One word: Enough. Enough with the e-mail and the phone calls. I go 5-8-1 picking against the spread my first time out of the cage and suddenly I’m Public Enemy No. 1? Please.
Let’s take a memo and pin it to our shirts: “Whizzer is a dog who picks NFL games, albeit a dog who refers to himself in the third person.” And you don’t kick a dog when he’s down. Come to think of it, don’t kick a dog ever. Unless it’s Lassie. Then punt and let your defense win the field position game. Collies can’t catch and little Joe throws like a girl.
So yes, I get it. I hurt you, but it hurt me more. My Liquid Lock trickled into the gutter last week as I took the Bills and gave a touchdown. The Bills being the Bills misunderstood my memo and won by seven points. When nobody wins, everybody loses. Hope you curbed that animal, too. I took Dallas and gave two points. Seattle took the game, 17-14. Then I took a brick and threw it through my TV and blamed the cat.
But you get bucked off a horse. What do you do? That’s right. You trade that sucker in and get a car, maybe a nice mid-size with low miles. On to the picks.
Bye week: Carolina, Denver, Kansas City, New Orleans
Philadelphia (5-2) at
Chicago (2-5)
Time & TV: Noon, Fox
Head to head: Bears lead 24-6-1.
Watch your step: These two teams took separate paths after the Eagles knocked the Bears out of the playoffs last year. Philly has scored in 24 of 28 quarters and a 6-2 start would be its best since 1996.
Keep scratching: Jim Miller or Chris Chandler? Chris Chandler or Jim Miller? Chris Miller or Jim Chandler? The correct answer is “Byron Leftwich” (right).
Glantz & Culver say: Eagles by 6
Over/Under: 47
The final shake: Eagles cover, Bears take cover.
LIQUID LOCK
Cincinnati (0-7) at
Houston (2-5)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 0-0.
Watch your step: Granted he is a rookie (and will be for nine more games), but David Carr has hit for 669 yards, three TDs and no INTs in the past three games.
Keep scratching: The Bengals guaranteed a win! THE BENGALS!
Glantz & Culver say: Texans by 3
Over/Under: 37
The final shake: The only thing bigger than Texas are the fairy tale dreams in Cincinnati. We take the Texans.
CURB THAT ANIMAL
Jacksonville (3-4) at
N.Y. Giants (3-4)
Time & TV: 7:30 p.m., ESPN
Head to head: Series tied 1-1.
Watch your step: The Giants’ O averages 332.6 yards a game, the Jaguars 332.9 yards. But the Jags are plus-4 in turnovers; the Giants are minus-5.
Keep scratching: DE Michael Strahan has sacks against 44 different passers, but never Mark Brunell. Time for Strahan to check another off his list.
Glantz & Culver say: Giants by 3
Over/Under: 35
The final shake: We asked the Magic 8 ball. It said “Future hazy.” No help at all. So take the Giants.
OTHER GAMES
Dallas (3-5) at Detroit (2-5)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 7-7.
Watch your step: This game features The Future in Joey Harrington (below) and Return of the Future in Chad Hutchinson. Rookie Harrington seeks his third win in four starts while Hutchinson, a wash as a major league pitcher, needs to bring some relief to the Boys.
Keep scratching: Another 100-yard game by Emmitt Smith ties Barry Sanders for second with 76. Walter Payton had 77. Lewis Tillman is in there somewhere.
Glantz & Culver say: Lions by 3
Over/Under: 38
The final shake: Take the Lions, gently.
Baltimore (3-4) at Atlanta (4-3)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Ravens lead 1-0.
Watch your step: Michael Vick is breaking out in a monster way. He leads all quarterbacks with 397 yards rushing (9.0 average) and hasn’t thrown a pick in 163 tries. Not that he’s trying.
Keep scratching: Ravens T Jonathan Ogden has started every game since 1996. Unless he knows how to stop Vick, that just doesn’t matter.
Glantz & Culver say: Falcons by 7
Over/Under: 40
The final shake: We’d say “Take the Birds” but that would light up the switchboard. So, make it the Falcons.
Pittsburgh (4-3) at Cleveland (4-4)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Browns lead 54-45.
Watch your step: The Steelers have won 10 of the last 12 and are coming off a big spanking of the Ravens. But Browns QB Tim Couch has completed 41 of 64 passes for 476 yards with 3 touchdowns and no INTs in two home games against Pitt.
Keep scratching: It’s very easy to exaggerate the importance of this game to these working-class cities. But if Pittsburgh wins, citizens of Cleveland invade at dawn.
Glantz & Culver say: Steelers by 3
Over/Under: 43
The final shake: A lighter shade of Browns.
Minnesota (2-5) at Tampa Bay (6-2)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Vikings lead 31-17.
