everything that has happened in the aftermath of [Sept.] 11th has thrown me into Christmas mode. This year [holiday shopping] has been a welcome distraction.”
Married or single, Jewish, Muslim or Christian, even in good times, the holidays are stressful for women, who tend to overextend themselves in an effort to make everything perfect. But with airline anxiety, mail complications and job insecurity, experts say this year the holiday-time tension is likely to be even more acute.
“Even if there is not more pressure, I do think there is more intensity of feeling for women this year,” says Dr. Bennett Leventhal, vice chairman of psychiatry at the University of Chicago.
Women who typically worry about gaining holiday weight, keeping gift-crazed kids grounded and finding time to deck the halls may feel all of that in addition to having new reasons to keep spending in check and peak travel to a minimum.
Some women are coping, like Russo, by being organized, planning ahead and taking pleasure in simple tasks. Others are eating an extra pound of holiday fudge, or forgoing their workouts in order to go to just one more store to find that perfect gift. Before you go hoarse learning lyrics for a family singalong, try an adaptation of a classic and instead consider these 12 ways to survive the days of Christmas:
1. Enjoy the season. Ruth Sexton works for a Washington, D.C.-based non-profit focusing on America-Middle East relations. Her response to the considerable stresses at her office this year is to live it up.
“I’m going to share more of my bounty with others, celebrate harder and longer. There, take that, bin Laden,” says Sexton, 54. Her holiday fever has been contagious. A Christmas cactus in her office has been renamed the Ramadan cactus, because it started blooming early, resulting in a lot of fun sharing different traditions among staffers. And Sexton’s not worried about post-holiday letdown. “That’s one of the reasons I enjoy it. If we did this all year, it would not be special.”
2. Reinforce ritual. If you were already skittish about air travel, the idea of the annual plane trip to Grandma’s may seem like the last thing you want to put your kids through. But Richard Macur Brousil, a psychologist and director of the child and adolescent behavior program at Mt. Sinai Hospital in Chicago, says a dramatic change–such as a cross-country road trip rather than a quick plane ride–may underscore recent events rather than alleviate anxiety.
“For most people, the more familiar thing is best. In this situation, it makes more sense to talk about it, acknowledge that you are nervous this year, and then do it,” he says. “Kids know your routine. A long car trip increases the unfamiliar,” not to mention exponentially adds to the number of times you’ll hear, “Are we there yet?”
3. Befriend your budget. Beverly Stotz, a 33-year-old stay-at-home mom in Crystal Lake, buys gifts for a mind-boggling 18 kids–her own three, plus 15 nieces, nephews and kids of her friends. She set a spending limit–$15 to $20 per child–because this year she’s worried about layoffs at her husband’s firm and nationwide. To make sure she doesn’t break her own rules, Stotz shops alone. “I’m much more logical when I’m by myself. When I’m with other people, I get caught up in spending money because it feels good and then I’ve spent too much.”
In addition to checking sales and using coupons, Stotz also reminds herself that little price increases add up. “If I go and spend $5 or $10 extra on every child, that’s a lot in the long run,” she says.
The bright side to the recession mindset this year has been that sales have started earlier. While Stotz hasn’t reduced the amount spent as a result, she has been able to buy nicer gifts than she would at regular prices.
4. Take it one meal at a time. Almost everyone eats too much this month. While you don’t want to gain the seasonal seven (that’s the amount of weight an average person gains each yuletide, according to a study from Roanoke College in Salem, Va.), it’s important to keep some perspective. If you overdo it with the eggnog and Christmas cookies at one party, don’t consider the whole month shot. Just start again tomorrow with your regular meal, says Ann Lombardo, community director for WeightWatch-ers.com.
If you stay plugged into the things that help you eat sensibly all year–be it a support system of dieters, a fridge stocked with veggies or regular trips to the gym–you “are not going to go totally out of orbit.”
5. Take care of yourself. If you are trying to meet deadlines at work, decorate the tree, bake cookies, sew the kids’ elf costumes and still get a few hours sleep, something’s gotta give. But Lombardo says that one thing shouldn’t be your workout. Even if the only exercise you can fit in is a walk to the grocery store, do that instead of hopping in the car.
