It’s unfair to prolong America’s agony over whether or not “Nightline” with Ted Koppel will survive, and over what channel we have to watch to see David Letterman.
There’s a quick, easy way out for us all. ABC can get its mitts on Dave without suffering the stigma of canceling a respected news show. (Assuming there is a stigma attached to canceling a respected news show). CBS can keep “The Late Show” as its late-night flagship while unburdening itself of its deeply, or at least loudly, unhappy host.
Trade Dave for Ted. Straight up.
Works for sports teams and it’ll work here. Do the deal and the next night Ted shows up as the host on “The Late Show” and Dave takes over the anchor duties on “Nightline.”
Imagine the heft Ted Koppel would bring to “The Late Show.” In the opening monologue tired cracks about actors and jocks would be replaced by fresh wit about WTO admissions requirements, Robert Mugabe’s campaign tactics and BLM mineral extraction royalty rates.
The Top Ten List would acquire a vast new scope. Imagine “The Top Ten Arguments Against the Death Penalty.” (No. 6 — It applies to gun-related deaths but not HMO cost-containment-related deaths.) And, of course, Koppel’s journalistic ethics require balance, so there would also have to be “The Top Ten Arguments in Favor of the Death Penalty.” (No. 1 — Two words: Organ harvesting.)
Then there’d be Stupid Historian Tricks: Joseph Ellis comes out and claims he is the combat commander that Mel Gibson’s character in “We Were Soldiers” is based on, and that he is Mel Gibson. Doris Kearns Goodwin comes out and plagiarizes a plagiarized paragraph from an old Alex Haley book. Stephen Ambrose comes out and plagiarizes the plagiarized plagiarized paragraph from Goodwin. And all three bits are replayed in comic slo-mo.
Koppel would not do rote celebrity plug-the-product interviews. He’d maneuver Keanu Reeves into doing a serious analysis of OMB’s budget projections. Confront Miramax honcho Harvey Weinstein with video-taped evidence of him bribing and blackmailing Oscar voters. Reason Madonna into giving a detailed, accurate account of her energy policy meetings with Dick Cheney.
The Ted Koppel-Paul Schaefer chemistry would be — right, it might be best if CBS made Paul a throw-in and sent him over to ABC with Dave.
The point is, with Koppel hosting, “The Late Show” would address political, military, economic, scientific, sociological and theological topics that till now have been the exclusive province of “The Simpsons” and “South Park.”
Meanwhile, over at Disneyvision: David Letterman starts by making ABC buy him his own theater because he knows what “Nightline” needs is a band and a live studio audience.
Like Koppel, Letterman would trot the globe to do interviews with world leaders. But in his own way: Letterman would ring Jacques Chirac’s doorbell and try to sell him aluminum siding for the Elysee Palace.
Letterman would follow “Nightline’s” strict format but have fun with it. He’d lighten up his introductory exposition each night by letting Paul banter about, say, those crazy cats on the House Ways and Means Committee.
During the taped background report that sets up each night’s topic, Letterman would freeze-frame the reporter’s tape and conduct multiple-choice quizzes: In this picture (a) A whale is being harpooned by a scientific researcher; (b) A whale is being harpooned by a scientific restaurateur; (c) A whale is being harpooned in a pond at a commercial hunting lodge in Texas; (d) Ted Kennedy is receiving liposuction.
For the talking-head analysis discussions that close each show Letterman wouldn’t call only on distinguished academics, retired assistant secretaries of state, erudite columnists and impeccably rehearsed political flacks. He’d have invented experts like Larry “Bud” Melman go head-to-head with them.
Letterman also would have fantasy flashbacks triggered by key phrases. During a discussion of term limits Letterman would drift off and imagine Jay Leno being required to give up “The Tonight Show” after reaching the legal maximum of eight seasons in Johnny’s chair.
So come on, CBS and ABC. Get on the phone and get it done. This trade is good for both teams. And great for the fans.