Watch your step: If you’re looking for trends, get out of Mike Allstott’s way. The Bucs fullback had a career high 28 carries and a career-high tying 3 touchdowns against the Vikings last time around.
Keep scratching: LB Derrick Brooks has 4 touchdowns this season and needs one to tie the record for defensive scores. Too bad he’s not facing Brett Favre.
Glantz & Culver say: Bucs by 7
Over/Under: 37
The final shake: Bucs, but don’t tell Randy.
New England (3-4) at Buffalo (5-3)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Patriots lead 43-39-1.
Watch your step: The Super Bowl champ Pats have lost four straight. “We’re not pushing the panic button around here,” said Patriots wide receiver Troy Brown, “but we’re pushing the urgency button.”
Keep scratching: The Bills’ offense is sporting beards to keep their winning streak going. Nothing says team unity like facial hair.
Glantz & Culver say: Bills by 2
Over/Under: 47
The final shake: Bills. Bills. Bills.
Tennessee (3-4) at Indianapolis (4-3)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 7-7.
Watch your step: The hottest player coming into this game is Titans quarterback Steve McNair (right), who has completed
42 of 63 passes for 441 yards, 4 TDs and no interceptions in two wins.
Keep scratching: Last time these two teams met, the Titans were the Oilers. Remember that Houston Oilers fight song? Boy, did that song suck.
Glantz & Culver say: Colts by 3
Over/Under: 45
The final shake: Titans in a blowout.
Unless it’s close.
N.Y. Jets (2-5) at San Diego (6-1)
Time & TV: 3:05 p.m., CBS
Head to head: Chargers lead 17-9-1.
Watch your step: The Jets won 8 of their past 11 road games, but San Diego has won four of the last six at home against the Jets.
Keep scratching: The last time the Chargers improved to 7-1, they went to the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is in San Diego this year. You do the math.
Glantz & Culver say: Chargers by 7
Over/Under: 41
The final shake: J-E-T-S!
San Francisco (5-2) at Oakland (4-3)
Time & TV: 3:15 p.m., Fox
Head to head: Raiders lead 6-3.
Watch your step: The Raiders have won 13 of 17 at home. This game is at home.
Keep scratching: It doesn’t stop there. The Raiders are 11-2 in the past 13 games against the NFC, 6-3 against the 49ers (we already said that!). Why even play?
Glantz & Culver say: Raiders by 3
Over/Under: 49
The final shake: The Giants’ funk is spreading. Take the Raiders.
-+-
St. Louis (2-5) at Arizona (4-3)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Rams lead 23-21-2.
Watch your step: Is there a tougher team to figure (or to watch) than these Rams? Even with a backup to the backup at quarterback, WR Torry Holt ranks third in NFC with 613 yards.
Keep scratching: If I had told you before this season that the Arizona Cardinals would be 4-3 and the St. Louis Rams would be 2-5, you would have said, “The Cardinals play in Arizona?”
Glantz & Culver say: Rams by 3
Over/Under: 43
The final shake: Cardinals. Don’t ask why.
Washington (3-4) at Seattle (2-5)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Redskins lead 6-4.
Watch your step: QB Matt Hasselbeck replaces Trent Dilfer? And? The Seahawks are 5-0 in Shaun Alexander’s 100-yard games. Redskin D is studly but they’re minus-6 in turnovers.
Keep scratching: The state of Washington is home to Seattle. Washington, D.C., is the District of Columbia. British Columbia is north of the state of Washington. None of this explains those Seahawk uniforms.
Glantz & Culver say: Seahawks by 3
Over/Under: 42
The final shake: Take the Redskins,
leave the cannoli.
Monday night
Miami (5-2) at Green Bay (6-1)
Time & TV: 8 p.m., ABC
Head to head: Dolphins lead 9-1.
Watch your step: Are you stunned to learn that Dolphins QB Ray Lucas has won four of his past five starts? We’ll answer for you: Yes, you are. But this is Brett Favre (left) country, where the veteran Packer QB is 69-12 as a starter, the best home record for a QB since 1950.
Keep scratching: The unretired Cris Carter is the third-leading receiver in the history of the Monday Night series with 119 catches. Do the Dennis Miller games count?
Glantz & Culver say: Packers by 4
Over/Under: 42
The final shake: In a seven-game series, we take the Packers. It’s not. But we still take the Pack.
Whizzer Review:
OK, LET’S REVIEW: Without using an
“in dog years” joke, I was 5-8-1 last week; not bad for a pup.
GOOD DOG, YES YOU ARE (win): Cleveland, Kansas City, Tennessee, Denver, Houston.
NO, WHIZZER! (loss): Seattle,
Atlanta, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, San Francisco, Washington, Philadelphia.
WALK IT OFF (tie): Buffalo.