“It is not just about getting fit, but all the benefits of exercise,” she says. “It is not just about losing weight, but producing endorphins, which are natural antidepressants.”
If worrying about your weight feels trite in the face of national crisis, Lombardo suggests thinking of it as taking care of yourself now, so others won’t have to later.
“Who knows if I’m going to have to go down 100 flights of steps at some point,” she says. “But I want to be able to do it.”
6. Share the wealth, or lack thereof. Living in San Francisco–practically the epicenter of the dot-com layoff–all but two of Charlotte Milan’s friends are currently unemployed.
“A few of us were having dinner at my house, all saying we didn’t know how we were going to afford Christmas this year,” Milan, 26, remembers. The group decided to go with a Secret Santa plan, and threw names in a hat, with each one picking the one friend for whom they’d buy a gift this year.
They set their gift-giving limit at $50–generous enough that they could foot the bill for “little luxuries we became accustomed to, but could no longer afford, like a facial, manicure, pedicure or gift certificate to a restaurant.”
Milan’s friends were so excited about the idea, and the potluck dinner they’ll have to exchange the gifts, that she suggested a similar plan to her family. With graduate school tuition and other bills, they were more than willing, so Milan’s credit cards are only facing two gift purchases this year.
7. Know your limits. If you and your sister haven’t been able to pass the 48-hour mark without a fight since you ran over her Ken doll with your Barbie convertible, don’t schedule a weeklong visit.
Dr. Domeena C. Renshaw, professor of psychiatry at Loyola University Chicago, suggests keeping “the duration of your visit within what you can endure before a toxic level is reached.” If you go home before a fight starts, everyone will still be good friends with good memories for next year.
8. Get a room. Lombardo adds to Renshaw’s advice and suggests everyone stay at a hotel when they visit out-of-town relatives. Some rates are discounted this year, thanks to the travel slump, and the extra bed can give you the benefit of a good night’s sleep and a little time apart. Lombardo says kids typically enjoy the hotel lifestyle, especially when it includes a swimming pool or a game room.
9. Make the switch. If Hanukkah just wouldn’t be the same without potato pancakes, but you can’t bear the thought of frying up a family feast in that much oil, ask an expert to slim down your favorite recipes. WeightWatchers.com is just one Web site that offers substitution suggestions.
Jyl Steinback, author of “Superfoods: Cook Your Way to Health” and seven other cookbooks, suggests cutting the fat, but not the flavor, by adding a tablespoon of nonfat dried milk to skim milk until it becomes thick and rich.
10. Show, don’t shop. The impulse to make the holidays super-special is strong for most parents this year. But buying stuff just reinforces immediate gratification for kids, says Mt. Sinai’s Brousil. Instead of compensating with that extra “Monsters, Inc.” action figure, take an extra afternoon off and spend it with your kids.
“The kids do not have to know, `Because of 9/11, I took an extra three days off.’ They’ll just appreciate it,” he says.
Stotz has planned more craft projects for her kids to do and give as gifts this year, something she thinks will help instill the practice of giving, but also will be a fun family activity.
11. Get help. For some, the stress of the holidays can contribute to anxiety, depression and other serious illnesses. Brousil and Leventhal both recommend talking to someone before your panic gets to that point. It doesn’t have to be a therapist, but just a friend, family member, spouse or co-worker who will take time to listen to you. A little planning can help prevent feelings of resentment, frustration and exhaustion, they say. Kids, husbands and boyfriends can help with many of the chores that fall to women, but many supermoms are afraid to ask.
“Set goals not in quantity, `Did I bake 400 dozen cookies?’ but in quality. `Was everyone satisfied?’ ” Leventhal suggests.
12. Be realistic. When his clients start to stress about not having time to make a Christmas ham, turkey and goose, Brousil advises them to consider the expectations of their loved ones. Often, it is only the hostess who really cares if she has the mostest. Brousil thinks most guests don’t even notice–much less insist–that everything is Martha Stewart perfect. So, instead of trying to do it all, do the things that are really important and forget about the hand-stenciled place cards.
Remember Leventhal’s axiom: “Do not be too ambitious. This is a holiday, not a competition.”
